(I wrote the following back in 1979 after a dream about attempting a love session using the big toe.)
It was a stupid thing to do.
I never want to look at Roger's big toe again.
The night started out quite normally. As a matter of fact, it was the end of the night for most sane married couples.
But Roger and I weren't too sane. To us saneness meant sameness, and both of us refused to fit into that mold.
We had stayed up for the late movie on TV at my parents' home. A few times a year we would drive to Des Moines to spend the weekend with them and my five siblings. I was the oldest. Thank God, though, they didn't look up to me as a model. If they only knew....
Roger and I were newly-weds of only a year or so. Sex to us was excitement to the fullest. If there was a different way to do it, we did it. Our home was our erotic castle.
We loved being married. And all this fun was perfectly legal. We were even open to having babies, if the Lord trusted us enough.
That evening our folks had put us on the sofa bed, knowing we liked to watch TV in bed. Throughout the evening my younger sisters filtered into the living room after dates or nights out with friends.
The second-to-oldest, Connie, came in last, and collapsed on the floor. She, being higher than the Empire Stat Building, suddenly swooped to the floor with one great big "Hi, Sexies!"
Being too tired ourselves to coax her up to bed, and with other things on our minds, we put a pillow under her head, a blanket over her and preceded to make love.
When we were just getting to the good part, when we knew of nothing else existing in the world, the Empire State Building make another desperate attempt at standing tall.....but fell over across Roger and me.
"Wha' chu guys up to?" Connie slurped.
Roger was fit to be tied!
He threw back his covers, put on his pants and headed for the chair, which had his coat draped over it.
Pouting, he put on his coat, reached for mine and threw it to me.
"Let's get out of here. This is too much of a madhouse for me tonight," he said.
Surprisingly, once in the car, his anger disappeared. We drove off.
"Marcie, I've got a great idea. How, just fasten your seat belt and listen before you say anything.
"You know Harold --- well, at work last week, he lent me this fabulous book on sex techniques. You know what one article said?"
"What, Roger?" I asked, while I was thinking about how I could get even with Connie.
"Marcie --- it's all in the big toe."
"The big toe, sure! What in the hell does the big toe have to do with sex? Hey now --- I'm not a pervert. There's going to be no violence in our relationship. Keep your big toe to yourself."
I simmered down. "Come on! Let's go home and look for some sleeping bags and continue where we left off."
But Roger hadn't been convinced.
"Marcie, there's nothing sadistic here. This one guy wrote in this article that he and his woman had the greatest time with his big toe. It's kinda like a penis substitute."
"Roger, what have you been drinking?"
"Don't knock it if you haven't tried it! And that's what we're going to do tonight!"
He sped on, way past the 35 mile an hour speed limit. And at the sight of the first fast service all night restaurant, he pulled in.
"Come on in, Marcie. You'll need lots of energy tonight. Order up big for the Big Toe!"
"Oh Roger, let's wait on this experiment til we're home in our own house. Can you imagine when we'd look like making it with your big toe if someone in the "madhouse" had to get up and go to the bathroom? This idea of yours --- it's just not practical at my folks' house."
How I wanted to add that this idea wasn't practical at any time! But, like he said, "Don't knock it if you haven't tried it."
As soon as our order was filled, Roger grabbed it up, took me by the hand and we rushed to the car.
"What's the hurry? Why can't we eat in there and see what we're putting in our mouth?"
I was losing patience.
"Roger, you're crazy tonight! Talk to me! Think out loud, will you? Hey, this isn't the way to Mom and Dad's. Just where are we going?"
I dug my hamburger out of the McDonald's bag and started eating. Unfortunately, I was upset, something in my mouth always calmed me down.
"Marcie, it's like this. I had wanted to surprise you, but, as usual, you're just not patient." Roger began.
"First of all, we're not going back to that madhouse your family calls home tonight!"
"What motel's going to let us in for a dollar and a half? Isn't that what change you got back from our only $10 bill?" I interrupted.
"We're not staying in a motel," Roger said.
He abruptly squealed to a halt on the highway, made half a donut to set him back in the opposite direction.
"Just about made me miss my turn there," he said.
"What in the hell are we doing out here in the middle of nowhere?" I was becoming very impatient.
"Now, let me continue with my plan, Marcie," Roger very methodically stated.
"We are going back to nature tonight, you might say --- yet with the comforts of a roof over our heads. It does look like it could rain, huh?
"Remember that old farm where us used to steal watermelons when we were going together? Well, I drove out this way today while your mom and you were baggin' and my mind raced with cool memories of things we did there a couple years ago. Remember?"
Heat rose up my neck and set my cheeks on fire.
"I guess. But Roger, are we still those same people now? I personally thought you were beginning to get a little soft. You know, a fluffy pillow under your head, floral fresh sheets..."
"Who says I'm soft, girl! We're going to that old farm tonight, and we're going to make love all night in the barn. You, me and my big toe!"
"Roger, you know people live there! That old man will be out there at 4 am, loaded .22 and all. I'm scared!"
"Marcie, the place is vacated. There's no one there, except you and me in a minute! The doors are all bolted shut. Grass is grown up in the front yard. Just relax! We'll have a ball!"
I did begin to relax. My fear was turning into forbidden excitement. I leaned back in my bucket seat and giggled, breathed a deep sigh and toyed with Roger's upper thigh. He put his hand on top and mine and grasped it tightly.
"There's still lots of devil left in you, isn't there, Roger" Your mind must be a haven for nastiness!"
He chuckled as he drove into the driveway of the old forsaken farm.
"Hey, bring the food in with you! I'm starved. Oh, yeah, hand me those two blankets in the back seat, too. Honey, this is going to be a honey of a night!"
Surprisingly, the old barn door opened quite easily.
Inside was the sweet smell of hay and night.
Immediately Roger threw one of the blankets over a pile of straw. He hugged me and we passionately collapsed down on the pile.
I was in heaven. The atmosphere made me feel like a farmer's mischievous daughter, sneaking off with a traveling salesman.
The kisses became stronger and deeper. I could taste Roger wanting me --- from the top of head down to...to...his big toe.
All of a sudden, he pulled away.
"Say Marcie, you know, I'm still starved. Remember what you did with the food? Here it is. Want some? Sorry, but I just can't make love on an empty stomach." "Go ahead and finish it off, Roger. I ate my share." I answered. "But eat fast, I feel good n' horny!"
He got up and sat at a little table nearby while I sat up in our straw pile.
I know it wasn't intentional, but I felt rejected. I was really warming up to his idea of sex in the barn, and was kind of curious about that big toe of his. He lead me on and then left me cold for a cold hamburger.
"Marcie, this is great! Sure you don't want some?
"No, I snapped back. "Hope you choke on every bite of it."
"Now, don't get anxious," he teasingly said. "We have all night to make love. Remember, I said we need lots of energy for this session? I'm getting it, and Lady, it's all for you and little Virginia!"
Without even touching him, I found myself more desirous of him than I had ever remembered. The quiet of the farm was interrupted only by soft chirping of bugs and the small continuous murmurs of thunder far away.
"Just about done, Marcie," Roger said. "If you have to go to the potty, go now."
"Don't have to go! C'mon, Roger! I love you and want you now!"
He got up.
In the practically pitch black of the night, I could see the gleam in his eyes. He unbuckled his belt and took off his slacks.
"Oh, can't forget to take off my shoes tonight, can I?"
Slowly he untied his shoes and took them and his socks off.
"Honey, join me," he whispered.
With experienced fingers, he unsnapped my jeans,and helped me pull them off. He unbuttoned my blouse and reached inside my bra.
The warmth of his palm against my breasts set me on fire. My lips searched for his.
They were found. I wrapped my arms tightly around his waist, brought them forward, and reached inside his shorts.
I felt a vibrating within me that couldn't stopped. He bent his knee and commenced to put some lubricating stuff on his big toe.
"Marcie, you're about to experience heave, utopia and Shangri-La all at once. Here comes the big..."
The door was jammed open.
Nonchalantly, in walked four or five cows. They came to an immediate stop...I guess as surprised to see us as we were to see them.
"Roger, cows! I screamed. "Get 'em out of here!"
Stark naked, Roger got up to chase the cows out, when another door, at a right angle to the one which had just been opened, was flung wide open.
In walks this half-bull, half-elephant creature. Horns, big white rugged ones poked out of the sides of the bull's head, curved around his head and met at the top in mean-looking points.
To this day, I can remember his head to be as big as an old fashioned wash pan. His wide eyes were ablaze. His nostrils were wide open. He came rushing for me, and I was off to the car!
"Roger, get your pant and come on," I thundered.
Before we could open the car door, lights flashed on in the nearby farmhouse. I could hear cussing inside.
Slowly, the back door of the house opened. Something pointed out....was it a huge rifle of some type?
Behind the "rifle" was a man clothed about as scantly as us.
"What in the hell's GOING ON out here? Varmints! Let me see you so I can blow your brains to kingdom come!"
"Roger....start the car! Let's head out! Roger...!
"Will you shut up? I don't have my keys! They're in the barn with that damn bull and his harem," Roger snapped back.
So there we were. I had nothing on. Even the blankets were still in the barn. Roger had a pair of pants on. Meanwhile, the old man was prancing on down to the barn. I want to die. But first, I wanted to cut off Roger's big toe.
"Okay, Buddy...go face the music," I told Roger. "Get out of this car and explain the whole situation to that old hillbilly. THEN GET ME BACK SOME CLOTHES!"
Roger was out of the car --- with his hands stretched up to touch the stars, in a heartbeat.
"Sir, we mean no harm. Don't shoot! Please, just listen for a minute!" Roger's voice quivered.
The old geezer calmed down and they talked.
Soon he was slapping his knee, rolling his head back, chuckling away.
Together they went into the barn, and were out within a couple minutes with all our clothes blankets and the keys.
Roger threw the clothes in the car and I dressed while the guys kept talking.
He and Roger shook hands and parted ways. Lights dimmed in the house before we could get the car started.
"Holy Maloney, Roger, what did you tell that old goat to make him turn into a lamb?" I asked.
"Oh, just gave him a few hints about the big toe," Roger relied. "He got a big kick out of it, and said that he and his old lady were looking for some new excitement like that. He couldn't wait to try it out. Said we were welcomed to use his barn anytime. Look, he even gave me his phone number. Next time, he'll lock up the cows someplace else, he said.
As we drove out of the driveway, and headed down the long narrow road toward the folks' home, my anger subsided. I laughed the rest of the way home.
As we walked into the front door, I couldn' help but feel 'at home.'
"Roger," I whispered. "Here we are...in the madhouse"
To this day, Roger has kept his big toe to himself. And that's been fine with me.