A good friend of mine posted something on Facebook about Hillary Clinton's hair. How it was unattractive, and couldn't she do something with it? It was not supposed to be taken too seriously, yet I felt my own hair on the back of my neck stand up. I read comment after comment about how bad Hillary Clinton's hair looked.
I left a comment saying, maybe she likes it that way.
I think hair is a huge issue for people. Some of us have great hair and some of us don't. Some like it long, some like it short. People care about how other people look. Although I defended Mrs. Clinton's right to wear her hair any damn way she wants, I noticed. The last time I saw a picture of her, I noticed. It's not that flattering.
I notice how people look.
There lies my huge hypocrisy.
I care how I look. I care because it makes me feel better to look good. Good is subjective, of course. Several years ago I made the trip to upstate New York to visit the brothers I hadn't seen in twenty years. The one who picked me up from the airport said, Oh, no, you cut your hair. The second one, upon arriving at the home said, Oh my God, what did you do to your hair? Why would you cut your hair short? What did your husband say when you came home like that? Did you wear that outfit on the plane?
I liked my short haircut, I liked the outfit I wore on the plane, or I wouldn't have worn it. I think I look better when I have mascara and lipgloss on. Two things I am never without. I have friends who haven't held a mascara brush in years. They look fine. To each her own, I say. Yet sometimes my thoughts intrude. She'd look great with a little touch of (fill in the blank.)
I grew up in a family that cared how people look. My parents sat in the basement in front of the black and white Zenith television set. Totie Fields was fat. Joan Rivers wasn't feminine because she was a comedian. Barbra Streisand needed a nose job. Ed Sullivan looked half-dead. These were only a few of the judgements made in the basement of our home in the 1960's.
I apparently also care how people look, but I'm working on that. I make judgements all the time based on looks. It's an unconscious habit. A learned response. A product of monkey mind. I try to catch it every time I see myself do it.
Here is an example of what went on in my head on a recent Metro ride: Pretty girl, ugh those sneakers with that dress! who wears green nailpolish? love her outfit! cute guy! too much make-up, pull your pants up, Dude! socks with sandals, gah, Oh, I love her haircut! that's a great color on her...
The judgements are not all critical, they are often complimentary. But I ask myself, Why am I judging in the first place?
I think it's a good idea to learn how to dress appropriately for work, and for social engagements. I think it's okay to really like fashion and admire the latest haircuts on the train. What I don't think is okay, is the constant judging that goes on in my head, (and maybe in yours too.)
My daughter is beautiful, hates make-up and doesn't wear it. When she is home visiting, I still fall into the habit of calling out after her as she's walking out the door. Do you want a little blush?
The thoughts are so automatic, I think they are ingrained in me. Too fat, too skinny, nice hair, bad hair... I actually don't seem to have much control at this unenlightened point in my life to stop them. But at least I catch them. And I try to remember that maybe they really like their hair, their glittery nailpolish, their too fat/too thin bodies.
I care how I look.
But I shouldn't care how you look.
I'm working on it.
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I'm not a big fan of Hilary but I find myself feeling a bit smug about the fact that I don't care what she looks like. My wife on the other hand (and other women I know) seem to judge her and other female politicians by hair, clothes, etc.
Thank you, Stacye! :)
Con, it's true. Men get a pretty big pass.
JSR, if that is indeed, your real head of hair in your avatar, consider yourself complimented.
Then I dyed it pitch black.
Now it's no issue at all.
I like Hilary.
r.
I'm with Kathy; I think Hillary looks great most of the time...only because I know what she represents and it radiates, her strength radiates beyond a haircut.
Oh...just checked out the make-up-less Hillary. Wonderful! She just casts out that air of "Screw you, I don't care" which beats make-up any day.
And of course, you know as well as I do, it's PREDOMINANTLY women who get the shit end of the stick when it comes to judgment, giving and receiving. (Except the guy wearing white socks and sandals...who should be put out of his misery in a field somewhere. Far.)
One would guess that constant judging (which you're right, many of us do, not just you) is mere projection. Our own self-judgment sent out to the Universe.
Or whose to say that critical stuff isn't just part of our creative side? We want people to look good and if they did x or y, it would improve their overall aesthetic. And we know these things because we're good critics. It's imaginary design.
Lastly, since we're speaking of looks, why don't you send me your profile shot so I can improve the exposure. It's too dark! I know you have better photos as well. Or get a few pro photos. You have a large enough readership to warrant a pro shot.
(See...it comes back to haunt you, doesn't it.)
One recommended a new wardrobe, another a new hairstyle.
I resented it all. My argument was that I was a programmer. How I look does not affect my work, my company or my clients at all as opposed to if I was working in a client facing position.
I was/am by mo means sloppy, just that I do not believe in following fashion trends as and when they change.
Ha! Jonathan, I like her too.
Jaime, thanks! (I think) :)
Beth, thank you for coming by. I actually have no great pictures of myself. But I appreciate you saying I should have a better one. A professional shot? I'm now completely flattered. Really.
Mary, it's true. Men can look a mess and get away with it. I however, am an equal opportunity judge.
We don't have to be judgmental. It is a choice, even if we learn it at a very young age.
You're right. Being aware of our internal monologue really does help. People who judge candidates based on their looks probably don't even realize it, most of the time. In 2008, fellow teachers who were conservative (yeah--conservative teachers--they're legion in AZ) continually criticized Clinton for her pant suits when she ran for President. I wanted to ask (and might have, a time or two): But what policies of hers are you against?
There is so much to criticize about Hillary Clinton (her pro-corporatism, her war-mongering) that I don't have time to think about her looks.
Leslie, it IS a choice, and a hard habit to break. Thank you for coming by~
I grew up with a critical mother and it is a nightmare.!! Still. I could write volumes about having to still be in her mind at 93 and it is exhausting. I was NEVER GOOD ENOUGH. Those three words define my life and YES I do it too. sigh. It is a genetic trait. It is a nasty thing.
Maybe that is why I love to work with people who have lost their minds or are developmentally disabled. They are way beyond labels and exist just in the moment. I like that. I find it increasingly difficult to deal with "normal" people.
On the subject of hair, many men throughout history and women too have had hair issues. A few composers come to mind, one Beethoven, was his hair more important than his music, Albert Schweitzer, was his hair more important than his theories? I guess we have some miles to go in overcoming how we look and appreciating what we say and do instead.
Having the known Hillary for her writing and her intelligence, I can tell you in person, she is striking and the whole hair deal is nothing compared to her intelligent look and manner.
When I look at Sarah Palin and Michele Bachmann, their hair is well groomed, but their minds, their words, their demeanor, in my opinion, not so much.
Good read. Fun to see others "hypocricies." I wonder how much is nature vs nurture when it comes to our emphasis on looks.
For me, I go to a professional event, I am in a suit. Always. I also noticed how a man in an expensive suit carries a lot of power so they have it a bit in reverse but not much, in sales, your suit tells it all and your watch. Should it? only in so much as are you comfortable in your own skin.
Oh, the shudders this post started inside my skin as I heard my mother's voice ringing out judgment my entire childhood, on me, on the neighbors, on my siblings, on anyone who walked by, on Barbra Streisand, on Joan Rivers, on Phyllis Diller, on Goldie Hawn, on Carol Burnett...on and on.
I reacted as a teenager and young woman with dressing to the hilt even to go to the mailbox, with just as much judgment cast as hers and more, with bulimia, with drug use and abuse, with a career I didn't like in fashion and design, marrying a drug addict, on and on --in secret....until I one day, decades later, just quit. I could not listen to one more voice of judgment inside my own head. Then the bulimia quit, then the headaches quit, then the credit card debt quit, then the high heels went and the incessant mirror-gazing too, then, finally, the fear left too (for many reasons, the fear finally left) and a very strange sensation slowly crept in, but it took another decade to define.....a bit of interior contentment and a slow smile that actually was happy: toward the mirror, the actors, other women, anyone walking by....
it's a process.
I still can rip myself to shreds in an instant.
I do my best not to do that to Kim Kardashian or Snooki, but they're just asking for it....
that's my humor...?
Rated!!!
We all criticize. It is human nature and it is human folly. When we catch ourselves that is compassion. We could focus on the positive. She has pretty eyes instead of she's fat.
Makeup usually pisses me off. I put it on because I like makeup. But when I look at myself I just think, man, it makes me look old.
Since we're in confession mode, I have to admit that I never get tired of compliments.
Lezlie
-r
Hillary looks plain worn out and it is not just her hair. Her eyes have seen much on this relentless tour of duty. If I were her, the LAST thing I would want while pondering Syria and Egypt and Korea is the fluffy ministrations of a stylist.
Joan, YOU are a beautiful spirit inside and out. Lipgloss and mascara aside, you are a rare gem.
And I'm the same way.
(Btw, Hillary needs a facelift.)
Andrea
So, I guess I think she looks tired, but geeze, who wouldn't be, in her shoes? The longer hair, maybe someone told her that longer hair is more youthful - seems to be the thing with all the women in the public eye these days.
Thank you for the food for thought. :-)
We are all human and I think most of us make those blink of an eye judgements all day. Seems to me that you have the right attituded toward these judgements.
You're a wonderful human being Joan. Don't sweat the small stuff.
But there are people like me who has been known to show up at work wearing a shirt that was both inside out AND backwards -- meaning that the tag was right under my chin. Yes, I looked in the mirror that morning, but I miss a lot of details. Seriously, I don't notice hair, makeup, clothes on other people or on myself-- unless I am consciously making a point to focus on a particular detail.
It makes me nervous to realize how much everyone else is judging me!
Her looks? Absolutely makes no difference to me, unless as a sign of ill health.
Your post? It tells of a childhood and young adulthood of being criticized -- as opposed to judged -- for appearance. That upbringing brought you the awareness of such standards. Your evolution as an adult and human being has tempered that awareness with compassion and praise too. When you no longer ask your drop-dead-gorgeous daughter to artificially enhance perfection, then you will have achieved enlightenment.
HRC? I hope she gets some rest and relaxation, so that she can continue to do good works for a long long time.
I saw Hillary Clinton when she met with Shimon Peres yesterday ~ my first thought was Lookin' good, as in : Here's a woman who doesn't give a rat's about hair right now ; she's coming into her own.
This from someone who isn't inclined to believe in the good Secretary's motives. ( I mean, she's no Madeleine Albright ... )
That's unfair. See ?
I tend to make assumptions about people from their appearance, like how secure/insecure they might be, or simply vain, brainy, clueless etc., but I'm happy to be proved wrong too. It's kind of refreshing to be proved wrong about that, really. It makes the person more interesting, to me.
As a dad, I inwardly cringe when my daughters wear make-up, but it's less and less as they grow older, thank goodness. The important thing is to say, "You look great !" Not what your brother said.
You look great, Joan !
As for Hilary's hair, I figured it was going through the awkward phase in growing out.
Rated with ♥
Great post, and so true. There is something to not blurting out everything we think too!
We need to bring them here and have a word. Honestly.
You looked positively perfect. Bright, brilliant,
love shining through ...
Second, Hillary ... I tend to see her early in the morning here on BBC news. Sometimes, as lately, I wish I could sit down with her and have a chat ... but not about her looks. She is a few years older than I am and ... given all she is trying to do ... the word that comes to mind when I see her is ... real. I love that she is comfortable on the world stage to be herself ... as she is. I love that she is accepted across the world on the strength of what she brings, what she says, what she understands. I haven't always agreed with her, but she calls to me.
Mostly when I see her lately, I notice her eyes. I always notice eyes. Hers are tired. Does she ever sleep. She, I think and hope, is trying her best for the world. If I were teaching tomorrow, I'd ask my students what they thought of this. I'd ask my girls to look ahead and think of what they would want someone to notice of them ... and then I'd need to listen wherever the thoughts might go. An opening though. Real. A woman unafraid to face the world exactly as she is. Courage that. Honesty.
I hope that though you remember your brothers' words, you also remember what they never see. They never see ... the real you.
We do.
@anna1liese, thank you...
But are you truly judging others or are you simply acknowlegding what appeals or doesn't appeal to you, same as if you were driving down a street, looking at houses, thinking "grass needs cut, hideous colors, pretty porch," etc. And you've probably noticed this too - once you get to know and like someone, looks change and matter so much less. The things you might criticize when they're a stranger, become endearing.
I agree with you about hair: it's huge and defines a person and I'm the same way as you with my own daughter. She is beautiful but I often have to bite my tongue (and don't always succeed) re. her hair. She's always changing the color and recently shaved a portion of the right side of her head. I hate it. When I see her, I make her turn her head so I only see the "normal" side.
I wrote this precisely because I DON'T like the automatic knee-jerk response of looking at something and judging it, whether positively or negatively.
@Margaret, you are right. It is very much like that, where I am simply noticing what appeals to me, and what doesn't.
But that thing the Buddhists call "monkey mind" is something I'd like to get rid of. It may take a few life times... :)
If I look through my iphone pics I'm embarrassed by the fact that many of them are self portraits. But I'm also relieved I have good genes and I'm cute. But I'm also hypercritical.
Yesterday my daughter told me that once I poked her in the stomach and made some kind of comment to the effect that she was chubby. 15 years later, she tells me. I told her she would have the chance to scar her own children and she told me "at least I know what not to do." ouch.
And Hillary has taken way too much flack, who wants to be in her shoes? TV and print media and pictures in general, are one dimensional and so much is not seen in contrast that is seen in person. We have been brutal.
But in thinking of the hair of political celebrities, there is a plastic-ness, too much hairspray and dye, the cuts too blunt, their hair very often looks more like a helmet, than hair!
Probably, the fear of just that, being judged, has made this over-compensation happen. Fear is never a good emotion to give way to. Sometimes you just have to have the confidence, to not mind what other people say about you.
Rated...rock on, beautiful!
I'm not sure that a woman could ever be given the same consideration.
`
No scratch ears.
I recall soft kiss.
Jmac1949's ` Ah!
Wow. Seriously!
`
When my Parents were still alive ...
I did a Columbia. Md., Farm market.
I got to share leftovers and stop over.
`
A faithful shopper would bring her niece.
The niece carried a dainty `pocket-purse.
They both were so discriminating buyers.
`
The older Woman seemed ` forty-or-more:
`
She had facial scars. I wondered? Car accident?
Her face was total scar. I Saw Exquisite Beauty.
Her facial scars added. It's hard to convey this:`
`
I saw the most calm, serene, ` a gentle Interior.
I miss that we don't do some old farm markets.
Every gentle gesture ` change, conversations,
and . . . It's Joy To Sense ` Gracious Peoples.
The scars did Not distract `Glorious Being. . .
`
Hi
`
No seek vain `Folly. Sad. Politico loopy.
I try to see Inner` Sanity. I see sad/sigh.
I'll keep my private ` Notions ` Private.
Of course, as you point out, it's her right to wear her hair as she pleases, or even to go Sinead O'Connor if she wants to. But her hair as it is now looks limp and stringy and makes her look older. It is not, as you point out, flattering, and it's not exactly hypocritical to say that, unless one's own hair is limp and stringy, I suppose...
Someone that I think looks really cool is Diane Sawyer. We admire certain looks as well. I think Rachel Maddow is incredibly well-put-together and nice-looking while others have things to say about her.
And it's totally not just women. Remember the big deal that was made about Blagojevich's (Chicago) moppy hairstyle. Forget the felony conviction, how dare he wear his hair like that.
The other point I was making is that this automatic response to people's looks bother me.
After reading some of the comments here, I'm convinced I am being too hard on myself. It's what our thoughts do. They judge, they like things, they don't like things, and when all is said and done, the thoughts are really pretty meaningless.
They're just thoughts.
Thanks again, everyone, for adding your views.