I’ve compiled a short list of some things not to do in Mississippi in August or September.
1. Don’t go anywhere without an umbrella.
2. Don’t plan an outside wedding.
3. Don’t eat outside for two reasons—the heat and the bugs (in my case mosquitoes and nasty “bite you” bugs).
4. ABOVE ALL, don’t wax your car.
Ok, here’s the deal and you may laugh at me if you want, because what I did was totally dumb, and I’d like an award for making a public fool of myself.
First, let me tell you that our car is a Subaru Legacy sedan we’ve had for 7 years. It has almost 100,000 miles and has been such a good friend, such a good and dependable friend I wanted to do something for it. We live in an apartment complex with outside, uncovered parking. Yes, the sun beats down on my car; the rain, sometimes a deluge, inundates my car; wind and sappy tree goo attack my car. I decided I would protect it.
Now several months ago I’d bought car wax and all the necessary rags to accomplish a thorough, hand-waxed job when the time was right. So far, the timing hasn’t been right. I don’t know why, because I’m pretty sure after today that almost any other day would have been better. Anyway, full of energy and optimism, the skies appropriately cloudy but not raining, I drove the car through the automatic carwash to get it prepped, headed home for the successful waxing job I envisioned. Of course I parked in the oh so public parking lot, got the equipment ready and began my do-good job. The Turtle Wax container instructions indicate applying wax in a circular motion, but the don’t tell you to apply the wax over small areas and then buff, so I (overachiever) applied wax on the entire car.
By the time I got finished with that and began to buff the car I realized that small sections would have been better. More importantly, though the sun wasn’t out, a temperature of 90 degrees is too hot to do this. The reason is that the wax became ONE with the car. Some sort of spiritual and physical bonding takes place and actually buffing the wax off was not an option any longer. Still I tried. I rubbed and I rubbed and I rubbed (God where was the jinn in all this? Surely, though this isn’t a lantern all that rubbing should have produced some magical being) and I buffed and buffed. Two hours and I had rubbed and buffed the hood, trunk and top. The sides were still embraced in a deep melding with the wax. I hoped for rain by this time. I mean, what else could I do? I was completely done in.
Many people who live in my apartment complex drove by and they didn’t start laughing within my sight range. I appreciate that. I gotta believe that other people have made this decision, though, and knew I was in for it. So, for those of you who haven’t made that mistake, I’m giving you fair warning so that you won’t ever do this. You can thank me later. If you do ever make this mistake, e-mail. I figured out the best solution (after the rain, that is) and I had just enough energy to finish the job. But I still want your vote for the dumbest award today.