Los Angeles, California, USA
October 22
Charming young lady, with sharp tongue and vocabulary of a seasoned longshoreman, who carries in her handbag worn and tattered membership cards to the Mayflower Society and Daughters of the American Revolution, for which her dues are in arrears.


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AUGUST 21, 2009 1:35AM

He Loves My Hairy Whole

Rate: 67 Flag

When I was about nine my cousin Mary taught me how to shave my legs.  She was very clear about the fact that you only needed to shave the front of your legs, because no one was going to see the hair on the back.  Our mothers had a good old laugh over their wine spritzers as we paraded about with our grown-up freshly shaved shins.  This was the first of the very hard lessons in feminine hygiene and body hair maintenance that I was to learn over the years.

When I was in ninth grade I transferred from an all-girl school where we had to wear pretty pastel uniforms to a public junior high school where I really went wild.  I wore crazy outfits including a skirt made out of the same silver material as a safety blanket. I also went boy crazy and "went with" a number of barely pubescent boys.  One night at a "get together" (read make-out party) I was on the beach necking with my then steady, Jerry, when I suggested that maybe he should shave his barely there mustache.  To wit he responded "I'll shave mine as soon as you shave yours!"  And so commenced my foray into facial hair bleach and depilatories.

As I said, I was, for 1980, pretty damn cutting edge and willing to take some serious fashion risks. The summer after my ninth grade year I spent at the beach with my beau, Jim, and sported a number of questionably fashionable bathing suits.  Including a variation of the Elon suit Cheryl Tiegs wore in Sports Illustrated - only in mine, you couldn't see my nipples.


Cheryl Tiegs, ©Sports Illustrated, 1978
I loved the swimsuit and remember strolling onto the beach wearing it with what can only be described as a "take that bitches!" expression on my face.  I sauntered up to my beau and his brother, John, who were waxing their surfboards and getting ready to hit the waves.  It was John who spoke first, with more than a slight snicker in his tone. "Shit!  You're hairier than a fucking gorilla!"  You see, no one had bothered to mention to me that women, and  burgeoning hot beach babes in particular, were supposed to shave their bikini line. Greetings were then said to razor rash, ingrown pubic hairs, and Nair.
When I went to college in Europe I was introduced to waxing.  I had a hard time diving in full bore to the idea of having someone pour hot wax on my legs only to have it yanked back off with small parts of my personage attached to it, but I figured I would give it a shot.  If the likes of Princess Stephanie could do it, so too, could I.  For the first few years I was only getting my legs waxed and reveled at the fact that once waxed I could pretty much go for a month without having to worry about leg hair.  This is bliss when you're inherently lazy.  Eventually I sucked it up and started getting my armpits and upper lip waxed as well. Bizarrely enough, I got so used to it over the years that I actually managed to nap on the table during some of the procedures.  However, I always drew the line at my bikini line.  Partly because it seemed weird to have an unattractive Eastern European woman fumbling around in my nether regions, partly because I lived in a cold climate and wasn't wearing bathing suits all that often, and partly because I wasn't dating and no one was going to see.
At some point in my late twenties I finally decided to give it a go.  In the beginning I went with a strictly basic bikini wax, just taking off the hair that would show outside of my knickers.  Over the years I got a bit more daring and worked my way up to the Pseudo Playboy - which removes most, but not all, of the hair.  Eventually I sucked it up and went all the way with a full Playboy wax.  And let me tell ya - it hurt like a bitch and left me looking like an out of work porn star.  You don't know pain and humiliation until you've been on all fours with a woman slathering hot wax in your crack and trying to make small talk about your life as she rips every last hair out of your ass.
 Oddly enough, I kept going back.  Despite the pain and degradation, I liked being hair free - and my husband didn't mind it either.  However, for me, there was still yet another hairy hygiene lesson to be learned.  Isn't there always?
The place where I went for my bikini waxes is a very popular venue for such beauty treatments and there is a strong celebrity clientele.  Lots of famous film stars and twice as many porn stars are regularly on the table laying spread eagle or hunched on all fours getting their grooming done.  It was not until I was diagnosed with herpes that it dawned upon me that the dominatrix of hot wax had not, to my recollection, worn latex gloves during any of my torture sessions.  I was always so sidetracked by the hot wax being poured on my crotch and the hairs being ripped from their follicles to register this rather glaring disregard for hygiene common sense!  Lemme just go on record, again, as saying that I'm pretty sure my herpes belong to a porn star, and I think I'm good in saying that I'm at Ron Jeremy Factor 1. (I'm also at Kevin Bacon Factor 1 for those of you who are keeping score.)
Flicker® Classic
Since my diagnosis eight years ago, I've given up my waxing fetish and gone back to the old school Flicker razor and shaving cream and let my pubic hair grow back.  And while I do shave my bikini line, I tend to get a bit lax during the winter months.  I'm just lucky that my husband loves me, herpes, hair and all.

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Let me just say ladies... Latex is your friend.
Hairs what turns me on - Hair Nets, preferably worn by middle-aged cafeteria ladies with mature mustaches and matching sideburns.
I think that "herpes, hair and all!" should be a t-shirt. And one worn proudly.
littlewillie - Sometimes I swear we're soul mates.
This is so funny. Never done the full wax, but have experienced the gorilla effect about the same time you did in my er, development.
Best herpes story ever.
Smiling... that's just plain good old American fun.

I am sorry about the herpes... but it sounds like you're in good hands.
love the video - very funny
Try hypo-thyroidism - it's a great dipilation.
Party due to our sexual proclivities, and partly cuz I'm an uber vain bitch, both Amy and I did the Full Lazer thing. No more waxing, razors or Nair (ugh). Amy did the face as well (Italian heritage), but I skipped that part (true blonde with naturally curly hair *Preen*). It was the BEST thing we've ever done!

P.S. Glad plastic wrap is also your friend, ladies. Play safely. ;)
I've also gone the laser route and while not a pleasant experience, it has saved me hours of shaving. My 13 yr old is dying to shave her legs (she doesn't need to yet) and I keep telling her to hold off (I think I'll save the full Playboy for a later conversation--much later)
I used to go and get all that stuff done too, not for the "look", but just so those areas would be looked "at". Even if it was some mean Eastern European woman. The next man I got involved with like the natural look. I four lbs.
While I appreciate the asthetic of the Brazilian, I can't imagine having a stranger pour gorilla glue on my crotch and ripping not only the hair but skin as well while in a room full of people. I don't mind hair, I do prefer it to be trimmed. There's nothing quite like getting intimate with someone and finding out that one must be equipped for a full jungle safari complete with machete to complete the act. Again with the nipples?
The herpes thing is bad. That you have a husband who loves you despite that is terrific. Now I can't wait for your next post which can only be about your colonscopy because that's the only other story worth reading about. rated.
Rated for nipples.

I . . . I don't know what to say . . . um, yeah.
Just wondering how you know who you shared the waxing table with...do they have autographed celebrity portraits on the wall like they do at restaurants?
ouch. f***. ouch.

Two feelings were going on within me as I watched the video. On one hand, I couldn't help but giggle because it was funny. On the other hand, I'm thinking how stupid women can be...to go through that kind of pain and humiliation to remove what is supposed to be there. Now, after saying that, I also like to look "neat" and trimmed....but I guarantee there are ways without waxing.....and I can do it without an audience!
I wax and wane, but never WAX. I can't even imagine it. ::shudder::

They still MAKE Flicker?
Fun post to read. I feel like a voyeur.
lol.. im gonna sue her ..
Thanks for the info. I worked at Playboy for 8 years and never knew about the Playboy wax, but then I was in the boring editorial department.

“You don't know pain and humiliation until you've been on all fours with a woman slathering hot wax in your crack and trying to make small talk about your life as she rips every last hair out of your ass.”

You got that right!
I would be a whole lot more than “surly” after that experience.
I can't imagine waxing. When I was young it would have been considered barbaric. However, it is sexy for your husband to give you a trim.
my favorite was the woman doing a Lamaze breathing exercise.
I hope, should I ever fall in love, that I am never asked to get a wax job done down THERE. A friend of mine was bruised after she got a wax job done for her groom as a wedding present. I say, "Love the hair or leave the woman."
You can get HERPES?! Damn. I am never getting waxed. F that.
I am losing weight for the SOLE purpose of reducing the sheer square footage of hair that must be harvested on a near-daily basis.
That’s a pretty funny video. I’m surprised their shouts were so PG-13. And jeeze, what a bummer about the Ron Jeremy herpes! Brave (and verrra funny) post.
You ladies have always gotten the raw end of the deal. Shaving down there - ewwww! And hot wax seems like some evil Satanic ritual!
Is that also where you got "crabbed"?

Rated. ;)
"Partly because it seemed weird to have an unattractive Eastern European woman fumbling around in my nether regions."

Here I thought that was the fun part.

Thanks for making me glad to be a man - yet again.
Did you really get herpes from waxing?
You don't have to answer that ;)
From a man's point of view.

If you shave off the hair, you look like a 12 year old. Why would a 12 year old turn me on or make me what to do anything down there.

Now if your bush is a forest you can do some selective logging, but leave the woods. You never know what little animal will find a home in there.
I'm so glad to be a guy.
You sure the herpes came form the waxing?
I've only done a bikini wax - and while I've cringed a little at what seems not so sanitary - there really isn't much skin to skin contact with the waxer. Unless your lady is doing it different....
Where I've gone they use a sick to smear the wax on and then put a clothe on pull up the hair. There may be a little uh pulling to smooth out the skin but not on the delicate parts more on the thigh.
You might not want to think about it but it might be from your husband. He may just never have had a serious outbreak and wasn't aware that he carried the virus. Also, quite possible is that he had a cold sore that he wasn't aware of and passed it to you genitally. Used to be conventional wisdom that the viruses 1 - associated with oral and 2 associated with genital herpes - would not jump the line if you will. But that is no longer true. My gyno joked that they call genital outbreaks of herpes 1 'married herpes'.
If you haven't guessed yet, I bring this up from painful personal experience.
Why it matters: if he did expose you he may not be aware and he should be on the lookout if he has any recurrent breakouts so they can be controlled and most expecially so you don't flare eachother up. If he doens't recall having a coldsore or is not sure a blood test can determine if he has the virus.
Another reason it could matter is simply emotional: he trusts that you got it from the waxing but may have a little doubt in the back of his mind as to the truth. I went through this (thinking intially I must have had a dormant case that flared up but we couldn't figure out why. When we figureed it out - we understood that he like many (otherwise very intelligent and very informed) people had had a cold sore but didn't associate it with the herpes virus and certainly had no idea it could be passed on as genital herpes. And not after we had been together for years without it happening then all of a sudden - seemingly out of nowhere....
(There is also the slim but real posibility you have been carrying the virus and never noticed - either never had a serious outbreak or thought it was something else but for some reason this waxing unlike others helped to trigger a bigger outbreak.)
It is a mysterious and strange virus. Knowledge can help mitigate that just a bit. I am sharing at the risk of TMI in hopes this might help you or others.
And by the way - the story either way is very well told and humorous.
One word: Epilator. I got one (Braun Silk Epil) about 10 years ago for about $50 and began using it to rip the hair off my legs. It's like a weed whacker for body hair. It only really hurts the first time and/or if you let too much hair grow back inbetween. If you do touch ups every week or so, it's easy. And over time, your hair stops growing back -- my legs are now bare. You do it at home, yourself, and it's dead cheap.
Herpes is rotten, no matter how you get it. And thank you for teaching me what a Playboy waxing is, I'd never heard of it. Ugh. I'm glad winter is coming so I no longer have to worry about my bikini line!
I went for the full monty once, and Dh HATED it and yeah it hurt like a SOB. I understand that many women do it and more power to them. I just keep mine neat and wax my rear, :)

I still do the full Brazilian wax (which I have shared with my fellow OSers). Never had a problem. Just like at the doctor's office, my dominatrix changes a roll of paper on the table so no one ever lies on the same surface as anyone else. I can't imagine how one could get herpes from a bikini wax, frankly.

And I don't really find it painful. I've fallen asleep many times. Sometimes, it's the most relaxing part of the day.

I love how it feels, I like how it looks, and I like not having to shave all the time.
Wow! Whodathunk y'all would be so fascinated with my groomin' :)

The Wanderer - Damn straight.
AnniThyme- I'm thinkin' the lettering should be bedazzled, no?
emma peel - Perhaps we should for am Former Gorilla Girls band?
tequilaanddonuts - Thank you for the title suggestion!
Jay Busse - Waxing as a national past time?
The BarkingLot4 - I envy you. Personally I still spend so much on tampons I think they should subsidized by the government. Damn it - does that make me a socialist?
Mad Mother - They suspected I had that when my eyebrows started falling out. But since I'm still trimming the hedge, it's unlikely.
Safe_Bet - are you emailing Martha Stewart with the Good Things tip or am I?
Athena - I've thought about the lasers but I'm a wee bit wary of firing Star Trek weapons at my sacred spot!
Bobbot - it's theme week for me.
O'Really - au naturel eh?
JK - I'm rather fond of him. Not to mention he doesn't mind me tellin' the whole world his bizness ;)
OESheepdog - I've not yet given in to my doctor's recommendation that I have that done. I had a barium enema once years ago, and that was traumatic enough.
Duaneart - I'm here for ya.
Owl_Says_Who - um... yeah.
mamoore - Yes, yes they do. They are also on TV from time to time, usually around Valentine's day talking about the romance of the thing and tossing around the odd Hollywood starlet's name.
femme forte - PRECISELY!
patricia k - yeah, the audience thing takes a bit of getting used to. And trust me, I'm not really an exhibitionist.
deepcleav.31 - I've always thought you've got to have a lot of courage to do it for a living. I can't imagine it is always a pretty job.
Kind of Blue - I do know that David Beckham gets a "Back, Sack, and Crack" wax regularly. So, ya know, you have options.
Kathy Riordan and Rickety Six - I did find a website where you can still order them. Not sure if they are new or they found them in a warehouse that was abandoned in 1978.
Elise Weiner - That's part of the fun ;)
white and black - ha!
John Blumenthal - So, um, you were working on the articles that all the boys like to read?
Spin Doctor - it certainly hasn't helped my cheery disposition.
Redstocking Grandma - It still is ;)
nofrillsmonkey - they were all pretty priceless - especially the girl they were translating for.
Delia - I've had the odd bruise as well... this isn't a delicate procedure.
Just Juli - F That is right!
cruel wench - now that is a worthy weightloss goal.
David Decker - Thank you!
ibeg2df - shaving the whole pubic region, I think, is even worse. Every time I've tried it - it itches like a mother fucker when it grows back.
WriterVixen - nope, actually that happened in high school - which was the first time I shaved!
Cap'n - We too are grateful you are a man. I so don't think you could pull off an A-line skirt and 4 inch heels.
icemilkcoffee - Yup, I fully believe that's where it came from.
Catnlion - that's a valid point you make. It's actually more about the sense of being hairless and the comfort that involves than the look - or at least is was for me. I got to like the "clean" feeling.
zumalicious - You sound like Kim from the Real Housewives of Atlanta in my head when I read that ;)
Steve Blevins - yes, yes you are.
Silkstone - I tried one of those once, I felt like I was putting my leg in a weed whacker. I also tried that sugaring stuff - Nads - that they used to sell on late night TV - it didn't really work and the jar managed to attract so many ants I had to fumigate for weeks.
sweetfeet - I'm with ya sister.
Lady Miko - actually not waxing the rear is the thing I miss the most. But I'm afraid of causing a flare-up by doing it... so I go without :(
Celia - Yup, I'm pretty damn sure. We did the due diligence and check with past partners, and couldn't find any connections. I did a lot of research and hunting down of who to blame and whose ass to kick when I first found out. And after a lot of research, this is pretty much all we were left with.

Dana - In the case of the place I went there's a lot more hands on than perhaps in other places. The paper was changed each time. However, there was powdering and lotion applied before and after by hand, without latex gloves. And while washing your hands is helpful, it doesn't actually guarantee that you're not going to share the virus with someone else - unless you really scrub up like a surgeon - and my waxer was not. The reality is that in this day and age if you're going to be putting your hands in multiple people's crotches every day latex gloves should be used - for your own safety if not for theirs. If my gyno does it, my esthetician should to, at least that's what I think.

That's my story and I'm stickin' to it!
Mean boy who said that to you. Can't believe the wax tech didn't wear gloves! what was she thinking?

I guess I am "lucky" to be almost hairless in this way but when I do grow a hair it's sure to be a dumbass and get stuck or somehow screwed up before reaching the light of day.
I haven't been able to read all the comments, but lemme tell ya, the acquisition of herpes doesn't have a thing to do with latex gloves.

it has to do with double-dipping, which is against the law in New York State, and I'll betcha if you look at CA law, it's the same.

here's the deal:

your waxer is SUPPOSED to use a fresh stick (or tongue depressor) for each and every dip into the wax. Not one per person, but a new one every time she goes to lay another strip of pain on your nether regions. you see, the wax, while scalding hot, is NOT hot enough to be sanitary and kill the germs that bring you gifts like herpes and other joyous STDs. you'd burn the flesh off your cootch if it was that hot.

I'm a HUUUGE fan of the Brazilian wax, but have never seen this done anywhere I've gone. I stopped going when I got a general nether infection. next time I go (and I will, despite this appalling knowledge), I'm gonna hit the J Sisters, probably the most famous purveyors of the Brazilian wax in the US. my guess is that they'll do it right. plus, folks have told me they stick to the rules.

it hurts like a mofo, but gawd, I love the results!

p.s. I'm so sorry you ended up with a case of the H. :(
Bees Tone - HOT DAMN! That never even occurred to me! It makes incredible sense though now that you spell it out!

Danni - You're lucky to not have that much hair! My sister had a huge problem with crazy growing hairs. She had one once that was so ingrown that it was, I swear, over a foot long when she finally got it yanked out!
YEESH! Stop it you're giving visions of horror!
Isn't there a way to permanently stop hair growth to a specified area? I would love to do that
Yes. It's called laser. I keep toying with doing that, but never get around to it.
It sucks that the current hairless standard of beauty for women is what it is. We are all conditioned to social standards, including me, so I'm not talking down to anyone here, or at least I'm trying not to. When women tell me that they go through all the pain, trouble, etc. of shaving/waxing, etc. for their own pleasure and not for the pleasure of others, I have no reason to doubt it. But still, it seems to me that that the reason "nubilization" makes most women feel good has, in most cases, at least something to do with conforming to society's arbitrary standards of feminine beauty.

When I see a woman who doesn't remove her body hair, it's far from a turn-off. It's not some fetishistic turn-on, either. It IS attractive, though, in that it tells me this woman has probably given thought to those arbitrary social standards and said "not for me."
I just won't do it. I refuse. I shave a little here and there but that is IT. No one is ever ripping the hair off of my nether regions. EVER!
I love the "stroll down memory lane" feel of your hairstory. I think we all have a hairstory to tell.

Because somehow hair becomes indicative of something else. Sometimes it means something to us and sometimes it doesn't, depending on where we are in our lives.

I remember a time when I didn't shave at all. For several years. I kinda miss those days - life was easier. I just said fuck it.
I have two words for you: "Ouch" and "laser". In that order. No more constant gardening for me.
Funny videos about "trimming the bushes" and "mowing the lawn" from Schick: http://open.salon.com/blog/writervixen/2009/08/20/random_amusings_trimming_the_bushes
By the way, great title for this piece.

Could you imagine this subject in the hands of the late lamented Dr. Amy? She would have swung for the fences: "I Got Herpes From My Ass-Waxing!"
Whoa! I had never thought of getting an STD at a waxing place. The place I go to they use gloves but they do dip the same stick back into the festering tub of bacteria ridden wax. Home waxing for me from now on! Thank you for sharing and I am so sorry for your pain. Did you sue the salon?
Omigod. Priceless video. Using my own razor....
Thanks for the video. Amusing and cute.
Nothing in porn is a bigger turn-off than all the boring hairlessness. Guys who get turned on by such should have to register as child molesters.
All hairless pudenda look alike. Au naturel, in its near-infinite variety of shape and feel is the only way to go. Hooray for cornsilk, hooray for brillo, hooray for everything in between!
And hooray for you.
I will get my eyebrows waxed upon occasions. That's enough pain for me.
I never had the nerve to do much with wax, and find the idea of being completely bereft of hair down there vaguely creepy (it just seems to me to have an air of Eau de Pedophilia about it). But I have my wonderful Russian friend, who is an aesthetician (and neither mean nor unattractive) treat me with Lumicell (I believe its called) pulsed light, which gets rid of all the excess perfectly and painlessly, and then trimming does the rest. And I don't even have anyone to appreciate the results anymore. But hey, it keeps one feeling womanly. Well, this one, anyway. This is a useful warning, Surly--thanks.
Hmm. I think I'll go have my balls waxed by an Estern European gestapo lady and have her walk on them for a quick massage while she's at it. Or perhaps I'll try shaving them with a straight razor for fun.

Jesus H Christ, all that effort you went through sounds painful. And the herpes? How'd you keep yourself from burning the friggin place down?

Man, this shit makes me glad I'm a man. At least the hairy crotch is hidden most times.
I am so sorry (and a little scared) that you got herpes from an unclean - what? Hand, reused wax, or instrument?? It's not clear to me, but scary nonetheless since I do so love my bikini wax. Come to think of it, my "girl" also does not wear gloves... also watched that video which, for some reason I myself cannot fathom, is adorable and sweet. Why watching the expression on womens' faces when they get their pubic hair ripped out by the roots would be "sweet" is one of those mysteries of the universe.
Well, I have never gotten a wax, but that sounds horrific. I have always wondered how any human could put him/herself through that pain. And herpes to boot? Ugh. I have to say that I have never heard of this as a way to catch herpes.

Unlike most of the men here, I have shaved my, uh, you know...I had a girlfriend that liked it. She shaved so I figured fair is fair. But, god, does it itch when it grows out!
I've heard of the horrors of disease associated with manicure salons, but never the horrors of waxing! Quite informational.
that was fantastic!
i'm 30.
i'm married.
i have a 3 year old son and also work full-time.
if i pluck my eyebrows and shave up to my knees, it's an event.
I have stopped doing Brazilian bikini waxes. Too expensive and it kind of gave me the creeps to look like a pre-pubescent again. Yours is a spa horror story and one that definitely will keep me from having one again.
Excuse me while I remove these hairs from between my teeth...
I appreciate the humor and honesty with which you explore the goopy, hairy mess that is trying (and always failing somehow) to be an attractive female.
Enjoyed this. Thank you. Rated.