You might hate me if:

• Family reunions that end up with group picture sessions like this disturb you for some indefinable reason.

•  You are working in a call center in New Delhi, and I answer the phone when you call to ask when I intend to pay my earthlink bill. Jai-fucking-ho!

• You keep asking me not to lock the storm door when you go out for a smoke, and I keep forgetting and locking it anyway.

• You mind someone sitting near you in the movie theatre telling you to shut the fuck up, no one wants to hear your insipid insights. And stop texting, too, the light from your phone is annoying. And you know what? Just wait there, I’ll come over and kick your ass.

• You get the brunt of any one of my numerous defects of character. This week, we’re having a special on Arrogance.

• You get between me and a punch line.

• You get into a relationship with me and I do what I do; write about it.

• You get out of a relationship with me and I do what I do; write about it.

• You try to road rage at me and I sit behind the wheel when you screech to a halt in the next lane at the red light (with a face to match), as you hurl invective at me while I conduct an elaborate pantomime of “I can’t hear you,” complete with shoulder shrugs, rueful grins, and innocent eyes as I mouth, “What? What? Is there a problem here? My gas cap is off? I can’t . . . Oh-Oh, the light is green! Gotta jet! Bye-ee!”

• You actually like to get a word in edgewise.

• You’re a “shusher.”

• You think there’s something odd about having a yellow bedroom with red venetian blinds.

• You have ever dressed your dog in any kind of specially tailored dog clothing.

• It bugs you to be treated like an adult.

• You somehow can’t watch the same Seinfeld episode over and over. And over.

• Ditto Get Shorty, Godfather II, Jaws, Rosemary’s Baby, A Thousand Clowns, The General, or Aliens.

• It scares you to drive through the desert with the top down (yours AND the car’s) and the music on so loud you can feel it through the bodywork.

• You Hate Lucy.

• You have season tickets. To any sport.