It's a mad, mad, mad, mad world...

APRIL 3, 2009 2:38PM

I like to watch

Rate: 8 Flag

I'm fortunate to live in one of the few parts of Miami that can (almost) be mistaken for Paris, with it's quaint shops (all within walking distance), great restaurants, and little cafes. When I have a free morning, I walk the few blocks to my  favorite french bakery. The two things I love most about this place are the ham and cheese croissants and the view for people watching. I've spent many mornings at a small tiled table, alone, blissfully drinking my coffee and spending a relaxing morning in the sunshine.

This morning was no different.... until I saw the HOTTEST guy across the street putting money in a parking meter. Oh.  I think I stopped in mid bite with my croissant and just gawked. He was tall, hunky, long curly hair, like down to his waist long, and just hot hot HOT!!! Ooooohhhhhh..... me likey. I don't usually see guys this hot in Miami. Plenty of hot guys here, but usually not my type. This one definitely IS my type. My dirty-minded fantasy was just starting to warm up in my brain when I noticed the car in his parking spot was a gaudy Hummer. Small strike, but hey it's a fantasy... I can ignore the fact that my object drives a non eco-friendly gas guzzler. 

I think I was imagining the two of us naked and sweaty with our limbs entangled when I saw "Stunning Woman in Blue Dress" emerge from the vehicle and walk over to him. No No No NO NO!!!!! This is not part of the fantasy. Dammitalltohell. But wait... it gets worse. Stunning Woman in Blue Dress in holding hands with a beautiful little girl who has long curly hair. She's about 8 and looks just like Daddy. Aaawww.... crap. This was so much hotter when it was just hot guy on the street and me sipping my chai latte in imaginary naked bliss. My fantasy is pretty much ruined at this point. But wait... there's more!! Is that a little boy emerging from the vehicle? Why yes, yes it is. Cute little boy that looks just like Mommy with her sleek black hair and tilted eyes.  Aaawww.....crap.  I think I may have openly started weeping by this point. This is not how this fantasy is supposed to be playing out. 

But wait... it gets still worse! 

I'm sitting at my little table inside my cafe, sipping my chai latte and eating my croissant, when Stunning Woman in Blue Dress and HOT Hunky Man begin crossing the street with their beautiful children in tow and WALK STRAIGHT AT ME. I immediately look down at my table and decide to just ignore them. Bite. Chew. Swallow. Sip. Swallow. Peruse display case of pastries. Ohmygod-theyrewalkingintothebakery. Keep looking down. Bite. Chew. Swallow. Sip. Swallow.  Examine fingernails. I've never had a fantasy collide with my physical world so abruptly before. I may have actually begun sweating in the presence of this HOT guy who just passed within inches of me. I felt the air move. That air was touching him. Bite. Chew. Swallow. Sip. Swallow. I hear conversation about what to order. I catch sight of Stunning Woman in Blue Dress and her perfect skin. Even on her legs her skin is perfect. How the hell does she accomplish that? No matter how much I exfoliate, I never get the skin on my legs to be that smooth, unblemished, and perfect. That's it. I've officially decided to hate her.

But then she spoke to me. 

"You don't like the coffee here?" I look up at her and then down at what I'm drinking. My Chai latte is from Starbucks and looks like coffee. Her hunky HOT husband is standing next to her but I don't look at him. "Well, actually it's not coffee" I say. And she says, "Oh, Chai then, right?" "Yes", I say, finally smiling. Wow, she's sharp and beautiful. Okay, I can't hate her anymore. She deserves him. I finally look at hunky HOT guy and he's smiling at me. Warm and happy and oh so beautiful. Man-oh-man-oh-man. He is HOT. I smile back at both of them. Stunning Woman in Blue Dress says something about how much she loves Chai but hates the soy milk at Starbucks because it's too sweet. My sentiments exactly. I agree with her and when she asks me if it's a Soy Chai I say no. Wow, I really like these people. It's an odd conversation to like someone for, but I do. We banter on a bit more about soy milk and it's weird aftertaste and then her marvelously well behaved beautiful children decide what they want from the display case and they all have a seat right behind me.

I feel a pang of regret at remembering being in a couple and being friends with other couples that were funny and interesting. I really miss it. So many of my "couple" friends broke up over the past few years, and we're all just splintered singles now. It's a shame, really. I become nostalgic and think about all the people I've known in different cities and the turns our lives have taken. I take the last sip of my Chai and try to remember when I started drinking Chai. Can't remember. I'm 40, yet I feel so old sometimes... like I've lived 6 lives already. 

I sigh and collect my trash as I get up from my table. One more smile at the perfect family as I turn for the door. Hunky HOT guy is helping his daughter pick out an Easter basket. Sigh. 

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maybe they likes threesomes?
LOL...good one Brian!

This was totally amusing. Great Friday afternoon read.
Brian.... yeah, I thought about that!! Hmmmm.... fantasy mode back ON.
I thought about the threesome thing, too. Maybe we all just need to get out more.

Great writing.
Major bummer. But I am sooooo jealous of your neighborhood! I want to live THERE!
That's why I try not to bother with people on a fantisizational level (totally made up word). I gave up chasing girls. I'll let them come to me, if they're so inclined :)
Great post. Hopefully you didn't get sweat all over the keyboard :D
funny, i just had a similar experience with a petite little cutie at Wendy's with two kids no tow but no hot hunky guy in sight. i couldn't keep my eyes off her but i did resist the urge to do a wheelie on my motorcycle when i left.

see, i'm growing. not that long ago i wouldn't have resisted the urge.

i wonder if mrs. cap'n is in the mood tonight... god i'm awful.
I'm 40, too - recently single in Boynton Beach. Maybe we could go perusing guys together????