I slept all day and night yesterday, and I missed the Oscars. I don't have a TV to watch them on, but last year I could see the TV through the hipster's window next door.

I don't go to movies, but there's a lot of movies in my head. Epic movies while I sleep of wars and all kinds of drama, like my ex-wife beating the crap out of me and telling me she's going to leave me for that loser Ryan Seacrest for good.

Well, guess what? This morning's movie was Ryan leaving the Oscars with J Lo, and some stupid NASCAR driver got out of control and ran over them just as they were walking down the red carpet. The lamest thing is, in this crappy movie, they didn't die, they just got right back up and walked on.

I hear that Andretti dude is on the Celebrity Apprentice. What the hell does he need to do that for? Next thing you know, Tim Tebow will be on there, promoting Focus on the F**king Family. Whatever happened to giving us lowlifes the dream of getting to suffer and be humiliated to work for a creep like Trump? **** ***

Anyway, after Seacrest and Lo got up, my wife runs up to him and throws herself at him, begging him and making a big fool of herself. J Lo just looked at her and told her to shut up, and then she stepped on her and kept walking on. WFT! Right on J Lo.

I don't know what else happened, that's when I woke up, but the best picture award goes to J Lo Steps On My Ex Wife. Right on. Yeah.