We were both in college.

We dated for 3 years.

This was in a previous life, or so it seems.

At the time, I did love him. In that way only first love can. That makes you think that life is not worth living without the other person. Where every song on the radio is about the two of you. Every note is kept. Flowers are dried. Dorkey stuffed animals decorate the bed. Where there are immature fights and jealousies. Mistakes are made. A break up (temporary??) leads to an arranged marriage to another. And there is no going back.

Every year, there was a birthday card. And every year, I would tell him to move on. Then, there was an occasional e mail. This all started before there was e mail. Ancient history.

Then I got divorced. This was 12 years ago. 

This should have been that slow motion scene where the 2 people run towards each other. Or the scene where I realize how perfect it all is. You know, and they lived happily ever after moment.

Somewhere along the line, I fell out of love. Is that possible? I do not know how to answer that because it is so hard for me to define love.

Somewhere along the way, I lost respect. Was it the thrill of the chase? Was it because he still loved me unconditionally that I could not love him back? 

He has had his share of relationships over the years. None of them worked out--or so he says. In a way it feels like he has been waiting for me. For 22 years. So there has to be something wrong with him--right? I mean there are many other people. How could one person (me) be someone worth waiting 22 years for?

During that time, I have had other relationships. True, none of them were the permanent kind. They were fun. For a time. Until they were not. Then it was miserable. Until both people had had enough and it was time to move on. 

Over the years, I have maintained a sort of friendship with some of my past "flings". Every time, I am like.......oh, what did I ever see it that person?

I sometimes wonder if it is me. I mean, I like someone. Then I love them. Then I see a future. Then we break apart. Then I can never go back to that initial place where the like, can't wait to talk, can't wait to see, can't wait to make plans stage. 

I am starting to feel old. Not chronologically or physically. Just old in the pit of my stomach. Old in the sense that I do not want to date. Try to impress. I just want to be myself. By myself at home, dinner with friends, or movies, or anything. I am starting to feel comfortable. 

So when he contacted me about 4 months ago, I tried to keep an open mind. We dated a bit. It is long distance but not unsurpassable. I loved his parents. They have called me. I missed them (more than him). It feels like family.  It is not anxious, giddy, or skipping kind of feeling. Like not wearing any makeup or doing anything special with my hair or anything. Just me. Jeans or a simple dress. Comfortable.

I am going to see him. I was only planning for 2 days--Sunday and Monday. But I was reminded (by him) that it was Valentine's Day on Tuesday. I tried to pull the old "it is only a Hallmark holiday" routine. I could hear the disappointment. So I went to the store, bought a Valentine's day present (non romantic) and am planning on coming back on Wednesday morning. 

And I am kind of looking forward to seeing him. So, is this love?