. . . I love you. I really do. When I see a man in power cry tears of unadulterated joy, it makes me tingle the way my first high school girlfriend did when she stuck her tongue in my ear during our freshman summer break. Oh, John! If only gay marriage were legal throughout the nation, I'd . . . pawn you off on someone who would treat you like the dumb, malleable, shallow little hand puppet that you are. Yes, you, John Boehner.
No other era has cried out for actual leadership more than the current one. Since 9/11/01, we have needed someone who could see through the insanity, confront the reality, and take bold steps towards a better future. Unfortunately, all we have gotten in that time is a flood of mere politicians who couldn't wait to play the same old game. I can only marvel at your weeping as you took the gavel from Pelosi's hands. Were you overcome by the vision of burying it in Nancy's head again and again over the next two years? I'll bet you were.
Because that's all you're really capable of doing. And you'll look super-cute doing it, in your Trent Lott hairpiece and third-hand Gingrich gray suits. My friends and I can't wait to watch you on CSPAN, Fox, and CNN as you unflinchingly try to take the country forward into abject ruin. By the time your term is finished, those won't be joyous tears streaking your flat, (fake) tan cheeks; they'll be anguish streams from the 20/20 hindsight you'll suffer ever after. You're about to play the dumbest game yet, and will leave office in disgrace. How do we know that? Your opening agenda is a dead giveaway.
Repealing the health care overhaul? Really? Is it absolutely necessary for you to show your idiocy nadir so soon? So many cities across the nation are risking financial ruin due to skyrocketing health care costs associated with public employee benefits and retirement packages. Small business owners are facing premium increases of 10-14% per year, to the extent that employees themselves now have to pay the cost of dependent coverage because the employers cannot afford the expense. Clearly, the way to lower taxes across the board and restore lost profit margins to small businesses is to bring health care costs under control. Yet, for all your tears and power and GOP rhetoric, you aren't man enough to face the 400 lb. gorilla. Instead, you're ready, willing, and able to bring it all the bananas, bamboo shoots, and bottled water it needs to take a dump on our nation's future.
Or try to, anyway. The odds-on bet is that your repeal effort will succeed in the House and die in the Senate. Some amendments may get passed, giving a small, but symbolic, return back to the health care industry. You'll make a lot of noise, get cozier with the talk show circuit, and stake your claim on a presidential candidacy. Once more, the mere politician: devoid of vision, bereft of inspiration, and impotent against the forces that will crumble this republic in very short order.
So, cry me a river, little Johnny. I'm a man now, long gone from high school. Those thrilling days with my old girlfriend's tongue in my ear were the foundation of lust and thrills that became passion and intimacy. Things that a cheap whore like you will never comprehend. Which is why I love you, Congressman Boehner. You're a throwback to the days when so much less seemed like so much more.