I could barely get to sleep last night. I felt hyper vigilent over the eve of September 11th and surely, all the New Yorkers who layed wide awake during the night and wee hours of the morning of...
Finally, I turned off the TV in the early PST hours of the morning, knowing that I woud wake to a September 11th like no other. I prayed there would be no plots of violence against our shattered nation, let alone, our devastating memories of what was done to terrify, paralyze and horrify our dear friends, relatives and neighbors in Manhattan.
I closed my eyes, last night, fighting back the tears of what could be...what I dared to ignore. What I couldn't face for another day, minute, second.
The thought of any suffering for another moment in time was unbearable; unacceptable. Please, Lord, let me sleep to another day. A day without incident; a day without car bombs or crazy killers without moral purpose; without culpability or concern.
None of us were raised to understand such lack of regard for human life. None of us were prepared for a reality that would include self anihilation while descimating the life of countless others. Most of us could never see this coming.
To remember what happened to America ten years ago, is barely bearable, palpable. Scarsly tenable. Impossible. Really.
All the imagination, prayers and wishes cannot touch the emotion undefined, that scarred a nation forever. There is nothng more to be said. It simply and improbably stained our psyches, our memories and our spirit. It happened that day.
So, to enter into another day; a day after that day, is to tread so very lightly into the day following the indescribable horrors of that day. It is nearly impossible to utter the words, September 12th, at least for me. I fear it. This year more than any other. I feel it. In the shining of the full moon, I have lost all trust of the day following no shock; no life lost on a major scale. It feels far too close to me. It hoovers over us. It beckons to the crazy, unimaginable unannounced horrors to come. And it will.
Tragedy will strike again and the very thought of that fact gives me the deepest pause. The pause that comes before sleeping. The pause that prevents sleep, The pause that prevents sleep before fervant prayer to an unknown god or entity that would know what is likely to occur. The thought that we know so little. The knowing that we have no idea whatsoever.
It is not in our makeup. Not in our DNA. Yet, we must figure it all out before it is too late. We must be certain, that on the day after September 11th, that we will prevail. That we will own our destiny, both as individuals and as a nation that once held the standard.
A country that has opened its borders, its freedoms and its security to all those who would embrace its intrinsic values. We must be defined by these virtues. But we must not be fooled. We must not be naive.
We must keep our eyes wide open, even in the the darkest of nights; the center of our dreams; the power of our nightmares; the glimpse of what will come in the earliest of dawns.
Be the best.
We always were.
We can be again.
If you can.
Photo taken in South Lake Tahoe, late August, 2011 with my camera phone, aimed at the sky in the blinding light of the sun.
C17 Globemaster seen overhead during an annual air show.