Last week, a smart and funny 20 something blogger wrote a list of 15 Things White Girls Love to do on Facebook.  Herewith, an homage to her list, amended for the 40-something crowd:

Fifteen Things Middle-Aged Women Love to do on Facebook 

1.  Post lines from John Hughes movies or Smiths songs to elicit lots of comments waxing nostalgic about the 80’s.

2.  Ask their friends to check out this thing they wrote/thing they’re selling/business they’re starting/stuff they made and “like” their page.

3.  Crow about the marathon/5k/Zumba class/yoga workshop they just rocked, spurring a chorus of “you go, girl!” sentiments from pals. 

4.  Confess to binging on junk food via ironic status update: “OMG I totally earned this Snicker’s bar!!”

5.  Make generic and mysterious prayer requests:  “…could really use your prayers right now” will engender long comment threads of concern/offers of help/love-you-sweeties.

6.  Make you feel like you don’t care about victims of cancer/kids with disabilities/people with alzheimers disease because you failed to cut and paste their status update accusing you of same.

7.  Post incredibly gorgeous, professionally shot family portraits that make you and your perfectly attractive family feel hopelessly plain by comparison, especially if you have documented your kids’ entire school career only in grainy cell phone photos.

8.  Express righteous indignation at the shenanigans of politicians or candidates not from the party of choice.  Bonus points if link to Daily Show is included.

9.  Bemoan fleetingness of time by documenting children’s milestones (first day of high school/acquisition of driver’s license/Prom date) followed with OMG HOW DID THIS HAPPEN????

10.  Share bumper sticker aphorisms with wild abandon. 

11.  Post “crazy” weekend schedule, including early wakeup times for soccer game/swim meet/academic decathlon as proof of devotion to children. Follow up later in the day with “so proud of Jr.” post including scores, times, placings from aforementioned extracurriculars.

12.  Publicly bite nails over status of college admissions, SAT scores, auditions, etc. (To be followed, natch, with OMG SO PROUD OF MY BABY when acceptance occurs.)

13.  Post pictures from glamorous vacation that is happening while everyone else is at work or buried in snow.  Being loaded, childless, or at exotic tropical locale will earn extra “I hate yous” in the comments. Bonus points if tropical locale is not in the western hemisphere.

14.  Share detailed accounts of foodie meals with complicated terminology, “Totally sleepy after dinner of poached Chilean sea bass drizzled with garlic-infused EVOO, a chiffonade of basil, pureed summer squash with arugula and bosc pear salad washed down with a fab Sauvignon Blanc! Phew! Who wants to do the dishes?”

15.  Mourn passing of pop culture figures from youth:  “RIP, Colonel Potter. You will be missed.”

Love,

Kate, a middle-aged woman on Facebook, guilty of several of these things.