This cancer stuff is vicious.

I got the report on the lumpectomy.  They didn’t get it all, so now I have to go back for a mastectomy.  I asked the surgeon to schedule it soon so I could get it over with.  She asked if I want reconstruction.  I told her, no.

She insisted I make an appointment to talk to a plastic surgeon.  I called.  The man is on vacation. I couldn’t see him until next Tuesday and his receptionist said I could be waiting hours in his waiting room.

I read up on the options on the web.  My surgeon is partial to saline implants.  Picture a sandwich baggie full of salt water stuffed under the breast muscles.  Now picture hugging somebody against that baggie.  I have trouble thinking of something more repulsive.  How to ruin a hug!

There are other options.  There are silicone filled baggies.  Same difference.  Then there’s double surgery where they take tummy fat and transplant it to the breast location.  Zow – for a word we weren’t even allowed to say when I was a kid, I have to use this word (breast) frequently now!  Like I really want double surgery, or a tummy tuck? They can also take the fat from thighs or buttocks. This kind of surgery causes months of soreness and restricted activity levels, and the transplanted fat cells still might die.  No thanks.  I’d way rather stuff my bra.

The more I thought about it, the more repulsive it all became, so I cancelled the appointment with the plastic surgeon and again asked the breast surgeon to give me a quick appointment.  I’ve got Passover next weekend, and a Film Festival shortly after that.  I want to be in shape for that Festival.  The sooner I get this over with, the better.

No word in my morning email from the breast surgeon.  No word from pathology if I’ll need chemo.  This is a stage 1 tumor.  And it’s causing this much chaos with my body and my life. 

It’s weird to have a potentially lethal disease and feel healthy.  I want to stay feeling healthy.

I want to get on with my life.  I'm doing EFT to try to stay calm.