Füsun A.



Montréal, CANADA
January 12
Freelance Writer - jack of all genres;master of none.
warm and genuine
I divorced my full time career of teaching after 25 years, because meanwhile I fell in love with freelance writing. Ever since, I decided to legitimize my ten-year fling which started in the new millennium. Author of: "WILL OF MY OWN - A Memoir" Available at all major book outlets. For a preview please visit: http://www.dictionmatters.com/


FEBRUARY 17, 2012 12:52PM


Rate: 83 Flag

written after a phone call on July 2, 1984~

What exactly did you expect to hear from my lips
when you casually picked up the phone
and decided to ask how I had been
and what I had done with my life
in the last fourteen years?

It wasn't your fault that we lost touch –
but to get a grip on my thoughts
and tell you everything
was too much for me to bear.
So – I stuttered foolish, incidental phrases
that I don't even remember.

What I remember of that moment though
is digging my nails into my tanned, thirty something skin
to feel that I was not living one of my recurring dreams –

To hear your breath in my ear as if you were near,
to hang on each word when you said
that you thought of me – even if occasionally –
night after night, year after year. . .

To hear your victory at sounding like a detective,
finally tracking me down; your pride at what you had done –
You have no idea how redeemed I did feel
to hear if only just that.

So many nights I had cried myself to sleep
wondering if you could really forget
your first love, your great flame,
and our first awkward kiss that started it all.

Why did you not even attempt to write
to the one who loved you all her life?

But then, I was to blame too.
I had moved – without a forwarding address.
I had taken an unlisted phone number
to become a nobody in this senseless world.
I had gotten married – just to get over you.
What a foolish thing to do!

How could I tell you that and more
in an overseas, long distance call?
Did you have any idea of what I really ached to say –
how I longed to yell, to declare
that it was you I still loved?

Then we exchanged our co-ordinates
and promised to keep in touch –
and we kept our promises.
And over the last twenty odd years,
we even got to see each other.
You were still my heart throb –
my first love, my handsome Dutch boy,
my only faithful love
and I – another man's wife and a mother.

The strange thing was that
when our fingers locked in affirmation
standing under a starry night of a late August
in my motley suburban backyard –
I felt in all the forsaken years
I had betrayed you – and not my mate.

My four year-old was asleep,
(his father out drinking with his buddies at some pub)
Could you see through my contrived look
of pretended happiness as I tried to hide
the mistakes of an unfulfilled life?
The one consummate wisdom of my years:
I could have given all at that moment
just for the chance to start over –
for it was always you that reigned in my heart.

Yes, I felt that I had betrayed you
by promising another man
to honour, and cherish and be truthful.
While I knew in my heart
that all were promised to you.

That is why I felt no regret or guilt
when I responded to your reluctant kiss
and allowed the meeting of our familiar lips.

Like a moth around a flame
I keep pirouetting in a daze.
I know one day one of us
will subside in this perpetual maze – .
either me, your stubborn moth
or you, my consuming flame will
sink into a pool of molten tears.

Meanwhile. . .
as the candle still burns
what do you expect me to do?
My marriage is over
My son and daughter are young adults.
I too have grown a lot through what life has offered.

Yet, there is still a part of me – my Achilles' heel –
I know I will melt again at the very sight of you;
for it is you that I always loved
and love you always –
you know –
I will !..


Füsun Atalay ~ Copyright © Will of my Own - 2012

Author tags:

free verse, poetry

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I was visiting my sister in Toronto that summer with my children and husband when an unexpected phone call came for me. I was stunned and couldn't talk much as we were out on our way to the Ontario Marine Land. The rest is all history, but this is what I found recently during cleaning up a small room filled with boxes of my books and pieces of my writing.
Wow! That was great and to find you after all that time. But, what happened next. Did you ever see him again?
Powerful. I have been there.

I love this:

"What I remember of that moment though
is digging my nails into my tanned, thirty something skin
to feel that I was not living one of my recurring dreams –"
I lie Scanner do believe a blog is in order..:)
Cough it up Fusun.:)
we need to know.. :)
This is wonderful....but, the rest please. r
Re your comment about finding this poem recently. I (think I) know the feeling that surged through you all these years later...later than what you feel in the poem. I hope you write about that, from the perspective of now. I've been stumbling upon many things too, wondering what to save, what might hurt others. You've lived and loved so fully, Fusun. It all matters. We leave proof of it behind.
I feel I know you better after reading this wonderful piece. There is a whole world of meaning here.
I like the rawness of this. And that it was true.

Because what I like best is first you do the anger, which is appropriate but more prose and less poetry.

but then, you muse and when you do it becomes poetry, so beautiful and delicate, ringing true and...isn't it funny about poetry. it comes when it comes and there is no denying it. or it's truth.

I feel like this is a sketch. knowing NOW what you know, how to write as you do, you could do a painting with it. (I hope I haven't overstepped here but I see something really special in this early effort.)
Heartfelt words, deep with meaning, laced with longing and sadness yet graced with a quiet beauty.
Such a myriad of emotions so compellingly displayed.
Oh does this bring me back! Rated!
Yes, it is wonderful, and then...? Me want to know. R
Wow, the past and the present become a powerful piece here. You were, even then, quite a writer.

This is a group of feelings I think many of us have. Only you could have written it so beautifully.
u don't pull no punches....i don't think many have your guts.
So tender, Fusun. I ask the same as scanner, did you ever cross paths again?
Thanks to all my friends who have read and asked the same questions so far. I'll beg your patience until my next post in which you'll find the answer to most of your questions - and then some. Stay tuned. :o)
Lovely and tragic. Nicely done.
Well done! Now THIS is a story that I bet many of us know well. I know I do,
Loving more than one....it is possible and even probable. I look forward to reading the following ......
He never forgot you, either. I am with the others and want to know the rest of the story.
The primal and passionate energy that exudes from this piece evoke startling and heartwrenching images of your interaction as if watching from the cocooned balcony of a darkened theatre ~ captivated and holding my breath in anticipation of the next scene ~ I still have a knot in my stomach! Trepidatious prose gives way to wistfully waxing poetic verse, and together they master and capture the moment in the raw.

~R~ Looking forward to "Book II" ;-}
I admire someone like you who can write a poem that goes on and on and remains coherent and engaging. Happy endings aren't always happy, are they?
This should be required reading for anyone who has experienced unrequited love or still carries a torch for a lost love. R
Wow! Regret! I so wish Life would let us cross our fingers and "do over"! Alas, not allowed. Perhaps in our next life??????!
Beautiful, Fusun. Such hunger and longing. I ache with just the reading of it.
Wow! What an amazing poem! I've read it three times already and I'm going to read it again. I'm so glad you kept it - and that you shared it with us.
This is so raw and from your heart. I will read it over and over.
Lots of "wow"s in your comments, for good reason. This is raw and beautiful. Thanks for deciding to share it after all. :)
Please tell the rest of the story. This was so interesting and well written, from beginning to end.
I almost went to out town's watering hole.
I laughed to see fernsy on the OSer Feed.
I love 'bumping' into fernsy ! @ any Blog.
She Blogs
She Behaves
her friends would rather be
served goat milk and bar grub
than just told that they are loved
I have been the one whom one of your sisters married "in order to forget someone else".

I have no understanding of your self indulgent tears. I have no forgiveness in my heart for such a betrayal. I cannot even tolerate the idea that "another man" can be so casually led to believe in your love for him, marry you, support you, father your children, and spend his life loving you, while your heart is elsewhere.

This is one of the very definitions of evil!
Life and regrets. How do we have one without the other? It's nice that you got to see him again.
This was an amazing write, very well put together. Writings are for what is in our hearts, let no one but God be the judge of the life behind the words. Expression can be a surprize and/or a necessary uncovering. Good.
Exquisite and heartbreaking.

I can't imagine many who can't identify with such emotions or envy such a full life, but few can express it as you have. Th. u.
Here's to late love, and forever passion.
Fusun ~ thanks so much for sharing this moving and personal piece from '84! One of the very special things about OS has been reading about what others were involved with at a given time and place. July '84 was a very memorable month for me and it is very special to have connected with another Open Salon regarding what was going on in their life that same month so long ago.
I meant to write: "...with another Open Salon friend regarding..."
I have a hard time cleaning out my closet for that reason. I almost always run into one of those poems, papers or pads with something I couldn't find last time, or meant to put in a place with more of the same.

Then I look at it, wondering, "What the heck...?" Then I start reading. Next thing you know, I'm either wiping tears from my cheeks, or three hours have gone by (or both) and my legs have fallen asleep and I can't easily get up off the floor from the pins and needles of getting my circulation back.

This was about the same for me. I can SO relate to this!

(rated with empathy)
Oh Fusun, I understand this so well that I can't say anything else.
Excellent, as always.
Is there going to be a second part to this saga?
OOOOOOOOOOOOOooooooooooooo. Loved this!
Beautiful! In quite a few ways, I can relate. Ah, hell, it's too easy to love so many....
I don't have much insight in assessing or appreciating poetry Fusun but you've really animated how that one early love can linger for decades. Quite the powerful depiction.
I'm hoping for a happy ending...
This is fantastic and leaves the reader wanting to know more.
I may be completely off base, but I hear no regret here. Instead there is a wistful, nostalgic voice, love, and peaceful acceptance of circumstances, acknowledgment of a love that lasted for a long time in spite of events and expression of all these felings in such a clear, credible voice. I'll read this a few more times later.
What a wonderful poem, I am struck by its open and free style.
No excuses, just deep and true love.
I hope to learn more soon.
rated with love
A beautifully expressed description of a not-uncommon human condition, apparently. R
To live, to love , to remember.......your lucky to express it so vividly.
This is wonderful (and hits very close to home) for me. So what happened?! We all want to know.
So powerful and poignant. I look forward to more.
This is beautiful, I can relate to those feelings since it is a lot like my own life. We were lucky though, we had a chance to grab that gold ring and live out the life we could have missed.
Excellent, FusunA. For me to read it today is tough, but well done.
That's right, Fusun! YOu have to finish this incredible story or we will pop like balloons! R and huggggs.
Yow! This one rocks! Regret, long lost love, some of my favorite themes, and played to perfection.
Reading your memoir is like eating cake.

This is frosting!
Ah, those bit and pieces of our past that show up in those writings we never discard. So glad you hung onto this lovely piece. Already looking forward to that next post where all the questions will be answered (you're committed now). :)
I got here so late and scanned the comments to see that you would write more about this. I will be watching for it...
I cannot wait for more of this.... such an honest piece of writing. Stunning. ~r~
Riveting, and breath-taking.
Totally beautiful, Fusun, and very poignant and so YOU. Rated
Amazing story. Also the image of you as moth and he as flame: powerful; painful.
What might have been will always be the unanswered question. This was so full of emotion and unguarded. What became of your Dutch boy? R
Oh, the angst and dull aches of unfulfilled wishes. Funny how the tides of time are so slow to wear them down and make them disappear. Tick, tick, tick. It seems they are always there.

This was wonderful, Fusun! R
Wonderful Poem, Fusun. Giving him up even temporily must have been so hard. I await the next installment of his story with great interest!
So beautiful and bittersweet, Fusun. Heavy heart...'mas, por favor.'
Confessions are hard but the joy one feels when releasing them is priceless like this.
•.•♥╔╗╦╦╗▄║╔╗╔╗ & ╗╔╗╔╔╗╔╗•(¯ `v´¯ )◦•*✿
•.•♥╚╗║║║╦║╠╝╚╗ & ╠╣║║║╦╚╗(¯` ❤ .¯ )✿
•.•♥╚╝──╚╩╚╚╝╚╝ & ╝╚╚╝╚╝╚╝◦.(_.^._)•*¨✫
❊¸.•*´¨`*•.¸❊¸.•*´¨`*•.¸❊¸.•*´  ¨`*•.¸❊¸.•*´¨`*•.¸❊
Have a beautiful new week with love and happiness❤¸.•*¨✫
This gave me goosebumps! I have the same...only mine is not someone I have known many years but merely minutes it seems in the scheme of things...Thank you so much for sharing...I love reading what you put out there, it is profound, honest and well to the point.
Well...they will have said it all by the time you get down to my 2 cents and I probably agree with most of them. Bless you for letting go! R-espectfully TG.
Stubborn moth, consuming flame...I feel the pain of the longing in your words. It is written beautifully, and impactfully.

One of my recent favorite authors, Trebbe Johnson, writes of the longing found in immaculate love affairs...it is not really about a love of any particular person, but a love found in the fullness of life itself...as we continue to devote ourselves, as you do, to the creative unfolding that is our wholeness and our light...

Go gently,

I had a few boxes filled with things -not as good as this one-but pieces of writings that had some merit. Glad you shared this--kind of a modern updated The Highwayman sort of feel to it.
FunsunA - this is very beautiful. Thank you for sharing it. The heart follows its own wisdom.
OH WOW...this is so true, and beautifully written. xoxo
What a beautiful love story! Reminds me of the first man I fell in love with, but it was unrequitted love. Can't imagine having had a relationship with him that ended. I can feel the pain of loss, of love, of longing in your words. Being able to communicate that is a gift. Thanks for sharing your gift and yourself.
A beautiful poem, that tells a story. I am okay with it being unfinished because, I think, most of our stories are never finished. There is no end and everything we think, and feel, and do are all wrapped up inside our now-older selves and make us this wonderful soupy mix of so many magic instances. You've put the ladle in and pulled out a real gem!
All's been said here, nothing left for me.