In 1991 I had my first and only child. My husband came home from work on a Wednesday and announced he'd been laid off. I went into labor on Thursday.
I never planned to work after having a baby. I wanted one child, had that one child, and now I wanted to raise her. Life threw a small curve ball. For that first year, my husband stayed home while I put new pictures of her on my desk each week. I was miserable. I wanted to be a stay at home mom.
Instead, my husband stayed home. Fed her every two hours, changed her, did the laundry, and I suspect, felt like a fish out of water at times. For one year, he stayed home with her, doing all the things I wanted to be doing. He took another job, and our daughter went into daycare. Sometimes I would drop her off, and instead of going right to work, I'd plop myself on the floor with all the fifteen-to-eighteen month old kids in her Blueberry class. I knew I didn't want to work in some office. I wanted to work at raising my daughter.
I told my husband I was giving my two week notice. He wasn't thrilled. He firmly believed we needed two incomes especially now that we had a child. I reminded him that the daycare center took a huge chunk of my paycheck every month. I put my foot down. It was important to me to be at home with her.
Washington, D.C. is not a city of stay at home moms. Or at least it wasn't twenty years ago when my story took place. Today I see notices on the local listserve for all sorts of Mommy Groups. When I was home with my daughter, we went places together. At two and three years of age, she was a regular at the Smithsonian museums, the art galleries and the neighborhood library. We had an occasional playdate with another stay at home mom, but with my working mom friends we scheduled on weekends. Occasionally, I felt isolated, but I never wanted to go back to work. This was the work I chose.
My daughter wore hand me downs from a friend's daughter. We lived in the tiniest apartment. We had no help from family. There were sacrifices. Sacrifices I was willing to make for the privilege of being a stay at home mom.
Eventually I took a job as a babysitter so I could bring in a little extra income. Every day my daughter and I picked up the little girl from her private school and brought her home so she could take a nap. The job lasted a few months, but the low pay and the three hour naps the woman insisted her daughter take eventually made me quit. Conflict of parenting styles, I called it. I wanted the girls out in the park, and my two and a half year old did not take afternoon naps anymore. We were back to one income again.
I was lucky to have a choice. Some people would not think it was lucky living in a small apartment or dressing their child in second hand clothes. I felt lucky to spend the time with my daughter. I felt wildly fortunate that I lived in a city that gave us so much to do for free.
When my daughter turned four, I enrolled her at the local elementary school for pre-K. Those few short years of being home with her were over. I went back to work, she went on to be part of the lunch bunch at school. There was no reason for me to stay home now and my daughter and I were both ready to move forward.
I look back at those years with enormous affection. I was doing what I wanted to be doing.
We lived on very little, we had very little.
They were some of the happiest years of my life.
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r.
You've written a lovely story, Joan (but that's like saying water is wet). I never got to be a Mr. Mom, but I would have been willing. I spent vacation time home alone with the children and it was delightful and rewarding.
I've been annoyed at some of the comments about Mrs. Romney. Critics say she has no understanding of the financial decisions that many women have to make today, but that is true because she is wealthy, not because she was a stay-at-home mom. Raising children can be one of the hardest jobs in the world.
It completely gutted my career as I knew it, I did volunteer work which then led to paying positions. It has not been my dream or intention to be a stay at home mom, but my pregnancy signaled a change to me. I was forced to slow down, I was carefully monitored on bedrest and I gave birth to twins. When they arrived, early, I was again ill and unable to function. It became a natural thing to be at home and care for them. It was in fact a very perfect time. When my daughter arrived two years later, we were practically a pre school ourselves! It was fantastic! I was the leader of the band and we did everything. It was the best of times. As a result of those times, I have felt that I have done the very best I could for my children.
For I, too, was a stay at home mom.
And now, my children are doing well and are happy.
and those memories I have of being there for the first step, first trip to the park, etc are etched across my mind like a sacred engraving.
I have no regrets whatsoever....
Heartbreaking choices, eh?
It is so important-much more than anything material.
Lezlie
On another note, I get terrified sometimes thinking about becoming a mom one day and if I'll stay home or not and what it will be like, etc, etc. Reading this made me feel happy and safe. It reminded me that we can make choices in most cases. Thank you so much for that.
This is an absolutely wonderful read Joan. Inspirational and deeply moving. You've left your daughter a heritage of love in so many ways.
Rated and appreciated.
r
I'm proud that my eldest daughter, the mother to an autistic three-year old child, has chosen to be a full-time stay-at-home mother. Her previous employer of eight years won't ever be able to replace her with another employee whose dedication and core values are premised upon family first. Her departure from the working force also enables my grandson to receive assistance for his special needs, which he wouldn't receive if my daughter wouldn't be able to provide if she were a full-time employee with benefits.
"Happiest years." Yes, and you chose well I'd say. Those formative years, short they seem in retrospect, are so important aren't they.
Work to live, emphasis on LIVE. How can you place more importance on money than on a child?
I've often spoken poorly of my son's mom here at OS, but always have given her credit to whoever asked for the great job she did with Eli. She also put her foot down. She would be the mommy 24/7 and so she did, while I fabricated conveyor belts for something like $9 per hour, grabbing all the overtime I could to make the bills.
She would read to him constantly and so he too learned to read far quicker than most. He never once had diaper rash- never was given a 'binky' to keep him quiet, toilet trained by two. Yeah we were poor but the payoff was huge in my estimation. Now his favorite place is the Nelson-Atkins museum of art, where he often goes, even by his self (or used to.. before.. tears!)
Great post! Even the elusive EP!! Thanks
I have been on both sides of the story and support woman on both sides today and always. We need to reach out over the men in govt who feel if they divide us we will forget the abortion rulings, the contraception debates and the unemployment picture. Are we really back to the Hilary days of who bakes cookies or not? Let's just admit who we are: if we had the resources to comfortably stay home our entire adult lives at Romney's wife did, we should be gracious enough to admit our good fortunes not tell everyone how difficult it was. Her life compared to 99% of us is a cake walk financially, that's all we are saying, don't speak for the average as a 1%. The rest is a smoke screen sent up again by the politicians to divide our vote.
I was running a graduate school--working so hard, when my adopted daughter was born. I expected my husband to be the best mother because he had the greatest mom. Me, I wanted to be the dad. But then we separated after less than a year so I had no choice but to close the school, stay with her. At first I absolutely loved being a full time mom, but then I felt at sea and we two began traveling, by car, train, plane until we landed in Jamaica WI where my now ex lived. I think we were happiest in those years of being together in a beautiful country. But when we separated again, it was not by choice but by necessity. So we moved to Israel where there is so much support since children are included in everyone's life. And that was great until it wasn't. Up and down, sometimes too much, sometimes just right. Not a choice as you made Joan. Which makes all the difference. R
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What bugs me about this whole thing is that the point of the matter, Ann Romney being touted by her husband as someone who advises him on women's issues, is being lost in what is a very emotional issue for most women: how they have to abandon their children in order to work in order to keep those children alive. In a society where nuclear families and single mothers are the norm, and yet only lip service is given to the wonderfulness of raising children, a lot of women live with frustration, and politicians, for their own purposes, are stirring that up and pitting us against each other where it's unwarranted.
Drema
I have never been a stay-at-home mom. It was and is still economically unfeasible. It is one of my deepest regrets. The fact that I am a teacher, and teaching what it really is nowadays, I am raising other people's kids. Talk about ironic.
Since we have a temporary change of schedule at my school I have been able to drive the my kids to and from school, be there when the last bell rings, talk to teachers and other mothers who are stay at home moms. Make cupcakes for school projects. I get to know what is going on first hand and not a diluted version via texts. I don't want this to end.
I was raised to get a job, have a career. But sometimes juggling everything together is too much. It might sound like fifties whiplash, but I don't care. I don't care about climbing corporate ladders or getting promotions or being a supervisor. I want the peace that comes with a life slower-paced. If I could have a choice, that would be mine.
I know how much that extra time means... My mother did not want to stay home, but in the 50's and 60's that was what was expected. My mother wanted a career. Badly. Instead, she made beautiful meals and kept an immaculate home, and seemed completely lost when it came to the nurturing, and the mothering part of it. I am sorry she did not have a choice. Every woman deserves at least the choice.
Once my daughter was in school, I went back to work. I don't make beautiful meals, and my house is not like my mothers. We also needed two incomes. For those few precious and fleeting years, (as Lea so beautifully put it) I stayed home and as I said, they really were some of the best years of my life.
Thank you, Vanessa.
I too feel lucky to have had a choice, to not have children. Free will is everything. Feeling that you are lucky is everything. This world would be boring and miserable if everyone had to live the exact same life.
Wow, great post and commentary! Congrats on the EP! An early mother's day prezzie..
I also envy your happy marriage, a team approach is best, especially if that can happen under the same roof.
I don't think I'm missing a gene or anything, but I was born to work. I shoveled side-walks for my old neighbors in Wisconsin when I was too young to babysit. Had to borrow the shovel from the neighbor, so I did his for free!
I loved and remember my son's pre-school years, but I had to get out of the suburbs or I would have gone nuts.
Ended up going nuts anyway, but at least it didn't happen in the burbs. On the other end of nuts is happiness, and kids don't stop needing you when they get older, their problems just get more expensive.
My kid is my number one supporter, always has been, even in the face of strong family disproval of my life-style. I took him with me to Ireland, and England for extended stays when he was a child with both positive and negative outcomes. There is one neighborhood in Bromley, Hayes, England that learned how to play baseball!
He can read a roadmap and an airline schedule like the back of his hand. He's been places, and I took him against all good advice.
As a mom, gotta listen to your heart when it comes to your kids.
Hats off to you.