The Republican Carcasses - IOWA: LIVE BLOG (Updated)
8:30 am It turns out you can't get water from a caucus. Now I just feel silly. Professional, I press on.
8:58 am Romney tells little boy there's no Santa Claus, chuckles.
9:15 am Rick Santorum personally impregnates woman, chains to his wrist with a nine-month time lock so he can make sure.
9:20 am Annoyed at another question on his white supremacist past, Ron Paul personally shoots elderly questioner in the face, screaming, "I AM NOT THIN-SKINNED! FUCKERS! FUCKERS!" Rumors he keeps teeth as trophies still nag at the campaign.
9:45 am Somewhere in Idaho, Buddy Roemer now walks into empty room, ready for a fight. His fist shakes.
10:30 am John Huntsman said something, I'm sure of it.
1:20 pm Rick Perry sees man with beard in audience, can't stop giggling and waving.
2:30 pm To think Michele Bachmann promised she'd kiss Sarah Palin right on the lips if she lost. She was never a good bettor because God likes her to lose, much like Pat Robertson.
4:30 pm Some electrical troubles. An aide warns Ron Paul there might be a blackout. He gets his gun out till they explain.
4:41 pm Oh no, Rick Perry finally found an axe.Don't like the look he's giving Huntsman, who's still trying to remain on message as Perry circles.
5:07 pm Ron Paul has started shouting at the crowd. Well, he says there's a crowd. His aides point out it's just the bathroom. "GUMMINT!" he yells.
5:31 pm The MSNBC reporters on site are actually masturbating right there on camera as Republicans just cry.
5:45 pm Mitt Romney's just sitting there, having a sandwich and reading Vogue.
5:51 pm Rick Santorum is now desperately offering free blow jobs for votes, which I think is just trying too hard. Not to be outdone, Marcus has Michele offering "rim jobs," which he told her were janitorial positions. She offers one to every man in the room.
6:15 pm Everyone from Fox is drunk tonight as they try to get through it. MEAN drunk. Sean Hannity forgets himself, does two lines right there on camera.
6:20 pm Now Marcus Bachmann is offering free blow jobs for votes. Michele Bachmann is asking him to quiet down. "They don't know you like I do," she reminds him, but the poppers have him giddy.
6:21 pm John Huntsman remains true to his principles and offers nothing for votes.
6:45 pm Newt Gingrich now realizes crying was unwise show of weakness, is biting off head of a kitten on-camera, not missing a word of his speech. All leading up to Gingrich proving he's hip by bringing a confused, lost Ozzy to the podium as his VP candidate. He heard kids these days like him, on that Music Television channel.
7:01 pm Wow, Mitt Romney sure likes sandwiches.
7:42 pm Say, now something strange is--DID RICK PERRY's EYES JUST POP OUT? OH NO! THE HAIR! IT'S BURSTING FROM INSIDE! IT ATE HIS BRAIN! Yet he's STILL TALKING. "BROTHER," he says in a newly silky voice to a man's beard. "My eyes are up here," the nervous man says.
7:48 pm The horrible yet thick and lustrous tentacles of hair have now locked in a kind of crown around what once was Rick Perry's face.Now IS the hair. Molly Ivins should be alive to see this vindication. "I WILL ABORT BABIES WHO ARE BALD" says the Rick Perry Hair Zombie Abomination thing. Ow. That'll cost him.
8:24 pm Throughout the whole thing, Rush Limbaugh sits eating deepfried Cheetos dipped in 7-up at home, while making love to a ferret. While Rush is married, her throwing up every time was putting him off. But Arnie was there waiting as always. Rush watching LOST DVDs.
9:15 pm Holy shit, did Newt Gingrich just bite off Romney's nose? Now he's swallowing it. But why?
9:16 pm Newt Gingrich and Michelle Bachmann finally make out. So do Rick Perry & Rick Santorum, despite his mouth being full of froth. People express little surprise.
9:18 pm Now: nothing but blood and baby arms.
9:32 pm Mostly still dismemberment. They're all taking turns with Ron Paul 's intestines. While he still lives.
9:47 pm Wow, Rick Perry just tore down Rick Santorum 's pants and mounted him. Perry is laughing, sure, but is Santorum...smiling?
9:58 pm Through all this, I don't know how Jon Huntsman can keep making Kurt Cobain allusions. But they don't seem to notice him.
10:00 pm Violent as it's all been, I just don't understand how anyone can do that to children. Yet Michele just licks the tears off her lips and keeps going.
10:30 pm Romney 26%, unsurprising. Santorum 24% is "what is wrong with people." At least another year before Rick Santorum can finally let the world know of his and Spot's love. The love that dare not lick his face. Michele Bachmann now a greasy spot, though. Looks like she's kissin' Palin. that really was an unwise bet. I would wonder if tongue would be involved, but maybe Michele Bachmann doesn't know it ever is.
10:35 pm Now SANTORUM is mounting PERRY. Except he doesn't know the hair has taken over. He looks so happy, but with his eyes closed doesn't see the tendrils.
Roberson passed through Iowa once. Love him or die at jlroberson.org.
Follow him too on Twitter or there will be consequences. Things. Not saying.