My Heart Speaks Here

One Realization, One Memory, One Story at a Time

heidibeth

heidibeth
Birthday
April 02
Bio
I'll tell you about my journey while I'm telling myself, rereading and saying aha! yes! and that is what it was like! Words have magic feet. I like to see them dance. The rest is to be kept quiet because it is sacred. How I watch people and love them never wondering if we'll agree. I love them because they are. I believe in words but they aren't everything. I'll take harsh speech and good deeds over eloquence and little helpful action in the world. There's shades of gray through everything which is one of many reasons I pray, "Thy Will not mine be done," trying not to cross my fingers but keep my eyes and heart open.

MY RECENT POSTS

Heidibeth's Links

Salon.com
MAY 9, 2011 12:17AM

Dear Mom,

I almost forgot about Mother’s Day.  No surprise.  I doubt your grandchildren even know today was supposed to be about us, their maternal figures.  I started this letter at the Baha’i Center when sunlight still graced our bit of globe, shortly after you visited

Read full post »
MAY 7, 2011 10:03PM

writing now

edge of my seat, screen precarious
on denim-covered knees
hummus, tortilla chips, grape tomatoes
unopened herb salad, organic turkey
maple yogurt, water, oj
i arrived hungry

only gotta second
not the right time
nor conducive to poetry, yet
words rumble, notions dance
beg for space
even if i speak
in jagged, p… Read full post »

MAY 2, 2011 10:14PM

Shave your legs? Why?

 

legs

I woke up this morning wondering about the history of leg hair removal for women in the U.S.  I did a brief google search, "history of leg shaving."  From what I can tell, popular opinion lays responsibility for grown,

Read full post »
APRIL 28, 2011 5:29PM

bending branches

  spring

 

Rockin' out to Raffi, I'm peripherally aware of an animated game of "Yeah, and then I pick up a big boulder and you distribute the stun ray and we fly over the village back to our secret tree house," carrying on nearby.

Mostly sunshine, half a chance for/… Read full post »

APRIL 26, 2011 9:07PM

Room to Grow

  dandelion

Not random - this process of moving into a literally-mobile home, gaining momentum for life on the road awhile - predictably chaotic, interrupted by waves of recognizing portals to freedom, understood and observed.  Chunks of our garage grow visible, closet contents shrink, bags o… Read full post »

APRIL 22, 2011 9:46PM

i could be

write me a cool night, windy
jacket zipped, sleeves pulled down
hints of yesterday's storm drizzling
nothing really  

call it solitude
beneath a starless haze
add a distant city bus
and a thousand tires
rolling through downtown

an omelet  
made with butter please
an iron table
a black sandwich… Read full post »

APRIL 19, 2011 2:49PM

Incomplete Meditation

solitude2

 

I don't like waiting and loose ends, but I appreciate the outcome of determination balanced with patience.  I like singing along.  I like warm sunny days followed by cold snuggly nights.  I like when brothers appreciate each other, faces contorted into giggly art, belli… Read full post »

APRIL 17, 2011 1:04PM

Stuff

monsoon2

 

My husband and I have admitted that as long as everyone in our family is safe, our house burning down would feel like a blessing... once we all recovered from disbelief.  

We hang on to so much useless-to-us stuff, letting it camp in boxes, drawers, closet-backs, above cabinets,/… Read full post »

APRIL 14, 2011 7:59PM

What I Know

image

 

Just like when I was 22, cool, single, free, attractive, determined, hopeful... insecure, financially inept, emotionally weak, unstable, impulsive, hiding half the story, prone to tantrums, wishing I could write like that other guy, needing constant validation, wounded, at war with a… Read full post »

APRIL 12, 2011 9:10PM

Between Bouts of Detachment

Dreams require errands and chocolate has replaced cigarettes.  I imagine you there, reading, but not hearing the same music I write to.  In a moment of discouragement I wonder if we ever connect to another living soul.  In a second flash, I wonder how our interconnectedness with every… Read full post »

APRIL 11, 2011 12:58AM

Day Three of 30 - Purging Journal

I spent three slow hours at the library this afternoon.  My son was in Pokemon league and I was a fixture in a beautiful cafe surrounded by walls of windows.  I investigated educational sites for home schooling, periodically eyed my other stunningly beautiful child as he played Lego Starwar… Read full post »

APRIL 9, 2011 10:51PM

Follow up to a "boring" warning

Yesterday I warned that I may write about a 30 day purge.  Seems I do want to publicly journal the process, at least today's.

I'm on day two of 30 for getting rid of at least one (ideally more) of our possessions each day.  Today I gathered up a garbage… Read full post »

APRIL 8, 2011 6:35PM

Systematic

simplicity

I thought of setting for myself the task of writing another 30 blog posts in 30 days. Then I realized I don't want to, or rather, I want to focus on clearing our house of every extra instead.

Mercilessness is needed here.

Mind tricks hold me back,… Read full post »

APRIL 7, 2011 11:24PM

Speaking of visions

We'll need an oven, for when a recipe order comes in.  Business goes on. We require comfortable sleeping accommodations for four to begin with, six ideally, but we're not starting with ideal, just necessary. Ideal is my idea, best is guided from beyond the veil. We'll also need a decent commode… Read full post »

I'm sitting in a cafe, owned by the bakery that produces our gluten free recipes.

 

0404111628

 

 Fringy suede boots on for fun, fresh decaf latte and six beautiful almond chocolate chip cookies (I can eat) are inches from my right hand.  I'm closer to forty now than I… Read full post »
MARCH 31, 2011 9:58PM

Checking in

Heart Blossoms

We ought to see these soon!

A spring dinner salad at a wooden picnic table eased into an open-window dusk in our living room, which is now a night amble into the tandem, sedentary worlds of electronics engagement.  

Hello OS friends, How are you tonight?

I haven't been… Read full post »

MARCH 28, 2011 3:46PM

someone else's nap time

overcast

 

slow writing beside a shaggy canine bundle
she jumped in my arms for love
asleep now, lola sighs

quiet in between, overcast
seventeen minutes past noon
cookies cool

i have ached for calm
drowsy hours
like this

boys earn gentle… Read full post »

MARCH 25, 2011 12:44AM

carried

flying
 
single syllable sentiments
love, blessed, life
solid matters, my opinion
details of a single moment
all disappear
in a walking meditation
one mile at a time
no beat holds me steady
the sun, a promise
carries my frame
accompanied by a fragile silence
a link to/… Read full post »
MARCH 18, 2011 12:00AM

Mental Pacing

Details make me serious.  I furrow my brow, set my lips in a line and move too slow and too fast at once.  Even when I have the grace to glide through a long "to do" list, if I'm aiming at a too-intense-to-grasp goal, I whimper where no one can hear.… Read full post »

MARCH 16, 2011 11:32PM

Defined? Ben Russel's Open Call

What defines me?  How do I want to be defined?  Defined is one of those words, apt to sound peculiar when said or thought over and over, its meaning obscured with repetition.  For this reason, I'm blinking at a mostly blank screen.

Define Heidibeth: .....

Struggling, can you tell?

Okay, h… Read full post »

MARCH 15, 2011 4:06AM

azure

 

white rose

faith breathes flesh
onto a skeleton of dreams
a rope i cling to
moving near
nearer still
a vision held so long, longing
the moment i would
cross my legs before you
have time to see you... seeRead full post »

I've searched and searched.  I fold for now. Matters call, sleep calls. Poetry.  I have no brain for verse tonight, my mind so tangled in seeking, sorting, waiting, wishing.  

No dream is lived without effort, yet... am I pushing too hard, not detached enough, or spinning in place. … Read full post »

MARCH 6, 2011 12:35AM

didn't, just in time

 

I was gonna feel sorry for myself, sorry as in pining for wants I must accept uncertainty about while I wait hopefully for the desired scenario to transpire. I decided to make deviled eggs instead.  Water's boiling now.

I was gonna slump on the couch and pout, then I rotated… Read full post »

MARCH 2, 2011 8:24PM

time doesn't stop


Frozen in time on glossy parchment, a three year old boy stands in the park one summer afternoon, sunshine smile wreathed in auburn curls, one arm held high, the other on his hip above a fat brown leather belt, Curious George dances in white cloth bubbles over soft navy corduroy… Read full post »

FEBRUARY 26, 2011 2:01AM

walking softly

I could turn my heart to every matter undefined, laced with sadness, uncertainty, less than what I wished for.  I could. 

I ache enough holding love, hugs from small arms, cherished hopes like late winter buds; a promise of spring.  Still, I sing here.

Pregnant with tears, matters I n… Read full post »