"Does this picture of my new haircut make my nose look big?"
(note: anatomical distortion is computer generated for extreme comic effect)
This piece is inspired by the Posts:
“Does This Computer Make My Ass Look Fat?” by Bill S .............and
The questions we form around ourselves, directed at others to find answers, sometimes clearly define our small insecurities. We want to appear acceptable, for the most part, in taking our place within the collective culture. For so many people, how we look depends on the reaction of “the rest of us”… Helping us to clear out the things that cause other eyes to linger…those other eyes making assessments on our sanity in choosing “that outfit”, or “that menace of a haircut.”
With our siblings, some of us were fortunate to have vocal, honest critics. For me, it came in the form of my big brother. He was very good at metaphor and analogy in his youthful criticism.
“I am feasting, at Gare-ee’s nose which never runs dry!..........”
The creativity of substituting words with an old church hymn, popular poem or song was never lost on me, and sometimes I had the final laugh as I saw my brother being grounded by Dad for the unprovoked insults.
My brother's little jingles did, nonetheless call attention to my various body parts, and naturally being young enough to discover many complex forms of feelings of inferiority and self loathing, I looked in the mirror, thinking:
“Does my nose really run like a fountain?”
I was trying to find evidence of my own unusual, physical anomalies. No matter the amount of assurance from my parents I was normal looking, I wanted to find the things the other most important people in my life (my brother, his friends, my peers, and bigger kids) found so glaringly offensive.
In working with students, I find I have to become an involuntary critic outside of the acceptable limits of their various sculpture projects. I do this service reluctantly, somewhat assuaged in the notion that it is a metaphor for the larger world. Some of the questions teasingly move us into the realm of abstraction……
With our siblings, some of us were fortunate to have vocal, honest critics. For me, it came in the form of my big brother. He was very good at metaphor and analogy in his youthful criticism.
“I am feasting, at Gare-ee’s nose which never runs dry!..........”
The creativity of substituting words with an old church hymn, popular poem or song was never lost on me, and sometimes I had the final laugh as I saw my brother being grounded by Dad for the unprovoked insults.
My brother's little jingles did, nonetheless call attention to my various body parts, and naturally being young enough to discover many complex forms of feelings of inferiority and self loathing, I looked in the mirror, thinking:
“Does my nose really run like a fountain?”
I was trying to find evidence of my own unusual, physical anomalies. No matter the amount of assurance from my parents I was normal looking, I wanted to find the things the other most important people in my life (my brother, his friends, my peers, and bigger kids) found so glaringly offensive.
In working with students, I find I have to become an involuntary critic outside of the acceptable limits of their various sculpture projects. I do this service reluctantly, somewhat assuaged in the notion that it is a metaphor for the larger world. Some of the questions teasingly move us into the realm of abstraction……
"Professor Justis, does this portable easel/bag holder/child carrier
make my posture look bad?"
make my posture look bad?"
"You can be honest Professor Justis. Does this hat make my head look small?"
When we step outside of the learning institution, succumbing to the demands to make aesthetic evaluations of our friend’s, spouse's, or acquaintance’s looks, is a great responsibility.
I’ve never done it with any success:
I’ve never done it with any success:
“Does this antiquated, torn, filthy, gawdy dress make my ass look fat?”
“No, but it does make me question your attitude towards my opinion.”
“Sorry I asked!...........”
I’ve always been surprised at the things people have asked me about their own appearance. And for me, I am surprised at myself for the things I have asked.
It would be very interesting for readers to share their most interesting, embarrassing, enlightening, etc. vanity questions……either asked, or received. Share the best ones, no matter how inconceivable they seem to be...
"Just right........"
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Margaret Feike
Steve Klingaman
Natalie K. Munden
Inverted Interrobang
jlsathre
joyonboard
Salon.com
Comments
(GREAT BUN SHOT)
fingerlakes, That is a great one!! Thanks!
I've had a few backhanded vanity questions directed at me : are you eyes really that blue? Are you a natural blonde? How do you get your hair so straight? Are those your real eyelashes?
I used to ask my husband things like: what shoes do you like best with this outfit? What earrings do you like best? Am I showing too much cleavage?
Nothing terrible original.
Emma, there will be more and unusual ones......
You are reminding us that we are ridiculously hard on ourselves -- sometimes because of something someone said in childhood that stays with us.
real pretty,huh?
Thanks for coming by, and come back if you want.....
I have a slight spine problem and i have been called names all my life.
Believe me......I know the heartache of being teased. There are things about our physical appearance that become blunted with age and they don't bother us anymore......we can sometimes joke about them among intimates. I'm at an age where it's not an issue. I am more enamored with the life of the mind.
I only ask myself the question, "Does this make my boobs less prominent without squashing them under my armpits?" The proof of that question would be too humiliating to have occur outside my dressing mirror.
I will leave you to develop your own visual of this situation.
“We are so vain that we even care for the opinion of those we don't care for.” - Marie Von Ebner-Eschenbach
“The truest characters of ignorance are vanity, and pride and arrogance.” - Samuel Butler
I laughed, and it made me think. Two things I need to do more of.
My bro
(rated)
As I've said before, I'm 4'10"---"does *living* make me look short?
Though, funny thing, most of my friends don't see me as short. As my brother Frank has often said, "you play bigger than you are."
To this day, that comment still shocks me. Do I seriously have unreasonably large nostrils? What constitutes UNREASONABLY large? Too bad for stupid Daniel, because once a year he receives a drunken phone call from me, demanding to discuss the matter further!
Hylaean, friends like that ned to be nurtured to take our craziness in stride….seeing the practicality in all we dish out!
Greg, You should have that looked at.
Thanks or the quotes…….Marie’s especially!
Hi Rob, I hope the smile adds some sunshine to your day and your family’s as well…
Tom, I think they get used to it. In a drawing class, we had a mirror arrangement that made everyone look to them selves as they would to other people. Everyone was shocked………but after awhile. We got used to it, the brain had adjusted to the skewed proportions.
m.a.h, some folks just seem very large…Napoleon was one of the best examples.
I would not try to lift you physically. I’m sure there is enough character there to weigh a ton.
Jane, you have some very imaginative relatives! Ball bearing? Ouch!
Lauren, they are not “Buggy”…….as some have said, “They are the most soulful eyes I have ever seen…..Good Paragraph BTW……wow!
Ashley, I have not noticed, since I have seen you up close. The only thing I thought when I first met you was, “Wow, she is really attractive!” And later, “Wow, her writing is incredible!”
Jane, some of our less tactful friend should be bitch-slapped (well, maybe only conceptually).
Single digit age can leave some lasting scars and memories.
I'm long over it, Gary. But I was wondering if you could critique my avatar because I am pretty sure I look a little crooked or something. I just can't put my finger on it!
As I have aged I have gotten a bit less vane each year. Until now. This year there is a different kind of insecurity that has arisen, not to a great extent but I do think about it.
I am now 70 and Sue is still 16 years younger, that never seems to change, but the percentage difference between our ages gets smaller all the time. When I am 208 years old and she is 192 the difference won't be much! ;-).
Meanwhile I do sometimes wonder if Sue will continue to find me attractive since she is no where near that point where her age shows much. People take her for being anywhere from 45 to 55.
And I showed little aging in pictures taken between about 55 and 68. Some aging now is more obvious to me now, but I still don't look my age - yet. It is more an insecurity in my mind than a vanity issue. But all vanity ultimately stems from insecurity, so it is really the same thing.
Monte
I quit my hair.
Five years ago I went to Target and got hair-buzzer thing. I leave about one quarter inch everywhere. It takes ten minutes every two weeks. My friends at worked teased me bout the "Petco" look, and asked me if I got a flea bath with the haircut, but soon enough I figured out how to make it look nice.
Now I have all this free time to worry about my nose.
Monte, yes, I get the age questions a lot. And I know how the importance of them changes through the years, with the changes in what gravity unmercifully visits on our faces and body. I get age questions from other folks and my spouse as we all move into our 5o’s and 60's. With our friends, we sometimes have to become good liars.
With my lovely wife, LJ, I am sincere….always……she is a beauty beyond measure.
Mer, I’ll bet it’s a lovely nose…….adored by everyone.
Monsieur, I like the concept of the two mirrors. We must avoid the Unauthorized ones at all costs!
Hello Patricia, I once saw a European film about a filmmaker, who wanted to fim a young lady, who’s back was turned to him. She warned him that he probably did not want to see her face. He insisted she turn around. When she did, the audience realizes her face is terribly disfigured. The filmmaker character, gasps, then moves his camera in close, saying, “I want to film the most beautiful eyes I have ever seen!” (I am paraphrasing) This film sequence, a masterful work of art, changed the way I looked at people forever…Art does that.
Jimmy, I’ll bet you are very good at it by now, and think of the time and money saved. We all fuss so much sometimes. I shaved my head once in the 70’s.
Mothers would grab their children and hold them close if I went into a supermarket. Folks threw things from cars at me. But it was the 70’s, so what did I do? I decided to hitchhike across the US………really smart! I came near death and injury several times, but that is for another story.
Questions this good (and as a fellow "adult educator") I know GOOD. Questions this good are rare.
So here's my entry for a vanity question. It's one word.
"Really?"
Applicable ANYWHERE.
("God, that was good for me, was it good for you? Oh yeah, you're the best ever Roger." . . . .
"Really?
Brilliant piece of writing Roger.
"Really?"
Of course I've got the vanity totally under control. Haven't asked "Really?" in oh. . .at least 5 minutes.
I think I tend not to ask these types of questions. I'm too afraid of the answers.
I had a friend years ago who said, "Men are smart. They know not to ask questions like Do I need to lose weight? like women do." I think she was right - I don't hear men ask those questions. Is that changing??
It helps that noses like mine are more popular than they used to be, but I am always on the lookout for someone with a nose even more upturned than mine!
Today Sweet Husband and I were in the car and were laughing at eachother. We were going to the store in our winter greys and I told him how cute he looked. He replied that he didn't really want to look cute...it just messed with his life! Ha Ha Ha! We both agreed that if we looked any better (kidding, right?) that life would just be too hard. We wanted folks to like us for our stellar brains and not our devastingly good looks. Heee Hee Hee. Still giggling here. Seriously tho, what's wrong with just being yourself in this life? Healthy and happy are my goals.
Great post Gary. And may I say this? Your talent and wit make you one very attractive guy.
This is a timely question for me, having just posted pics of my wedding 27 years ago. I got many nice compliments about me then and now. I've found aging less troubling that I had feared. Partly it's good genes. Mostly it's a husband who adores all my parts and thinks I look the same as our wedding day (bless his love blindness). I have to admit I do look in the mirror and wonder who that woman is and why she doesn't look as young as I feel.
One vanity I do have, which all who know me can attest is actually true: I'm a fairly attractive women but the camera almost always makes me look like a troll. (SORRY, Freaky!) Must be something with facial planes and angles. It's frustrating, but hey, that should be my worst problem.
Thanks so much Silkstone! Maybe we are changing a little. I ask LJ about my weight once in awhile……the answer is always the same, “G, you need to do more ‘push-aways’.”
Stacey I wish I could have been beside you doing a “Double Staredown.”
Delia Thanks, you may think of something later….
I am so glad you came back Ms Peel. To me, all noses are fascinating.
Except for mine……entering rooms 2 minutes before I do.
I don’t know junk1…….it may herald the end of the world as we know it.
Hi Grace! We are hard on ourselves until later middle age, when humor raises it’s merciful head……then some of us do move into the “cute” realm. Ther is mercy in the world.
Sally……everyone knows that. I like the new avatar! You have good (facial) angles by the way.
Hey Procopius……the truth can be both brutal and kind……I’ll take kind!
I love that "easel hat". Give that guy an "A".
As a child I used to try and blow my dimples out. This is a great post. Gary do you know the name of that film about the disfigured lady?
I used to have genetic bags under my eyes. I got tired of people asking me if I was tired when I wasn't. That was cosmetic surgery that was worth every penny...did you hear that Tom?
Gary, I don't how you think of these posts with the most unique themes, but keep them coming...
Hatchet, that device can carry almost any situation......
Natilie, thank you for the nice comment. I am wracking my brain trying to remember the name of the film. I did a search and came up empty. I think it may be, "The Man Behind the Camera, Italian, 1950's or 60's
Mare,
We do love curves,.......any radius. thanks for the nice comment.
I would like to have my bags looked at.
thank you for your comment my friend!
Wonderful, Gary ... love the illustrations best!!!
Brilliant, if very very belated , praise.