Los Angeles, California, USA
October 22
Charming young lady, with sharp tongue and vocabulary of a seasoned longshoreman, who carries in her handbag worn and tattered membership cards to the Mayflower Society and Daughters of the American Revolution, for which her dues are in arrears.


Iamsurly's Links

AUGUST 22, 2011 10:57AM

I'm a Bigot

Rate: 24 Flag

Yup. Yes sirree. I've got to own it. I'm a bigot. Sure, I can bet that because I own an antique Aunt Jemima cookie jar you're assuming I'm prejudiced against people of other races. Boy you sure are a narrow minded bunch of people, aren't you? Don't make me remind you that some of my best friends are "fill in the blank."

No. I can honestly say I don't much care what colour you are, what country you're from, or what gender you had sex with last. Nah, that's not the kind of stuff I bother with. I mean really, who am I to judge skin colour when I've spent my entire life basking in the sun trying to permanently darken the pigment of my skin? Who am I to judge you for being geographically challenged? Odds are I've applied for a visa to move to your country in the last 20 years.  You had sex recently? Was it good? Did you get off? Well, hell, lemme buy you a drink! Let's be clear. These are not my concerns, cares, or woes. Not. At. All.

No, my bigotry runs way deeper than your common run of the mill racism or xenophobia or homophobia. Way deeper. What I hate, and hate beyond all reason, is stupid. Plain old stupid. I'll admit it. Yes I will. "Hello, my name is Surly, and I'm a moronist."

That's right, you heard me, I'm a moronist. I hate morons. Not Mormons, although I have a good number of concerns about them, and some day we can talk about that. But, right now, I'm talking about morons: m-o-r-o-n-s. Hate 'em. Just can't take them. And this is a deep seated hatred going back decades.

Now I'm not talking about the kind of stupid you just can't help. No, not at all. Some times stupid can be endearing, almost charming. I've dated men for the simple fact that they are pretty and not all that bright. I'm also not talking about being intellectually challenged in some capacity. I don't hate on the less fortunate. So stop being such an accusatory asshole. I'm talking about "You should know better, but don't 'cause you choose not to straightout-down-home-dumb-ass-moronic behaviour." This is where my hate lies.

Like for example, back in 1984. Yeah, my hatred goes that far back. Back in the day I was working at Walt Disney World - a mecca for morons - and in the shop I worked in we had this storage closet where we would write in Sharpie on the wall all the moronic phrases that people would utter. Classics I recall to this day include: "Where do you get the rat ear hats?" and "What time is the Three O'clock Parade?" Really? Did you just ask that? Seriously? Pause. Rewind. Repeat. Yeah. You did.


The world has not vastly improved in the nearly 30 years since my indentured servitude at the Kingdom. All one needs do is look at world politics.  Have you seen the country I come from? Rick Perry anyone? Snookie? Paula Abdul? Need I say more? Christ All Mighty, you don't need to have a decent grasp of American history to make a run for office or to be taken seriously by the masses. All you need for verification is to take one look at the Tea Party hopefuls for 2012.

But it's not just politics, which has always been a haven for the under educated. No. Why would we all wait patiently each year for the list of Darwin Award winners if we weren't all secret moronists? We crave the next instalment of "Who Was Stupid Enough To Do "X"?" It's why news outlets like TMZ and The Star thrive. It explains the success of The Jersey Shore. We like visiting the zoo. We liked to see morons in captivity. We feel safer, and superior, when we know where to find these people. If we could make them all wear scarlet "M"s to identify them as separate and distinct from the regular folk, we totally would. Damn do-gooders are always getting in our way with their "Love thy fellow man" shit. Fine then, you love them. You take responsibility for them, and let the rest of us live in moron-free peace. I'll donate to your cause if you promise to keep them in captivity. Like monkeys in the zoo or John Travolta in The Boy in the Plastic Bubble.

If video does not appear click here.

Ah... don't we all feel better for having taken the time to review that little trip down memory lane? I know I do. People just don't give Glynnis O'Connor enough credit. Anyone remember the movie where she played the woman whose mouth was put back together with vaginal tissue? Okay... I'm digressing... sorry about that.

Back to hating on morons. Safer territory. Yeah. So, shoot me. I'm a bigot. I hate the idiot in front of me in traffic who, despite no access to the nuclear football or the fate of the free world, has stopped in the middle of the traffic lane to respond to a text so crucial to our survival that we all must wait for her to hit "SEND". I also hate the person at Ralph's who can't read the sign that clearly states, in several languages "EXPRESSS LINE 15 ITEMS OR LESS."

I hate them. Each and every one of them. They are stupid. They are annoying. They are morons. And I'm proud to admit it. Join me. Trust me. There's no shame in admitting you're a moronist. Not one single bit. No.

Stand proud. Be counted. Like me.

Your tags:


Enter the amount, and click "Tip" to submit!
Recipient's email address:
Personal message (optional):

Your email address:


Type your comment below:
Count me in. I know those texters who would save the world...to them I say, "How's that working out for ya?"
I am so glad I never watched that stupid movie.
Bill Engvall has made a careeer hating on this type of morons, and I think you should be next. It's great to laugh on a Monday morning, thanks!
Please go and read Koshersalaami's post today about gently and reasonably reasoning with morons, and take a lesson from it.

Better yet, he should come here and get converted!
Do I get a kickback for starting a chapter, here thousands of miles away?

TMZ is my favorite show.
TMZ is my favorite show.
You would have a field day, down here in Florida! Morons all over the place!
once, many years ago, during a family discussion, i blurted out with my superb english diction "i am not a maroon!!!", my wife and my young, then, son and daughter, struggled to contain their laughter afraid of punishment of some form; to this day it is the foremost item for uncontrollable laughter when they recall some of my mis-pronunciations, however we do not collectively recall what was the reason for the outburst

i am certainly not a "maroon" for them, but......?
Gotta love those mor**s who double-comment. Yeah, clickin' the "post this comment" button AGAIN after a delay will result in a single comment. Sheesh.


Oh, I'm not alone?! Really?! Thank you!
"Here's your sign; why can't they get the picture? Why don't they understand?"

TV has literally become more of an "idiot box" than ever; the corporations are trying to keep everyone as dumb as possible so they can manipulate them easier.

BTW The boy in the plastic bubble was the last good thing Travolta did; unless you count a Civil Action which was good except for the bad acting by, uh, well, er Travolta.
Wait, you never did tell us what time the three o'clock show is.
I'm so glad you gave it a name! Nature gave us an amazing brain capable of amazing things. I can't stand people who refuse to use the ones they were issued.

This is great. But when's the train?
A cathartic read. It reminded me of when I was nine years old and stayed with my Mormon grandparents during the summer. When I got home to my parents, I told them, "I don't want to be a MORON!" It's confusing, all of it.
When you write a post like this, you need to very carefully check your grammar and punctuation. You didn't. Try again.
When writing a post like this, you would do well to check your grammar and punctuation. Try again .
I see Japan has its own chapter. Let me take care of Benelux.
God, I really HATE stupid people. Especially the willfully stupid.
You are my kind of Bigot!
I live in SF and we got our fair share, especially with the Mayoral Campaign heatin' up...
It will never cease to amaze me what people will do in the name of 'The Lord'...I"m talkin Parry here... I vote him for the Darwin Awards!
Ananda mentioned you, having apparently found me through Myriad's comment here, so I figured I'd check you out. Moronist. I like the term. Very "What color was George Washington's white horse?" Very Mad Magazine's Snappy Answers To Stupid Questions (train says "Altoona" on the side of it, Moron asks "Can I take this train to Altoona?", normal human answers "That's not necessary, it's going there anyway.")

The only difference between you and someone who claims not to be a Moronist is that you're MoreHonest.

If we're defining morons not as people of limited intelligence but as people who don't bother using the intelligence they have, I observed on a recent post (my last one as opposed to my current post, the current post being about a famous moron) that morons (as you define them as opposed to the classic definition) can sometimes be converted from moronhood, at least on specific issues. Some morons are morons because they haven't looked closely enough at some issues to think that their views warrant questioning, not having tripped across a reason to. On some issues with some people, the right look is enough, along with some fairly careful persuasion. The point of my post was that converting morons is politically worth our while because the alternative is too expensive.

Yes, I feel the impulse to bash pretty often, but deprogramming them is ultimately more satisfying. Unfortunately, deprogramming is nearly impossible if you make your target feel like a moron.

So, if you want to become a Professional Moron Deprogrammer, you have to hire your Moronists of America membership card. Have you gotten around to charging for those yet? You'd probably end up rich.
If you're a moronist (and I am BIG TIME) don't come to Philadelphia. This place is a moron steambath. I've never seen a bigger pool of voluntarily ignorant, nauseatingly stupid, trashy, fight-over-anything dingbats in my life. I haven't seen it yet, but somewhere in this city there's a three year old with a butt in his mouth, a neck tattoo, and walking around holding a plastic quart of iced tea.

Ever see 'Idiocracy'? You will if you come here.