The advent of social media has brought with it new pressures and new opportunities. In addition to being able to keep my closest four hundred friends abreast in the latest news re: me, I also have the power to dazzle them with the cleverness that I’ve been honing since infancy. As a child, I might have borne witness to several faux pas, but without an audience to whom to broadcast them, this art had been near extinction.
Enter AOL and the now defunct AIM, the first experience in instant messaging since the invention of yelling across the room. Suddenly, the ability to convey my inner most thoughts and observations was at the tips of my fingers and I wasted no time in popping up in chat rooms across the world with the now famous a/s/l, which asked the members to identify themselves. Though the governor of Arizona has yet to give me credit, this was the inspiration for the ingenious Support Our Law Enforcement and Safe Neighborhoods Act, which stops brown people in the streets and basically asks them the same thing, except the “l” in that case stands for language.
Eventually, my friend Tom started MySpace, which allowed people who had previously discounted me in high school to get to re-know me in a controlled atmosphere. I have since been world reknowned. However, It was when Tom sold out to Mark Zuckerberg that things really started to happen for me. Although I can’t take full credit for the status update, I will go on record as saying that I am one of the only people I know who regularly keep my followers informed about my daily dietary regimen. I won’t say I invented the whole gluten-free, vegan, raw thing, but if I am cited on wikipedia as one of the main influencers, let’s just say that isn’t much of a stretch. Hey - I just put it out there, and if people want to credit me with improving their lives, energy, and balance, so be it. Far be it from me to take away the joy they feel in sharing what they have learned from me.
And, truth be told, some of the ideas I get come from outside my own head. Inspiration is everywhere, if you keep your eyes and mind open. (I made that up just now, do you see what I mean?) I’ve been known to find quotable sayings on anything from stick figures of old ladies with sour looks on their faces to kittens and the Dalai Lama. I feel like it is my duty to not only incorporate their teachings into my everyday life, but to share them with the people. For instance, I found a timely quote from Donald Trump explaining the intricacies of the Healthcare Bill that was just passed by the SCROTUM and I passed it along to keep everyone informed, which is vey important in an election year. And no, I’m not looking for awards or financial compensation, I’m just doing my best for my country because I am a patriot.
You might think that my fame might top out here, but with the advent of Twitter, I have been able to put my message out to the masses using an even simpler interface. Although it’s sometimes hard to come up with 140 characters all at once, I do it for my fans. Once, I was able to break the news that the cute one from the BeeGees died and it was ReTweeted four times. The Retweet is the real modern day measure of importance. It means that people come to you for the news, which is something I would never take lightly. I have a huge responsibility to all fourteen of my followers, which is why I’ve been giving a lot of thought to my last tweet, should something tragic and unexpected befall me. I was recently informed that my Klout score went up to 51 just this week, which means that I might be a target of foul play. My mom wouldn’t hear of upping my security detail, so I’ve had to take matters into my own hands. I put an ad on Craig’s List for an armed assassin who looks like Kevin Costner. I said that I couldn’t pay much, but I did put a picture of myself in my bikini from last year after I tried the Gwyneth Paltrow starvation diet. Even though I lost some of my hair, my abs never looked so good. I put my address on the ad next to the picture and made it a requirement that they had to bring their firearm. I don’t just trust anyone who says they have a gun. I’m not stupid.
So, while I wait for them to come this afternoon while my mom is at work, I’ve been wracking my brain for the perfect tweet. It would have to be timely, clever, full of insight and most importantly, make people feel jealous of my life. It would need ReTweetability. It would have the wisdom of Sinatra mixed with the enlightenment of Gaga. It would be timeless. Quotable. And totally me.
“OMG - there’s someone knocking at my door. Wow - there's so many! I must be really popular on Craig's List too. #EPIC.”