Los Angeles, California, USA
October 22
Charming young lady, with sharp tongue and vocabulary of a seasoned longshoreman, who carries in her handbag worn and tattered membership cards to the Mayflower Society and Daughters of the American Revolution, for which her dues are in arrears.


Iamsurly's Links

APRIL 2, 2011 9:08PM

Bush Whacking With A Twat Trimmer

Rate: 34 Flag

To paraphrase Andrew Dice Clay, if I may. "Surly, Surly quite contrary trim that pussy it's so damn hairy!" If you're a long time reader, you know I'm not one to shy away from the awkward conversations. If you're new, well, you're about to learn this little lesson. If you're uncertain, turn back now.

Since I've taken up the noble sport of cycling, I've become incredibly twat-centric. It's hard not to when you're spending hours astride a tiny saddle working on finding your maximum pain threshold. Now don't get me wrong, I like cycling. I'm having a blast whizzing around on my bike. Except for the fact that after 3 or 4 hours on a ride I can no longer feel the more crucial parts of my nethers, and the rest of them are screaming for mercy.

I'm doing all I can to alleviate the pain. I wear those fancy shorts with the padded crotches that look like I'm wearing adult diapers. (My husband Dave likes to grab my ass and ask if I'm "carrying a load". Yeah, he's mature.) I even spend a good part of the morning before my ride slathering up my hoo-ha and hoo-ha adjacent body parts with anti-diaper rash cream for athletes. Yeah, I know, I'm living the dream. I'll bask in your envy later.

It was suggested by one of my readers that I ought to add pubic hair removal to the equation. Well sure, that makes sense. Only there's a bit of a hitch in that plan. I don't wax. At least not any more. I used to be a big fan of the Playboy wax, but there were permanently scarring complications and that option got nixed from the list. I don't like shaving my crotch 'cause it itches like a mother when the hair starts growing back. Mind you, if I ever eat the worm in a bottle of Mescal it's possible I'd be willing to let Ouchy The Clown shave me. Since it seems that you're not allowed to get Nair all up in your business without running the risk of a chemical burn, depilatories are kind of out of the question too. Not to mention they smell funky, and no self-respecting woman wants to run the risk of getting funky crotch stench. So? What's a girl to do?

Enter the at-home Twat Trimmer! Okay, so that's not what they call it, but damn, they really should. I saw this advert for this handy little tool the other day and thought I'd give it a whirl. While it won't get all the hair off like waxing or shaving, it does whack the weeds. So off to Target I went to pick me up one of these handy little numbers and got busy trimming the hedges. I gotta admit, I was a wee bit leery of aiming a battery operated razor at my crotch, but I pushed through the Edward Scissorhands flashbacks and got to work.

Image courtesy of Betty Beauty

The tool worked quite well, I will admit. However, the advert sort of implies that you can easy trim your bush into a myriad of easy shapes. This is not true. Well, at least for me. As far as I can tell you need to be about as limber as a Cirque du Soleil acrobat to accomplish this feat without the help of a trained assistant and a stencil, or at least a trim by numbers kit. I wonder if I could get someone to design a "Eat at Surly's" stencil?

Yes, I just said that.

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I think I need one of these
Thanks for the review
rated with love
Does it work on moustaches too?
You are a never ending source of information.
You need an accomplice with two fine combs and a couple of mirrors. Hell, let Dave take a whack at it.
(Pun intended)
Twat trimming is always a, uh, sensitive subject. It's nice to know others share my confusion.
whats next? vajazzling?
cant wait.
Let your man shave you! Its SOOOO HOT. :)
Instead of "Eat at Surly's", I wonder if you could just shave a downward pointing arrow? How hard could that be?
I asked my cousin (the ironman) what happens to the privates after a century or so on a bike with no seat (I mean really, you can't call that tiny, hard thing a seat or a saddle) and he never answered me. Must be ugly.
Once again OS provides a learning environment, especially for the follically impaired.
I am no longer living. My best friend told me the other day that nothing smells worse than pussy and nylon....referring to nylon crotches...

So this is just funk on the cake! I am done.

Zumapick for word that there are padded crotch pants. I want those and I don't even own a bike.
I already Twatted you my thoughts on this device...whack away
What LadyMiko said.
I love twat in a title as much as the next person, it turns out.
I vajazzelled once... Meh!
You seen one butterfly crystal encrusted vagina ...
Need I say more?
You might look into http://www.jimlangley.net/crank/bicycleseats.html for something else in a bike seat. This is not spam, I merely glanced at Google to see the possibilities.
You never seem to run out of material.
Ok, I see that, and raise you this - Do you shave your legs and fem-scape before your see your gynecologist? Just as a courtesy, y'know?
You ever consider writing a twat book? You have the material. I can smell a bestseller in it for you.
Yep, if you want a fuzzy patch design you have to get someone to do it for you.
What an sophisticated instrument.
One might even say cutting edge.
Mmmmmm.....This way to paradise....any photos?
Looks like there may be a photo missing up there, I was hoping to see your new plaything... THE RAZOR you pervs!

Scars with waxing? Was Ouchy the Clown responsible? I can't even imagine... scars?? woh.
Do you realize what you have done? You've invented the internet's latest and greatest thing............."Twatter"!
TMI...you're becoming the Yoko Ono of OS!
As always, I learn so much here on OS, and particularly on your blog, surly . . .
Great post. ;) FYI I did laser hair removal and it worked wonders.
Don't know what you're using, but Chamois Butt'r is the greatest stuff!

Someone posting on the women's cycling group at Yahoo was raving about Brazilians and cycling - all I could imagine was an entire crotch covered with in-grown hairs...

Your sisters in cycling feel your pain Surly :)