Although I knew this was going to happen, I am still crying with a sadness that only the death of a loved one can cause. Alex, the 22 year old girl I've been writing about here at OpenSalon, has died. I don't know the details yet, whether it was last night or early this morning....but the details don't matter. Alex is dead.
 
Even though she is better off now since she is no longer suffering or dying, I still can't help but question, wonder or ponder why she had to die at such a young age. I am sad for her because her early death robbed her from the joys and fun of living a full life. I am  sad for her Dad and for her brother because of their loss and who will continue to suffer for a long time. Lastly, I am sad for my selfish self simply because I will miss seeing her around at the pool, in the neighborhood or where ever else I might have run into her.
 
Alex, God bless you and may your soul rest in peace.  You are loved and will be missed!
 
Below is a copy of my very first post here at OpenSalon. It was an answer to an open call. I am now dedicating this piece to Alex.
 
                                

                            A Brush With Many Deaths

Death and I are enemies simply because I fear it.

My Roman Catholic faith says I should embrace death and meet it with joyful open arms. After all, death is the gate to ever lasting life. It is through Jesus' death, that we can obtain heaven. If my faith was stronger, perhaps I would not be afraid. I pray, attend Mass, receive sacraments and "talk" to God.

Not only do I fear death, I loathe its existence.

The only brush of death I have experienced so far is the loss of loved ones....the most memorable deaths.... the ones of my beloved Grandparents. To this day I am able to experience the sadness and deep emotional pain I experienced when they died. My heart and eyes fill with tears when I think of them. I miss them, I long for them. When they died, I experienced a brush with death, for a part of me died with them.

But isn't that true with any death of someone we know, befriend or love? With a death, a sliver of our own life is buried with that person....the sliver of experience with it's special scents, joys and sweetness.

At times I have found myself bargaining with God so  I would no longer fear death. If only a loved one who had passed on would appear, to tell me what heaven's all about. Perhaps then,  I would stop being scared. Perhaps then I would welcome death or at least not fearfully loathe it.

 So far, no loved one of mine has spoken to me or even whispered words of encouragement. Although I do recall a month or so of not being afraid of death after my Grandma died. As a matter of fact, the fear was replaced with a sense of peace. Could that have been Grandma speaking?

As I age and continue to pass through various stages  in life, I can't help but look back realizing that life is filled with "mini" deaths and losses from conception on. The most obvious are the deaths of our loved ones, loss of jobs and loss of health. Not so obvious are the more subtle deaths/losses....a child leaves the home to get married, painful divorces and not so painful divorces, moving from one home to another, leaving college life to enter the workplace, leaving the the innocence of childhood to become a teen filled with  peer pressure, becoming a victim of rape, entering menopause knowing you will bear no more children and other mini deaths that arise from all areas of life.

From early on I have mentioned to people that I wish to live  a hundred years. Not just because I am afraid to die....but also because there is so much I want to do before I leave this earth. There is another reason. By the time I've been around for a century, I will have experienced many "mini" deaths. Perhaps at that point, I will no longer be afraid or loathe death. Perhaps...just perhaps, death will be my friend.