My Heart Speaks Here

One Realization, One Memory, One Story at a Time

heidibeth

heidibeth
Birthday
April 02
Bio
I'll tell you about my journey while I'm telling myself, rereading and saying aha! yes! and that is what it was like! Words have magic feet. I like to see them dance. The rest is to be kept quiet because it is sacred. How I watch people and love them never wondering if we'll agree. I love them because they are. I believe in words but they aren't everything. I'll take harsh speech and good deeds over eloquence and little helpful action in the world. There's shades of gray through everything which is one of many reasons I pray, "Thy Will not mine be done," trying not to cross my fingers but keep my eyes and heart open.

MY RECENT POSTS

Heidibeth's Links

Salon.com
APRIL 11, 2011 12:58AM

Day Three of 30 - Purging Journal

I spent three slow hours at the library this afternoon.  My son was in Pokemon league and I was a fixture in a beautiful cafe surrounded by walls of windows.  I investigated educational sites for home schooling, periodically eyed my other stunningly beautiful child as he played Lego Starwar… Read full post »

APRIL 9, 2011 10:51PM

Follow up to a "boring" warning

Yesterday I warned that I may write about a 30 day purge.  Seems I do want to publicly journal the process, at least today's.

I'm on day two of 30 for getting rid of at least one (ideally more) of our possessions each day.  Today I gathered up a garbage… Read full post »

APRIL 8, 2011 6:35PM

Systematic

simplicity

I thought of setting for myself the task of writing another 30 blog posts in 30 days. Then I realized I don't want to, or rather, I want to focus on clearing our house of every extra instead.

Mercilessness is needed here.

Mind tricks hold me back,… Read full post »

APRIL 7, 2011 11:24PM

Speaking of visions

We'll need an oven, for when a recipe order comes in.  Business goes on. We require comfortable sleeping accommodations for four to begin with, six ideally, but we're not starting with ideal, just necessary. Ideal is my idea, best is guided from beyond the veil. We'll also need a decent commode… Read full post »

I'm sitting in a cafe, owned by the bakery that produces our gluten free recipes.

 

0404111628

 

 Fringy suede boots on for fun, fresh decaf latte and six beautiful almond chocolate chip cookies (I can eat) are inches from my right hand.  I'm closer to forty now than I… Read full post »
MARCH 31, 2011 9:58PM

Checking in

Heart Blossoms

We ought to see these soon!

A spring dinner salad at a wooden picnic table eased into an open-window dusk in our living room, which is now a night amble into the tandem, sedentary worlds of electronics engagement.  

Hello OS friends, How are you tonight?

I haven't been… Read full post »

MARCH 28, 2011 3:46PM

someone else's nap time

overcast

 

slow writing beside a shaggy canine bundle
she jumped in my arms for love
asleep now, lola sighs

quiet in between, overcast
seventeen minutes past noon
cookies cool

i have ached for calm
drowsy hours
like this

boys earn gentle… Read full post »

MARCH 25, 2011 12:44AM

carried

flying
 
single syllable sentiments
love, blessed, life
solid matters, my opinion
details of a single moment
all disappear
in a walking meditation
one mile at a time
no beat holds me steady
the sun, a promise
carries my frame
accompanied by a fragile silence
a link to/… Read full post »
MARCH 18, 2011 12:00AM

Mental Pacing

Details make me serious.  I furrow my brow, set my lips in a line and move too slow and too fast at once.  Even when I have the grace to glide through a long "to do" list, if I'm aiming at a too-intense-to-grasp goal, I whimper where no one can hear.… Read full post »

MARCH 16, 2011 11:32PM

Defined? Ben Russel's Open Call

What defines me?  How do I want to be defined?  Defined is one of those words, apt to sound peculiar when said or thought over and over, its meaning obscured with repetition.  For this reason, I'm blinking at a mostly blank screen.

Define Heidibeth: .....

Struggling, can you tell?

Okay, h… Read full post »

MARCH 15, 2011 4:06AM

azure

 

white rose

faith breathes flesh
onto a skeleton of dreams
a rope i cling to
moving near
nearer still
a vision held so long, longing
the moment i would
cross my legs before you
have time to see you... seeRead full post »

I've searched and searched.  I fold for now. Matters call, sleep calls. Poetry.  I have no brain for verse tonight, my mind so tangled in seeking, sorting, waiting, wishing.  

No dream is lived without effort, yet... am I pushing too hard, not detached enough, or spinning in place. … Read full post »

MARCH 6, 2011 12:35AM

didn't, just in time

 

I was gonna feel sorry for myself, sorry as in pining for wants I must accept uncertainty about while I wait hopefully for the desired scenario to transpire. I decided to make deviled eggs instead.  Water's boiling now.

I was gonna slump on the couch and pout, then I rotated… Read full post »

MARCH 2, 2011 8:24PM

time doesn't stop


Frozen in time on glossy parchment, a three year old boy stands in the park one summer afternoon, sunshine smile wreathed in auburn curls, one arm held high, the other on his hip above a fat brown leather belt, Curious George dances in white cloth bubbles over soft navy corduroy… Read full post »

FEBRUARY 26, 2011 2:01AM

walking softly

I could turn my heart to every matter undefined, laced with sadness, uncertainty, less than what I wished for.  I could. 

I ache enough holding love, hugs from small arms, cherished hopes like late winter buds; a promise of spring.  Still, I sing here.

Pregnant with tears, matters I n… Read full post »

FEBRUARY 13, 2011 10:50PM

My son plays the lead

And he's good!

Every mother is inclined to say exactly this when their dear one treads the boards.

I'm not being motherly-enthusiastic.  He is an excellent actor with a fantastic voice to boot!

Dialogue comes easily.  Once he understands the why, he's on the case, giving his heart to the te… Read full post »

FEBRUARY 11, 2011 3:15PM

Quiet Gifts

They stand on longer-than-she-can-believe legs, possess defined jaw lines, cheek bones, composure. She studies each feature, especially those beautiful eyes.

Her older son flashes a crinkle-nose grin.

"Mooom, what?!" her younger son giggles, squirming.

"I'm grateful I get to be your mother," she o… Read full post »

FEBRUARY 9, 2011 7:08PM

mokey mind in verse

 

  bright ideas

 

blank page
can you offer
miracles of clarity and depth
a classic ballet of syllables
sans effort (from me)
no need to pine
for a well-spun phrase

beginnings surround
ideas without form, first lines
silence beyond
an impatient gardener am i
checking/… Read full post »

FEBRUARY 8, 2011 5:39PM

shhhhh.....

  reading child

 

wrapped in quiet
a blanket, soothing
too slow for words
a moment in between
each content in our own doing
together
bowed over matter
we read, search, create
i am with two children
who bounce
as a rule
but not in this
unplanned sanctuary
how/… Read full post »


 “Are you sure?” I asked a second time.

“Yes,” she said, smiling.

My sister-in-law had baked a beautiful cake.  She assured me it was Heidi-friendly.  One bite sent me into orbit! I hung around the dessert table staring at that perfect creation like a mira… Read full post »

FEBRUARY 5, 2011 10:20PM

Yes!!!

 

I was nervous, but there was nothing to worry about. The kids in our children's theater company absolutely rocked at dress rehearsal today! They spoke clearly, stayed in character between lines, and nailed every song.

I could get hooked on the look of triumph that crosses a… Read full post »

FEBRUARY 4, 2011 3:29PM

first

i resist stillness
at dawn
prefer doing
believe coffee alone
is enough
to send me
into the day
ready

i know better
pull a blanket
over my shoulders
feet, crossed legs
breathe into
morning meditation

words i've heard for years
sanity saving syllables
pour from my… Read full post »

FEBRUARY 2, 2011 10:32PM

Getting to Know My Grandma


Grandma Katz was growing weak, appearing older than her 76 years, afflicted with an illness that grows in the soil of a life time spent worrying, compulsively focusing on a perfection that lives ever on the planes of impossible. She lost weight and her ability to speak. She needed lots… Read full post »

FEBRUARY 1, 2011 6:38PM

Musings on a Snowy Afternoon

In my early twenties, I drove in amazingly beautiful and equally dangerous weather.

The first time, on a bright afternoon, snow flew in swirling masses toward the windshield.  I could only see a a few feet beyond the hood. I was in a sideways funnel, easing down the highway… Read full post »

I'm stalling in the place between poetic prose and silence.
Quiet, intimidated by everyday life and the prospect of accountability, routine.
I wither there, I think.
Or do I?
I don't really know anymore.
Some semblance of routine has proven fruitful.
I feel insecure here, sure the anvil waits, restin… Read full post »