On the Natch

Baby Boomer, Grrrrandma, Urban Goddess
MAY 14, 2009 6:34PM

Duaneart, You Devil! You Might Hate Me, Too, If . . .

Rate: 12 Flag

  You might hate me if:

 

McGinns at Play

  • Family reunions that end up with group picture sessions like this disturb you for some indefinable reason.

 

  •  You are working in a call center in New Delhi, and I answer the phone when you call to ask when I intend to pay my earthlink bill. Jai-fucking-ho!
 
  • You keep asking me not to lock the storm door when you go out for a smoke, and I keep forgetting and locking it anyway.
 
  • You mind someone sitting near you in the movie theatre telling you to shut the fuck up, no one wants to hear your insipid insights. And stop texting, too, the light from your phone is annoying. And you know what? Just wait there, I’ll come over and kick your ass.
 
  • You get the brunt of any one of my numerous defects of character. This week, we’re having a special on Arrogance.
 
  • You get between me and a punch line.
 
  • You get into a relationship with me and I do what I do; write about it.
 
  • You get out of a relationship with me and I do what I do; write about it.
 
  • You try to road rage at me and I sit behind the wheel when you screech to a halt in the next lane at the red light (with a face to match), as you hurl invective at me while I conduct an elaborate pantomime of “I can’t hear you,” complete with shoulder shrugs, rueful grins, and innocent eyes as I mouth, “What? What? Is there a problem here? My gas cap is off? I can’t . . . Oh-Oh, the light is green! Gotta jet! Bye-ee!”
 
  • You actually like to get a word in edgewise.
 
  • You’re a “shusher.”
 
  • You think there’s something odd about having a yellow bedroom with red venetian blinds.
 
  • You have ever dressed your dog in any kind of specially tailored dog clothing.
 
  • It bugs you to be treated like an adult.
 
  • You somehow can’t watch the same Seinfeld episode over and over. And over.
 
  • Ditto Get Shorty, Godfather II, Jaws, Rosemary’s Baby, A Thousand Clowns, The General, or Aliens.
 
  • It scares you to drive through the desert with the top down (yours AND the car’s) and the music on so loud you can feel it through the bodywork.
 
  • You Hate Lucy.
 
  • You have season tickets. To any sport.
 

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Comments

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This killed me. KILLED ME!

You are one-of-a-kind. And I bet you get that all the time. But I can't help telling you again. You are ONE of a kind!

What a list. The fucking thing about dressing up your dog - HA!!!!

And you like The General? The one with Brendon Gleeson? I have never even MET anyone that's seen it! I hope that's the one you meant.

Plus, I'd love to take you to the movies and watch you in action. Scratch that - I'd rather do the top down thing in the desert and watch you in action!!! Ha!

You are some broad.
Duaneart, do you mean Buster Keaton?

Thanks; I've heard that before, but a girl can never hear it enough.
Havlin,
You crack me up!!! You would probably kick any guy's ass, but it would be worth it!
Actually, Ralph, it's been awhile since I've administered any serious ass-kickings, but it's just like riding a bike, I'm sure.

Thanks!
Hells yeah! Wanna be friends? I need someone like you to hang with.
Sure thing, gracielou! Thanks for stopping by!
My family reunions never produce pics like that and btw: nice rack.

Get Shorty or anything else be Elmore Leonard, over and over.
Thanks, Cap'n! As to the rack, it's in a tie with my hair for "Best Feature."
I'd like to hire you to go to the movies with me! Very cool list. I don't hate you at all. Just don't make me come to any family reunions and we'll get along just fine. Rated.
Very funny! That Duaneart is getting way too much attention, though.
Love the list and ensuing conversations, lol.
Love the movie titles.:)
you took one from me. the edgewise thing. what a list. i dress my dogs up in sweaters all the time. very funny. what a list.
Excellent road rage reaction...I can so visualize it! Nothing is better than pissing off some angry obsessive asshole by feigning ignorance. MUCH better than flipping them off. And I love riding thru the desert AND that is a fine movie list...
Lady Miko, Hells Bells, Buffy, Peter, Theo, and Suzie; thank you for your appreciation. Coming from OSers like you, it's praise indeed. Love youse.
funny!...rated. we ma-most DEFinitely share some of these thingys in common, girly...
Oh, Gypsy, you and I are definitely sisters under the skin! Thanks!