You of a certain age and time surely remember the threat of the PERMANENT RECORD. We were constantly reminded that certain behaviors, both good and bad could end up on our PERMANENT RECORD. Tell that to a first grader who had got distracted at recess, played too long on the merry-go-round and accidentally pissed his pants and the tears would fly. He was convinced that his life was ruined. By fourth grade we acted like it didn't matter when the threat was used but it still kept us up late at night alone in bed, not sure of what it meant. By eighth grade the average response was :" Oh, big whoop! You can't boss me around with that crap." By the senior year, the doubt returned. Perhaps, they have been serious all along.
But the reverse could be true. Help Janitor Jack empty the trash cans, erase the blackboards or hit all the right notes on the tonnette and that too would be noted. But there was more fear than reward involved when the term PERMANENT RECORD was invoked.
Well, friends, I have mine in my possession as we speak. Yes, mates, I have found and read my PERMANENT RECORD! I donated a simple hundred bucks to my crooked Congressman who asked what I wanted in return. I submitted a request to him that I wanted anyone after celebrating their 55th birthday to be legally eligible to read and review their complete PERMANENT RECORD. It was attached to House Bill #666-R66- a bill dealing with primarily increasing exports of Washington apples and Idaho potatoes to the Orient and signed into law by President Obama last week.
I immediately took advantage of the situation. It went like this.
I was given the Lord of all Records private phone and fax machine numbers. I faxed over the authorization form before calling because I know how the game is played. I called and recorded the conversation.
“Yes, this is the Lord of Records. Harriet Havisham speaking.”
“Yes, this is Roberto Arturo Spudman44 calling. I am requesting time to both read and review my PERMANENT RECORD. I would also like a copy.”
“That is a very unusual request, sir. I do not think that is possible without prior authorization.”
“Hey, check your fax machine, lady. I'm waiting outside the building and am coming straight up. I have the right as a U. S citizen to see my PERMANENT RECORD. Let's make this easy and clean. I'm coming up right now.”
Frontal assault, baby. That is how you get things done in life.
I opened the door and was greeted by a quite comely woman in her mid-thirties, the height of her sexual yearning, I noted quickly.
“Are you Mr. Spudman44 by chance?" She said in a friendly near musical tone.
“Ah, that is Dr. Spudman44. I am here for my PERMANENT RECORD.
Out from behind the ceiling to floor file cabinets came a gray-haired hag pushing a cart with several volumes of papers in official looking three-ring binders. She wasn't moving too well and I guessed her to be well into her eighties. She was wearing a faded, dingy wedding dress which caused me some immediate concern. I sensed that she may not like men too much. I prepared myself to turn on my charm and dazzle her with my silver tongue.
“ Don't even start. Here you are. Sign the stub. You may read and review this PERMANENT RECORD. But you will damn well pay for the copies. She stormed off with a disgusted wave mumbling, "Ass-wipe", if I heard correctly.
I took off my leather jacket, hung it on the chair and with trembling hands opened the first volume.
Name: 44Spudman, Roberto A.
Official PERMANENT RECORD
Commendations and Awards ------ Admonishments, Suspicions, Rebukes
I was happy to see that in my first three grades I had few rebukes and several impressive commendations. I had been a good little chap. I took notes on my laptop.
Commendations: Perfect attendance-grade two. Winner of School Carnival Cakewalk Competition. Gold Star Award for Citizenship-Performance Award for Square Dancing at Parent Assembly—Acting Award for Moving Portrayal of Third Wise Man in Christmas Pageant. Four Reading Medals. These were several of the positives.
Rebukes: Refusal to Eat all of Hot Lunches—28 referrals and suspicions. One specific mention of making possibly fake barfing noises over being forced to eat lunch serving of stewed prunes. Three incidents of peeing pants and one of taking Cub Scout bandana and putting over head-Seven suspicions of cheating off others spelling tests. Excessive, aggressive play on playground, more than a dozen. Causing heated argument with claim that Duke Snider was much better than Mickey Mantle. Scream singing: Norman, Norman My Love.....in hallway. There was more but all in all, a kind of a mixed bag.
I flipped through and got to grades four through six--
Commendations: Basketball leader, football participant, baseball all three years- first team all-school. Perfect attendance fourth grade. Fastest multiplication facts contestant. Praise for ordering David McEvers to put his penis back in his pants while at the pencil sharpener in front of girls. Pulling out Robert Faling's tongue after he fell from top of slide, swallowed it and turned blue.(Made Tribune .)* Digging holes for new tree planting with jar of memories capsule underneath. Two good citizenship awards. Reward for staying awake during yearly viewing of the movies Heidi and the Wizard of Oz. One gold star for kindness. Leader in Mitch Miller Christmas sing-a-long.
Rebukes: Suspicion of starting school wide poll on who had better titties Betty or Veronica. Cheating on SRA reading program. Knocking over Gary Anderson's paramecium display before science fair. Flim-Flamming most of third grade out of steelies and prime marble shooters during pm recesses. Suspicions of writing with permanent ink on desk top—Principal Hunt Blows Donkeys. Stealing chocolate cake at cake walk. Excessive use of Butch-wax. Laughing and mocking Leon Radar's new Princeton haircut. Drawing Fiji Islanders on sixth grade teacher's blackboard at recess. Knocking out recess monitor Mrs. Gale Juniper with ice ball. Suspicion of giving out profane Valentine cards. Trading outfits with Jimmy Cranston during school day. Eating the chocolate off the top of Butterfingers. Suspicion of stealing pop bottles. Caught reading Mad Magazine and comics hidden inside basal reader- (68 reports.) Jesus, did they watch every little thing?
Seventh through ninth grades--
Commendations: Social Studies Map coloring, Memorization of Gettysburg Address, Doing perfect pushups in gym class-- (13 mentions) Several sports awards. Shop award for Metal Elephant Lamp of the Quarter.
Rebukes: Walking around with obvious boner (100+ complaints) Playing Beatles tune-Eight Days a Week excessively during break time. Slow dancing too closely-within one ruler length-12 times* (Banned from two after school dances for not adhering to this rule) Making Elvis-like hip swirls in hallway, Snapping Mandy Morganstine's bra strap. Warned repeatedly about excessive use of Jade and English Leather cologne. Caught peeking in girls locker room (9 times.) Making jokes about Kotex in mixed company. Using the word Scrotum in a non-scientific way. Dying pubic hairs purple and showing off in shower. Farting next to heating element. Sent to Principal Harvey Walker for hack for making public joke about Miss Peabody's cleavage. Crying in corner over lyrics from Dead Man's Curve. Laughing time and time again at the word Beaver. Suspicion of pinning up December Playmate of the month Centerfold in Wood-shop* ( may have cost two classmates lost fingers). Displaying middle finger in Fall Dance picture with Catholic girl friend. Mostly good clean fun it seemed. Nothing much to be concerned with. I grabbed another volume where my high school career was documented.
Commendations: All-State Baseball-'68,'69; Editor of Bengal's Purr '69; Award for Feature Article on Seat Belt Safety-'68; Letterman's Club '67,'68,'69. Homecoming Dance King '69.
Rebukes: Caught reading Catcher in the Rye instead of required text in freshman English. Smoking violations in parking lot (10). Suspicion of being under influence of controlled substance ( possibly marijuana) in Anatomy class. Making loud farting noises at school assembly. Suspicion of being involved in splicing obscene pornographic film into middle of reel of drug education film. Making water balloons out of condoms. Skipping class and stealing classmate's car and driving to Coeur d'Alene Lake. Walking around with obvious boner (300 times) . Spreading rumor about Old Man Asker having sex with new teacher Miss Brown. Dating Jennie Caportis with hopes of getting favorable calls on baseball diamond. (Miss Caportis was daughter of legendary umpire Scrappy Caportis). Yelling catcalls at talent show to Linda Heller's rendition of The Lion Sleeps Tonight. Bringing underground comics Yellow Dog and Mr. Natural to school. ( items confiscated '69) Causing Driver's Ed teacher to begin drinking again. Throwing stolen watermelons from high school gym roof onto roofs of cars. * (Police involvement.) Stealing from high school concession stand ( too numerous to quantify) Spinning basketball during national anthem *( six day suspension)
Ha! Just as I suspected! They have nothing. Nothing, I say,” as I slapped the last volume shut with satisfaction.
"Hi, I am done doing my beginning review. I would like copies of everything. Where would you like me to put these," I asked the gorgeous young clerk.
"Oh, just push the cart over here. Miss Havisham will return them after I make the copies. That will be $476."
"Yeah, Ass-wipe, how do you like them apples?" said Miss Havisham as she pushed the cart into the back of the massive file shelves. She glared at me and was gone at the speed of slug.
"Well, I don't have quite than much money," I said
"Well, Doctor, do you have enough to take a sweet girl like me out for a meal and some glasses of wine?"
"Now, now my dear aren't you afraid that hanging out with me will go on your PERMANENT RECORD?"I joked.
"Doctor, I just went through your adult PERMANENT RECORD and I was very impressed and intrigued. You seem to be have quite the touch with the ladies, " and she winked and pushed her full breasts toward me.
"Oh, my God, there is an adult PERMANENT RECORD?" Now, I was worried.
Yes, Vern! She just told me. Shit, I'm shocked too!