A wise and beautiful post, James. Thank you. Letting thoughts go, or to ignore them, is one of the most difficult things to do. I envy you that you can do so. R

yeah, Gerald, it was wm. james who said
(paraphrasing here)
'INTELLIGENCE consists of the ability to ignore alot of thoughts"

thank u, sir.

James,as always,more sense than you can admit.
I am amazed at your ability to distinguish in such excellent way.
It's good you are in your hiding place now,that saves you the effort of running away.
R a t e d for s p a c e in b e t w e e n.

Very familiar with the "billion thoughts" and how fleeting they can be... in the olden days when I had the energy to get manic, I could rage for days. Now thanks be to old age, diabetes and diminished testosterone I typically crap out after ten or twelve hours.

As to why, I like to believe that most people who are bi-polar are "special mutants" who are blessed and cursed with an extraordinary potential to get ironically lost in their self awareness.

I don't think you are "disordered," James. I think most of the "normal" world is. I am disordered too.

Heidi! You sound like mom, saying I got “more sense than you can admit.” I know it’s true. But…it takes time to unfold one’s essence…


Jmac, I hope you mean “rage” metaphorically, but I suspect u don’t…

this would be my theory too: "special mutants" who are blessed and cursed with an extraordinary potential to get ironically lost in their self awareness.” So well put. Gonna steal it…

ERICA, i agree. the thing is, the regular world is
all disordered
in the same way...wanting, grasping, greedy, stupid, shallow, un-
self aware, walking somnambulists..

but we special folk are disordered rather idiosyncratically.
but...heed me..universally, too. circumstances are
different, but we all show patterns,eh?

Being "normal" is highly overrated.
R

POOR: in my system, it is "underrated", ha. thank u...

Mothers, sigh. Why are parents frustrated or irritated when children behave the way they do? We lived on a military base and my youngest's first sentence was "ah shit!" Kids mimic those they're around the most, then adapt as required to survive.

Double binds used to make me feel crazy (a response to being forced to agree to be wrong either way), now they make me mad which is more normal. As I'm starting to get well, I'm no longer stuck in flight or freeze and I'm starting to feel strength and hope. Maybe that's happening with you too.

I realized I was right when I defiantly told my doctor my problem was too many jerks in my life expecting me to be what they need. I now regret continuing to put up with crazy makers and shutting down (freezing) to be what everyone expected me to be. I love that song, if someone wants everyone to be like them they can find clones.

I think you're kind, fascinating and not all that disordered. I often feel surrounded by gorilla-like people and it's not just boring, it's bruising. That's a worse disorder even though they have no clue they're way disordered and have no desire to change. You're self-aware and aware of the effect you have on others and I love that in people.

I really like that you call us survivors, I have survived some seriously clueless people. Thank you for the post.

oH, l'h, YOU are most welcome.
Bruised, you feel? Yes, it is different indeed for a woman.
I must never forget that.
thank u for reminding me...

R - No comment comes to mind. I just appreciate your thoughts.

James, I am totally with you and concerning mental illness, I think we all have it, others more, others less. It is like age to me, we all have this disease too. I think the loving yourself is the key, here, cause I have seen evil, bad, rude, and so many kind of peorle, not even understanding their self with having a problem. We are all problems, and the solutions we build is our sanity. Nothingness, is my need, my wish!!

""It reconnects you to Nothingness, which is where we are from. I learned , arduously, that Nothingness is nothing to fear. It is peace that passeth understanding. ""

I am wishing you true love, James, and be well!!! Most of genius, had this illness, as you know.

So many rates,on such an excellent and needed issue.!!!

You're more in touch with yourself than anyone I know. And you'd likely figure all the rest of us out in about five minutes. Which is probably why you get bored.

You are one very wise man.

I have friends who are bi-polar and it only takes a glance to know what their mood is today. I don't care which mood they're in, they're my friends and we just keep on keeping on.

Thoughtful post, James.

I've been wondering for a while if more people are labeled "mentally disordered" these days than in the past when in fact they are just different.

A high school friend of mine, who we always thought was a scream because he'd blurt out what everybody else was thinking and be charming about it as well, was diagnosed with Aspergers' Syndrome about 7 years ago. Knowing this helps him to understand how his own mind works but he doubts the label would have made his life easier as a teenager. We just accepted wacky, brilliant George the way he is and he says in retrospect that was probably the best way things could have turned out.

Is it the birthday that's making you plumb your depths? Or is this just James. I wonder why you think of yourself as mentally "disordered". Or "ill." Don't you think you're monumentally gifted? Blessed, even?
How does it feel to never get bored or have to turn to external sources or people to entertain yourself. To have the luxury of knowing most answers are within. How exhilarating never to get stuck in a "mental feedback loop" but instead always be on a wide-open road with no speed limit and moving forward. To never have to rely on anyone else to shape your opinions or for their approval or to make you feel like you belong.
I don't think you're like an iceberg. Static and cold. Or the deep dark sea. I think you've got more in common with a volcano, changing and rearranging things and occasionally, gloriously erupting. Or an enormous wildfire. A fire like that makes its own weather. It jumps rivers and canyons. It goes where it wants.
Your dear mother may have said patience is a virtue but she probably didn't believe it. It's only handy if you've got all the time in the world. And no one does. I'm sure Georgie would agree; patience is a drag. So is blank. Blank is dead.
I disagree that we're from "nothingness." We come from something wilder and more fearsome than we can ever imagine. We all have a spark of it in us but maybe some of us got a little more than just a spark. James.

Until I fit that glass slipper I used to have to clean the floors all the time. Patience is a virtue and I am glad for all you shared with this post. I guess life is not just a beach and then you die...
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have to love Emmerling's

goofy giggling best

note: hot smoke and sassafras, algis

Congrats James!

Congrats on a well-deserved EP. You did a great job at capturing your mind-set with your style of writing. :-)

Crongrats on the EP & making it to the Cover Page!! Woo Hooo!!!

Your candor just educated me more than any college class could have. Thank you for your openness and for being here. Congrats on a well-deserved EP.

Congrats on EP James! Well deserved. Sort of a belated birthday prezzie, i think.

It makes me wonder if mental illness is even appropriate here. Space/time disordered? Or just accelerating and decelerating at different rates than others? I see a lot of mentally ill people masquerading as politicians and their ilk, in that their thoughts and beliefs and ideas are toxic and treacherous to many people, harmful. If you are going to start an unchurch, I'd be happy to hear your Gospel, man. It's pretty beautiful truth, and I can rev my spin up a few notches- for a while, anyhow.

Something brought me back here tonight.It must have been the picture.
Stathi,I know what you mean when you speak of nothingness.
It's the bottom line of Hinduism and Bhuddism.
Yes,we need to find this place again.
I have heard someone say that human sin is to be deprived from God.

Sorry:Buddhism

"The truth will arrive soon. If not , I shall have to go looking for her again."
I do love this line, James.
I don't really believe in "disordered"...but instead in "differently ordered". If we all were the same the world would be awful.
We all need to listen to each other.
Happy Birthday, and many wonderful returns of the day.

~ Rose

Mentally ill or overly evolved? I think you leave the likes of me in the dust. I also think the need to bandage people up allows us the opportunity to forget that we also need bandaged. Which is hardly a bad thing. I'd much rather ignore my issues.

Congrats on the EP, my friend.

I believe you were "selected" by both the brain creators and the editor because you can teach us something. Yes to special.

I lived from a very small age until almost 40 before doctors finally got the lowdown on what a wide swath depression cuts through the world of the mentally ill. For years, I wondered why, all of a sudden, almost out of nowhere, I would trigger and shoot up like a rocket into a psychotic babble-land where the smallest, most inconsequential things seemed astoundingly meaningful. Sometimes I'd hit grandeloquence to the point that, once, before treatment, I thought I was somehow involved in the Oliver North business. I was treated with drugs more appropriate to schizophrenia, and still suffered. It wasn't until the advent of SSRI antidepressants like Prozac or Zoloft that I got a proper diagnosis. In one fell swoop, I discovered, scientists, trying to treat straight-ahead, major depression, stumbled upon answers beyond anyone's comprehension: OCD, Bipolar Disorder, even symptoms of PTSD, were all related to chemical changes in the brain.

I remember sitting in a bomb-shelter of an apartment after getting out of the hospital for suicidal ideation with the sudden realization that, yes, this is peace-of-mind, this is what normal people experience almost daily, and this is a world in which anxiety rules no more.

Boy. Did I have a lot to learn! After all,my anxiety antenna no longer worked. I had to learn to relate to more than just good or bad feelings; I had an entire range of emotions to discover and to which I had to learn to relate.

Often, for us Bipolar sufferers, the cure is only the beginning of a long road home. I still had those rocket-like manias from time to time, about once every year-and-a-half for some reason, and then came the new mood stabilizers like Risperdal. While I still have hypomanic episodes (those are the "low" manias) I rarely edge into full-blown psychotic depression or mania.

I only wish science had discovered these miracle drugs 20 or 30 years earlier. I lost a lot of time, my entire youth, to a chemical imbalance in my brain, or, as Kurt Vonnegut calls it in his book, "Breakfast of Champions"...bad chemicals.

"Blank is good. It reconnects you to Nothingness, which is where we are from. "

Aahhhhhhh, thank you for that.

"Blank is good. It reconnects you to Nothingness, which is where we are from. "

Aahhhhhhh, thank you for that.

WOW!
i just wrote the longest comment
i have ever written
and it got smoked
maybe I am hacked like ART
My cat was the greatest
even if yours was
I sure hope OS sticks around
or you start your own website
or write a book
I love to come here to read
my reading time is so short lately
my writing time even shorter
my dog nags at me to write Georgie
I am still babysitting for
2 Corgi's, a Dorgi and
Frisco is going wonkers
with all the girly energy
in the house
he wants to visit Georgie
and get out of this harem
rated with love

Emmerling on the OS cover? May be the end of the world as we know it, and I feel fine.. bla, ach! (really... I love it and congrats man, for whatever that is worth- my congrats, and the OS cover)
The truly gifted are the most tortured souls I do believe.
Myself? Barely tortured at all.

Great post James. I'm glad I happened by. denese

An Editor's Pick that comes with a bonus centerfold! How cool is that?

Simply brilliant. Kudos on the EP, my friend. R.

James, Not all of this is the territory of the mentally ill but the gifted (or some facsimile thereof) in some senses too. But you knew that didn't you?


"Well, when she talks to all the servants
About man and God and law
Everybody says
She's the brains behind pa
She's sixty-eight, but she says she's fifty-four."

(that'll be me when I 68)

You know what? Maggie's Farm was going through my head today too. I kid you not. Are you reading my mind again?
(Rated with a capital R)

Congrats on your EP!

I agree with Margaret;
only you would get that AND the bonus centerfold.

;)

Margaret Trudeau:"Changing my mind"ISBN-13:9780062064875

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Chopin Prélude No. 4 - Mind Parts
1 day ago ... I think they call that writer's block or not being very creative. I am not really sure. ...

Mind Parts: Expressive Writing Archives
Apr 8, 2012 ... Mind Parts .... and motivating statement anyone has said to me, has come from
my therapist, who from here on in I will call "My Healing Guide.
Memory Errors and Kernel Panic - Mind Parts

Aug 5, 2011 ... When I allow parts of me to come forward, so to speak, I put a lot on the line. I
know full ... It's interesting how our minds go with the metaphors presented. ....
balance you brought forward but Steve Jobs reminded us in his Stanford address
to go forward and to "be foolish." ... Copyright © 2008-2012 Mind Parts.
http://www.mindparts.org/2011/08/computer-metaphor.html

" I get impatient, and want to blurt things out i thought of while we were conversing. I tend to have associative brain patterns: you mention your cat, i think of mine.etc."

I could have copied your whole article in here. That is how much I relate to what you've said. I'm having a ptsd episode right now from the events of last Friday. You help me stay sane-ish. Thanks for that.

And yay on the EP! Well deserved.

PHYLIS: That is the first time anyone ever said that. That I help them stay sane! Thank u. That is better than the EP and the cover!

HEIDI: Thank you. And thanks for understanding what I meant by Nothingness. It is NOT ‘nothing’…it is no thing. As in: no particular limited thing. With a time, and a space to fill. It is THAT WHICH IS a pregnant void, a place from which all possibility arises. But not a ‘thing’. Hence, nothing.

MARGARET: PLEASE READ THE ABOVE COMMENT, so we understand each other.About, ha, well about nothing!!

V: Yeah, but this centerfold is kinda hard to pin up on my wall so I can look at it , at will…
SCARLETT: thanks. And for seeing my veiled irony: gifted and disordered are kind of the same thing, or can be. Then there is true disease, as in dis-ease..no order at all, not even “dis”-order, which of course is simply a different kind of order…no, in disease is what we call chaos. Self-enclosure unto madness.

DEB: Thanks. I dunno about the ‘brilliant’ part, but the ‘simple’ part, I agree with. Simply…me.

DENESE: I am glad u came by too. You are always invited! No need to call first!
TRIG; yes, it could be the final sign of the much-ballyhooed Apocalypse. That would be cool. As for your ‘torture’, well…you wouldn’t be reading my shit if there wasn’t SOMETHING wrong with u!

ROM. POETESS: what I do , is this:
When commenting , especially long important ones, like to u, I write them in word. Then copy em on the os comment space. OR, I write on the comment space, and copy, before hitting comment.

Georgie says:
‘frisco, badly in need of a guy pal. One who is a little bit smarter than me, but not a lot. One who can help me make sense of Momma’s sudden changes. She used to be MY momma, all mine, everyday. Now? There is a big gray headed alpha monkey in the house. He comes and steals my momma from me. I ate his watch. Ha! I thought maybe if he didn’t know what time it was, he would forget to come over.
I was wrong again. I can talk to uncle about it, but…well….dont tell him, but listening to him hurts my head sometimes..he cant give a straight answer to anything! Blah blah blah. All his stupid theories …and of course, his mental problem, which is..well, he thinks too much! love, G.


SARAH: yes! just...a ...pause....a rest in what the buddhists call 'monkey brain'

[r] thanks, James. courageous to explore your own personal psychological challenges.

I relate to the fight or flight response, though I like and relate to a third one sometimes mentioned, FREEZE. But that is a kind of flight, one's spirit flees even if one's body is stuck behind.

For a long time I have been a fan of Alice Miller, who wrote Drama of the Gifted Child. She reduces all emotional or psychological "dis"eases to manifestations and syndromes from childhood trauma. In Drama book (once called Prisoner of Childhood) she at one point says, "The brighter the child, the thicker the prison walls."

Miller talked about family cultures and also social cultures very critically if they were not nurturing enough or were too authoritarian to children especially re religionwise. Miller really kicked it up, especially got blowback on this since "honor thy parents" is such a big deal in most cultures and prioritizing the needs of children is not a big priority.

Her Drama book is all about the tragedy of a child having to earn conditional love and not having the existential security of unconditional love and acceptance. Enough of a measure of it and that prevents the child from extending it to himself or herself which causes so much "dis"ease. Lack of ease. She writes of how instead of mirroring to the child who they are and celebrating their unique essence as an independent human being, the child must reflect to the world and back to the parent who the parent is in a positive light. The child does not enjoy individuation from the parent.

I learned in 12 step programs that our "defense mechanisms" as children turn into our supposed "character defects" as adults. Hardly seems fair. In a surreal emotionally threatening environment being "normal" and not hypervigilant and maybe not in denial or self-denying in order to over-focus and over-identify with adults who demanded that focus would not have been survivable. We do and did what we must to survive.

And so many of our poor parents were survivors of trauma themselves. Sigh.

Sometimes like in alcoholic families we not only have defense mechanisms we have actual ROLES to play that are convenient for a stressed out family system. Sometimes these roles give us great skills in adult life, but at the same time we are not in balance, and were not encouraged to cultivate stuff that went with "roles we were not assigned."

4 basic roles of alcoholic families among children. Mascot, Lost Child, Hero and Scapegoat. I think I was the mascot growing up but eventually I was scapegoat and lost child. Never was hero I don't believe. FEAR was a big deal with the mascot child. ANGER was a big deal with the scapegoat child. SADNESS for the lost child. GUILT for the hero child.

Sometimes kids without many siblings have to double up on the roles. Hero is always a necessary one. I think Bill Clinton was a hero/mascot. I think his brother was scapegoat/lost child.

When I read the "Bell Jar" by Sylvia Plath, I had an epiphany! I realized how smart Plath was, but how confounded by the psychological nightmare she was plunged into so ferociously upon leaving college and the security of that environment in which she had excelled so. Her feelings were beyond her control. Her irrational fear and sadness and depression. Her confusion. Her courageous commentary of being a witness inside herself fascinated me because I related to it and I wanted to learn how to deal with it and change it for myself. Her courage and dignity and wit inspired me, too, and impressed me.

I am still learning so much. My not that long ago (after questing most of my adult life) discovery of my mother's unrecovered borderline personality disorder explains so much to me and it was a puzzle piece that has helped me appreciate all the more what I have been struggling with and trying so hard to hide from the rest of the world.

Such sources of shame and frustration and confusion. Being pathologically shame-based is hellish. The tapes in one's head so cruel at times. Some selfhelp guru referred to it as treating ourselves like a roommate we don't like.

You know years ago once I came home from shopping as a no longer young adult and I pulled out of the shopping bag some Arrid deoderant and on the container it said 10 cents off at register.

Well, I had noticed the coupon attached to the packaging when I put it in the cart but by the time I got to the clerk I was distracted and totally forgot about it and didn't notice it nor the clerk as she rang me up. Certainly normal. Understandable.

Well, the tapes in my head standing there with this deoderant in my hand in my kitchen started to shriek at me that I was so STUPID AND WHAT A TRAGEDY THAT I HAD FORGOTTEN THE COUPON!!! BAD BAD BAD BAD GIRL. STUPID STUPID STUPID STUPID. It was my Dad's voice in my head who could not modulate his reactions when his children at any age ever made mistakes -- ANY MISTAKES OF WHATEVER NATURE OR DEGREE. And he did it to himself no doubt, as someone or someones had done it to him (he had grown up pretty much an orphan).

Anyway, so this voice is vilifying me for the 10 cents. And suddenly I stop and realize that by this time in my life I have spent hundreds and hundreds of dollars on therapy. (thankfully 12 step meetings were free or donation based and that therapy money slowed down out of necessity a/k/a poverty). But anyway, I had to laugh. 10 cents I was castigating myself for, meanwhile I had shelled out hundreds and hundreds to deal with Dad's and Mom's "tapes" in my head ... my ego had taken them for usefulness in driving me in my adulthood.

Suddenly ten cents was certainly no biggie, especially all that money spent to try to get me to stop listening to the very voice that was going on and on at the moment about the d*mn ten cents.

Sigh.

Take care and thanks for opening the subject and sharing.

best, libby

BP1 is me and mixed sometimes. Glorious. You shined fine- such a goodness and humor and intellect. You deserve first placement. Thank goodness someone with humor and power gave you light to shine. Hope I haven't missed other cover days!

I always admire people who can put into words something that others experience without being able to do so. This is one of the most insightful, thoughtful, and eloquent personal accounts of mental illness I have ever read.

Also, congratulations on a very-well merited EP.

Gorgeous...and a Cover very well-deserved.

rated

LIBBY, What a thoughtful wise comment. I hope I can do it justice in my response.

My goodness, you touch upon so many theories, all of them familiar to me. I consider them all to contain some aspect of the truth. Put them all together, as you have done in this grand comment, and you will have a “Meta-Theory”.

You especially touch upon Transactional Analysis, in your discussion of ‘roles’ and ‘tapes’ and ‘scripts’. Those theorists said quite frankly that we HAVE our parent in our head. And our child. And our Adult. The parent can be ‘good’ or ‘bad’. As can the child.

The ‘parent’ consists of actual tapes, i.e. memories , in your brain, of what they said, what their attitudes were. We introjected them very early, for what other choice did we have?

The ‘child’ in us IS the actual child. Reversion. Simple as that. Regression to a childlike state happens when we meet up with the ‘parent’ in someone else, someone who perhaps shames us as our parents did. Or..praises us…then, we ‘look up’ to this person.

The adult is the central ego, I suppose.Trying to make rational sense of all the goings-on.
…………………………….
Defense mechanisms are important to protect the growing child, and indeed it is ironic that they become our flaws, but that makes sense. We outgrow the clothes we are given to shelter us from the weather. We need to seek new clothes for our soul. Always. It is a never ending process.

But in our society, where there is certainly no one without defense mechanisms, we find that some are more common, hence ‘normal’. For example, it is said often, “oh, this person is a workaholic…this one is a foodaholic..this one is very productive and busy, but not terribly self-aware, this one uses sex, etc” . What is common, normal, is idolized somewhat. False idols: greed, rapacity, aggressiveness, etc.
.............

How in the world did i forget 'freeze'? You are absolutely right. And i love the way you say it is a form of flight. Animals play dead, do they not?
I shall revisit your comment later.
Thank you, James.

being a five out of ten is considered 'normal'.......to me it means average....
R.

STEEL; no matter how much we as a society say "YOU ARE SPECIAL, ONE OF A KIND, "etc, i suspect Conformity
is still most people's deepest wish.
Of course,
the weird thing is that to be an average conformist these days,
you gotta go around thinking you are special.
Cuz that is the norm. Narcissistic self-enclosure.
Bumping of 'very special' average robot egos.


ALYSA:Thank u, dear friend. It has been difficult, i must admit, to get to the point where i can, uh, spill my guts like this w/o embarrassment. I have had alot of loving support along the way, including of course you!

JONATHON: thanks. Crack that nut open and see what's inside! ha.

GORDON: THANK you for your magnificent comment. I know well what you mean about that whole range of emotions that need to be learned.

Or..shall we say..enjoyed? We are familiar with emotions, but they rush so fast through us that we never get to sit down & get to know them...

Oliver North, hm? Oh, the tales i could tell about the bad old days of unrestrained mania. I have always been rather arrogant , due to an arrogant daddy. I saw myself as quite central to the running of the universe. Nuff said for now!

"trigger and shoot up like a rocket
into a psychotic babble-land
where the smallest,
most inconsequential things
seemed astoundingly meaningful"

(the truth,alas, is that they ARE. But perspective is needed, eh?)

MANGO: NO, you haven’t missed other cover-boy days for me. Ha. Hardly. I am beside myself. It is ironically probably not that good for my poor Head, which gets big anyway. Some times..yes..as you say,
“Thank goodness someone with humor and power gave me light to shine.” Lotsa people. Like u! and os.

KERI: Yes, my brain has always said, “Listen, you dumb insecure little fucker, you are special. So shape up!”
I thought my brain was simply flattering me .
But now the editors say I am special, so now of course, you know what that damn brain of mine is saying to me?
“Lissen, kiddo, you are like, average intelligent. You know zip about so many things that if yer friends knew what an ignoramus you were, you would have to hide under the bed. “
Damn that brain!

Lots of food for thoughts (useful ones!) here. And good feeling, too.

LUMINOUS: delighted to see you, and thanks. Food. And good feeling.

ASIA; the need to bandage others is indeed inextricably linked to the need to bandage self. We seek out projections of our own selves, in the selves we allow IN. That sounds bad, but it is not, if you accept that there is only ONE SELF. That is the HUMAN SELF. It is infinitely variable, but very real in its one-ness. Hope I am not getting too damn metaphysical here.

ROSIGAMI: you put it well. “Dis”-ordered from what “order”? There are many orders. Who is to say one is “dis”? that sounds like I am being “dissed”,ha.

ORYOKI! Rev up your spin, girl! I love this: “space/time disordered? Or just accelerating and decelerating at different rates than others?” exactly…and this makes me think of a Theory of Human Relativity, regarding how things are revved up (or slowed down) according to YOUR speed. What about that speed of light, I wonder………………………………………………..

On the cover where you belong!

Damn, how come you let Gurdjieff...er, I mean Gerald comment before I could get here? He said what I woulda said. I can add this, tho, that a lot of what you describe here I experience, attributing it to my diagnosed ADD. I take Ritalin to help me focus and I take naps, and write. Being with people usually wears me out. I either get terribly bored (with them or myself) or terribly angry (at them or myself) or so enthusiastic I scare them (or myself).

Congrats on the EP and cover! An OS belated birthday present.

MIGUELA, so many thanks for that pithy comment, which may or may not be true, I dunno, but it makes me feel great.

MATT; I had no idea you were one of “US”. These symptoms are very concerning, to me, who is not only a mental nutcase, but also a mental health advocate, who has been trained. Ritalin, hm? Yo man whatever gets you thru this valley of tears. Most advocates are not as honest as me. I have a “spectrum” theory of mental health/disorder…everyone is on it..everyone needs help..a little help from their friends…be they human, cybernetic, or pharmaceutical

Good morning, James. What a beautiful day here in Austin to wake up and see you with your rocking EP! Congrats!

so, as you know, I've only been here awhile. finding you in my computer, and learning more about you has been a real pleasure. I told you awhile ago that I really like it when you write "this way" because the humanity and vulnerability in your writing is breathtaking. That's what I respond to, and, it appears, so doe a whole helluva lot of people.

Thank you for sharing all of that here, in this post, and in all your honest posts.

Warm Regards from your fan,

Pandora/Emily

ps - thanks for telling me about double bind. I never knew there was a name for that. I usually recognize it, just a little too late, after I have stepped in the poo.

I've been wishing I had someone, a professional someone, to help me figure stuff out, but now I have you!

You're the first person I've heard of who runs around telling everyone he's been in a mental institution. Glad to hear that people don't think you're still mentally ill when they hear you say this. But still, it sounds like a crazy thing to do, if you ask me.

Also weird that people "spill" to a former mental patient. Maybe this is a fulfillment of the theory that most psychiatrists are crazy themselves?

In any case, congrats on your recovery, and keep strong. Good post

PANDORA, lady, I do ‘humanity ‘ and ‘vulnerability’ as easily as I , uh, turn on the tv to see whats on.
I shall try to do more. Especially if it gets me fame . I am ultimately an insecure little shithead, always wanting daddy or mommy’s approval. I have not yet met anyone who isn’t. tho they have many ways to deny it.
I tell them, “daddy is in your head. You are trying to gain yer own approval. “
They say, “huh”. And go on their way
~~~~
JINKS! I AM A gentle man scholar bipolar dude. I do not go “running around” telling “everyone” I been in an institution, which I have, but very very briefly. Only one. I talked my way out. Didn’t like it there.

A former mental patient is open to anything. I happen to be a serious, well educated , adult . A lot are not, and I wouldn’t recommend spilling to them.

Thank u!

What am I? Meatloaf? (Congrats on the EP)

SCANNER, no dammit you are not meatloaf. What u said is interesting. About being able to spot a mood in a bipolar friend. I too can do this, but bipolars’ moods are notoriously flexible. If you enter their place and they look down, well, you naturally bring them up. When they get too weirdly up for your taste, you bring em down.

I have actually internalized this process, and can self administer it. not a lot of us can.
If you encountered me, it would be like encountering bogart. Stone faced. Cigarette. Fast talking. Smirking. Snarling. Smoking. No way to tell if that guy is gonna explode into rage , righteous rage, or maybe get seductive, low voiced. Or just be a joker

KATE: YES, maybe. A belated present. Who knew the editors knew my birthday???
ISCH: My candor is college level indeed. I ought to go back to college, get that bachelor’s degree. 20 credits short.
JMAC; WOO HOO INDEED. Ah, but a humble man like me never lives with his past glories, but strays off into the jungle to look for the darkest heart of shangra la.

Post Mormon: it is easy to capture my mindset for it comes out my fingers on my keyboard!

RITA. Ah thank u . spill yer guts, get a cover. Ok. Got it.

UME: YOU SIR read me better than most, for yes , it was actually a giggly post.

ALGIS: HONORED AS ALWAYS. That is one hell of a design. Dunno if I deserve all that!

20 credits short of the bachelor's degree?Run,James,run!You can't feed your brilliance,your knowledge and wisdom to the pigs.They prefer potatoes and corn.

Das Talentegleichnis - Anspruch und Gottesbild
www.vom-lektorat-zum-buch.de/blog/talente.php
Mt 25,14-30
Lk 19,11-27

It's incredible to me to read OS writers over the last couple years and see creative and personal growth. You, Sir James, are one of those writers blooming. I don't say this to flatter you or make you like me, though you may be, but because it's the truth. How succinctly and imaginatively you explain how it feels to be bipolar. Your craft is well honed...keep going.

My question about fugue states (a term I first encountered in Walker Percy); how do you know which is fugue and which is non-fugue?

r

HEIDI, I am fully into auto didacticism mode by now, so I have no patience for higher (lower) education.

MAUREEN; you miss the missing link in your line of thought.. the truth is the only thing that flatters..now if I could only agree with you..well, yeah, I do, a bit. Thank u.

CON: fugue involves loss of personal identity, the I, I believe. Having never lost it myself, I cannot explain it. it is akin to dream surely, which is a universe we denigrate. It is akin to amnesia, which I also never had, even in my best drinking days. It is a disassociative phenomen . this means a split in the psyche, done for good reason, no doubt..to defend said psyche…

You don't strike me as mentally ill. But, that might be my problem.
great post. Glad to see that the editor is recognized you.

AH FERNSY I MUST BE! mentally disordered.
sure got alot of the symptoms.
that is how they classify you.
when they came across my hundreds of symptoms,
an expert older guy was brought in.

'so, u a bipolar?" he said.
"could be, man,. how the f, should i know?"
"mm good point. do you get suicidial or homicidal?"
i guffawed. "are you serious????????"
"nah not really . gotta ask that. ok, look, u wanna kill anyone now?"
"nope"
"aha. good. and u wanna off yerself?"
"nope"
"wait, tho..if you could! how would u do it?"
"a quick clean death. i dont want a bunch of women cleaning up after me. maybe..uh.....hire a boat, go out to sea, jump in, and shoot myself?"

"hey that aint bad"
"thanks."

"look, you present yourself as rather sane, if a bit ironic and dark. but i detect not much illness. want me to diagnosis one?"
"whattaya think, sir?"
"generalized anxiety disorder is good, you get some good drugs.
uh, depression, cuz yer ssri's could maybe use a boost.
what do u think about..ah..bipolar two?"
"fine."
"you dont even know about it!"
"the fuck i dont. i can read, man"
etc.

James, thanks for your generous and insightful response back to me.

Transactional analysis is a great approach to it all, too. Eric Berne was a genius. I don't think he was credited with the respect he deserved from his own fellow therapeutic professionals. But he was at least one of the fathers probably of the popular and more accessible self-help book instead of more sophisticated psychological treatises especially with his great seller Games People Play, etc. Claude Steiner picked up his baton and kept on with it.

My very favorite of Berne's theories is the "pig parent". I think this is so key and wonder why it wasn't embraced more as explaining authoritarians and authoritarian followers.

This is part of the CHILD ego state but it masquerades as the parent ego state and it confuses others but it is especially deadly when an adult and a parent uses it on children. The "pig parent" is narcissistic and manipulative and primitive and wants what it wants but it spins its voice as an authoritative parent and elicits trust in others who believe they are trusting a genuine parent state and get betrayed.

The "pig parent" says, this is for your own good as it hurts you and disrespects you and conditions you to disrespect yourself. On the ugliest level, Sandusky was coming from a "pig parent" using his authority as an adult and confusing mixed messages to the kids to exploit them.

When politicians pop off that we must wage war on Iran or any where, for example, they often posture like they are more knowledgeable about the importance of going to war and bossy about it and often people go into a Pavlovian trance over their authoritarian tone but in actuality they are in the primitive "pig parent" state.

Bottom line horror -- Hitler led from a "pig parent".

The pig parent gets off on controlling and manipulating and punishing under cover of being the caretaking "parent" but that is not the real transactional parent psychic state. It is a pretender and it tragically leaves the child when a child's own parents lapse into it too excessively during their life and betrays the child (who is so dependent on the parent and wants to trust him or her) susceptible to rogue "pig parents" as the adult child continues to go through the balance of their lives.

If the growing and the adult child remains denying about the parent having been a chronic "pig parent" then they cannot call out the exploiting "pig parents" they meet up with because it will illuminate the sentimental image of their own parents as being a self-lie and be devastating to face. But that kind of reckoning is important, though not easy. It will free them from becoming enmeshed with abusive people.

appreciate you are well versed in transactional analysis! very profound stuff. don't often get to delve into this. thanks for the use of the "hall" alone with your patient and generous and wise ears! :-)

take care! best, libby

meant to say "along" not "alone" ... was that a Freudian slippage? sigh. libby

James..your a good man..that is all : )

Scanner---


"I have friends who are bi-polar and it only takes a glance to know what their mood is today. I don't care which mood they're in, they're my friends and we just keep on keeping on."


Same here.. ; )

LIBBY: FREUDIAN slippage always accepted, often encouraged.
the pig parent, hm?The "pig parent" says, this is for your own good as it hurts you and disrespects you and conditions you to disrespect yourself. On the ugliest level, Sandusky was coming from a "pig parent" using his authority as an adult and confusing mixed messages to the kids to exploit them.

Pig parent: “an additional child ego state that instead of speaking
with a discernible child ego state

mimics the parent ego state voice.
It issues orders and injunctions
but not with the good will and wisdom to protect
Using the voice of the parent, the “for your own good
firmly uses that counterfeit voice to primitively
and selfishly satisfy its own self-aggrandizing needs and impulses.

Sadly, the “pig parent” abuses brilliantly and hypocritically, posing as an expert, highly imposing
“

for it is rather unreal, I think , as it is not the REAL parent , but the subjective interpretation of the parent, maybe the deadliest demon roaming the land…’’what I thought they meant’..



brianne…I accept that! I am good. For truth is beauty & both are encompassed in good. Ha.

Dear James, I am so sorry for being late to the party, but sincere congratulations on your EP!

cc..dear lady, worry not. actually, uh,
the ones who were first are not eliciting personal comments
on their comments
cuz i am lazy..so..you are lucky..

tease! i am gonna answer EVERY ONE. OR DIE TRYING........

Very interesting thoughts, indeed, with much to ponder. Thank you for sharing them.

I have left a few links here,regarding mental disorder.

Margaret Trudeau is bipolar,very intelligent and member of a board in BC,Ca.
She is a survivor.

Mind parts is another link.This blog is highly recommendable.The initiator of this blog is also afflicted.

It is a known fact that mental disorder/bi-polarity often affects people with an with exceptionally high IQ.

Gongratulations, gongratulations, gongratulations!!!! And be well, cause as you said ""... we are still evolving...""

Excellent work, james!!

dude, congrats on the EP. very cool. and what a huge response. yowza!
maybe blogging is a perfect activity for the mentally ill.
& yes I agree, you're a really sane/lucid blogger, its hard to imagine you, as the euphemism goes, "off your meds". so you dont mention but do meds help you keep it all under control?

Just when I thought I had escaped from the normals...they pull me back in. Or maybe I pushed myself back in. All this push and pulling talk is getting me horny.

Disordered, mentally ill, exceptional, brilliant, whatever -- your self awareness is remarkable . That this new editor sees that is nothing short of encouraging. Congratulations to both of you!

Lezlie

Lezlie:
Last sunday,we celebrated James' birthday...and several blogs picking up this issue...caused the editor to wake up.
Everyone on OS... involved in blogging and commenting... was fully aware and alert,and ,as James himself pointed out,his birthday was also apocalyptic,with the option of OS heading into a catastrophe.
The interesting point about the the whole situation is that you with your open call,Fernsy with hers,all these sad good by stories,all the cheer-up stories and last but not least,the open discussion of alternatives plus severalposts with supportive suggestions on cyber-tricks* must have had an impact on the editor's crew,and with a good portion of luck,June 24,2012 might have made his way to the upper etage where the fate of OS is pending.

*zumalicious;the other blogger was J.D.Smith,but I lost trak of him.

another ep!!

Hey, James. You are so damn hard on your self, I feel. I do not mean to reshape anything here. You 're an intriguing, open and creative force. No one is better liked. I think that you're onto what Chris Rock picked up on -- referring to what it's like being one who is an Observational humorist -- you have to pay for that power to take what you see, make it interesting, funny or seminal. It is what we do. But you are brilliantly honest, creative and a great communicator. When can we have some more Rena and ham? ...
Love your family saga ... R>>>>>>>

You are infinitely braver than I am. After each setback or disaster, I run away and hide, taking my posts with me. You inspire me to come out of the closet.

Ok. and you got an EP - lol

"he/she is stuck in a mental feedback loop, which i know all about. Talking about something from the past that is unresolved, perhaps unresolvable....

These loops bore the hell out of me, especially in myself... "

yes you do know is why we spill out to you sometimes

And this is why we like to be with you bec you know and remind us often too

"The point is: the Unconscious, that which we are not yet conscious of, that which we have not made an object of thought, that which we simply live out, runs the show...

Unfathomable is the human situation. We make it up as we go along. What you, reader, think or say or do today, affects a lot more than you know, for we are still evolving."

and there are times you run the show here and now :)