She never let me have monkey food until the New Man came into her life. I’m talking about my Momma, of course: she is a monkey, and I am only a dog. Uncle James Emmerling has explained the difference to me. The benefits as well as the disadvantages. I find a lot more benefits to not being a monkey than I do to being a dog, per se. I wish I could be as smart and free as a monkey with the nose and tongue of a canine without incurring the drawbacks of either species.
Uncle is suffering from “sun poisoning, for damn sure, I think”, he says. He and Momma and New Man went to the beach Thursday, leaving me all day in the crate. “I just sat there, like a damn fool, for 6 hours, Georgie! Drinking it all in, the sun, the waves, the glories, ha, of nature and whatnot. I used a 15 sunscreen but my vanity got me. I wanted a tan. Like I used to have. Now I am paying for it. “
They brought lots of human food with them, those hairless monkey did, to the beach. I was here in the kitchen when Momma made the meat sandwiches. I got zip. Well, a bit, that I ‘’requisitioned’’ as they say, when Momma let the New Man in the door.
I should, perhaps, tell you more about Uncle James’ sun poisoning, but I can’t, because I tuned him out when he was complaining. These monkeys teach you to be responsible, good, reliable, etc; yet they do idiotic things like lie in the sun for hours and then complain like little puppies when they are hurt. I am only a year old but I know darn well that it does no good to complain. Just crawl into a ball & shut up, conserve your energy til you feel better.
I think I have changed, for the better, these past few months. I have gone from wanting to shit in New Guy’s fucking “trailer” he brings over to take Momma away from me, or piss on his fishing poles, or…well, a few times I dreamt about ripping out his throat and drinking his blood and then eating him, but that is between us, ok? Gone from that to just being glad to see him because he makes my Momma happier & do that weird “ha ha ha” thing monkeys do, which we doggies sort of get, but not quite…. And, also , he gives me some of his human food.
Also i have picked up some new words. Ones that Uncle and New Man use in front of my Momma, so i figure they must be ok.
And he eats a lot. Uncle tells me “he has a hyperactive metabolism to go along with his hyperkinetic personality.” I am sure Uncle is right. He is always right. That’s my standard answer, the game plan for me, anyway, til I get more brains and can outthink him and tell him how ---“viscerally unappealing” (I looked these words up! Did I get em right?) some of his theories, and especially his monkey complaining, complaining, is sometimes.
New guy often gets Momma to give me tiny corners of meat if she is properly happy. This is why I feel that New Guy, overall, is a benefit to me rather than a disadvantage. I told Uncle this and he was speechless for a few seconds. A rare thing for a monkey, especially him.
“That shows rather a high level of duplicity, no..no ..not that…but..utilitarianism, I should say. Well, huh, Pragmatism, too of course: ‘the truth is what works’…blah blah blah” he said.
I didn’t mind the blah blah . I shouldn’t complain:I kind of have it made. I am getting way smarter every day (even Uncle, the smartest monkey in the universe, he says, thinks so) but I got a hot Momma and a cool new “step dad”, as Momma calls him.
Also I got Uncle spilling out all this top level top secret monkey business..