Today was the first 2-2-1 day and already it's waves of nausea and light-headedness. It's a fucking shame, the Mirapex was my first relief from tremors and cognitive malfunction in 9 months. If I give up and go on Levadopa I cut a year or more off the remaining number of reliable functioning years I have left. Fuck.
In case it seems like my Saturday morning was just me being sick: I was alone. I could not clean up the first volley on the bedroom floor. I was dry heaving every 5 minutes like clockwork, wrapped around the toilet on the floor, and the whole two+ hours I was hallucinating vivid razorwire cartoon versions of every mistake I've made for the last ten years. Mirapex, the wonder drug. This is what I am voluntarily walking back into, what I am risking again. Just so I can get, maybe, about 5 hours of sharp mind and hand control every day. So: fuck.
Like amphetamine with a backbeat, with a comfy lag time. Get up again at 10:30, work 'til 3 AM, sure. Makes sense. Casually impelled, not compelled. Direct to the brain. That's what Mirapex does.
I am so, so, so tired of all of this. Fuck writing. That's how bad this is. I'm supposed to stay positive. Fuck positive. Fuck life on a roller-coaster. Fuck staring and shaking at night, fuck losing my train of thought after 3 pm, and fuck the stacks of pills that trade one grab-bag of miseries for another. Fuck losing my driver's license. Fuck not following the train of events in a 7 pm movie. Fuck dentists who assume I am a demented old nobody who won't notice shoddy effort. Fuck losing my income. Fuck encouragement, fuck the pointless ecstatic discharge of poetry, and fuck the slow and careless work of indifferent mortality.
I am not depressed. I am pissed, and abjectly miserable. It's a subtle but important difference. In 5 years, probably less, I will face the choice to have DBS surgery; it also includes wires under the skin and a dealy-bob in my substantia nigra that gives me a zetz when i finger the whatsit that emerges from under my collarbone. So a $100,000 brain zapper is legal but pot isn't. Legalize it! It seems like every fucking year they vote on it and every year the private prisons and others lobby, they spend millions buying the votes to shoot it down. Fuck lobbyists, fuck prisons, and fuck cruelty in the name of business.
Fuck effort. Fuck the pointless rustle in the undergrowth that is scrabbling, grasping, delusional human existence. Achievement is a pretense, honor and reward are made of mist. We are the grave error, and the grave will correct us. Fuck suicide, too, so rest easy, and leave it alone. Oh, and fuck nihilism, too. It is neither romantic nor elevating to say fuck everything, so I stop short, and will hold tight the lives of my children, and a precious few besides. Otherwise, fuck all.
Don't even think about trying to fix me or improve my outlook or give me fucking useless hope. Hope is a brain function, and my brain is unreliable now.
And fuck all of fucking Parkinson's Disease all day and all night until it drops dead Thursday, if not sooner. Let me hear an amen.