Secretary of Defense Leon Panetta enters the office of Pakistan President Asif Ali Zardari...   

Mr. Panetta: 'Ello, I wish to register a complaint.    

Mr. Zardari: We're closing for lunch.    

Mr. Panetta: Never mind that. I wish to complain about the cooperation I purchased from you after the 9-11 attacks, for which I have paid you over 20 billion dollars…    

Mr. Zardari: Oh yes, the, uh, the cooperation...What's, uh...What's wrong with it?    

Mr. Panetta: I'll tell you what's wrong with it, my lad. It’s dead, that's what's wrong with it!    

Mr. Zardari: No, no, it’s uh,...it’s resting.    

Mr. Panetta: Look, matey, I know a lack of cooperation when I see one, and I'm looking at one right now.    

Mr. Zardari: No, no, it's not dead, it’s, it’s restin'! And by the way, the American people love our wonderful rugs, don’t they? Beautiful colors!    

Mr. Panetta: The rugs don't enter into it. The cooperation is stone dead.    

Mr. Zardari: No-no-no-no, no, no! It’s resting!    

Mr. Panetta: All right then, if it’s restin', I'll wake it up! (shouting) 'Ello! Pakistani military! How about rounding up some dangerous militants! How about the fact that Bin Laden was living here right under your noses? HELLO! Testing! Testing! Testing! --Now that's what I call dead cooperation.    

Mr. Zardari: No, no.....No, it’s stunned!    

Mr. Panetta: STUNNED?!?    

Mr. Zardari: Yeah! You stunned it, with your drone strikes.    

Mr. Panetta: Um...now look...now look, mate, I've definitely 'ad enough of this. Our cooperation is definitely deceased, and when I purchased it not ten years ago, you assured me that its total lack of movement was due to it bein' tired and shagged out following a prolonged fight with the Taliban.    

Mr. Zardari: Did I mention our very colorful rugs?     

Mr. Panetta: Forget the rugs! Look, I took the liberty of examining our cooperation when I got it home, and I discovered the only reason you signed the agreement was that we threatened to bomb the hell out of your crappy country. And now I find out our cooperation is dead.      

Mr. Zardari: It’s not dead…it’s pinin’.    

Mr. Panetta: It’s not pinin'! It’s passed on! This cooperation is no more! It has ceased to be! It’s expired and gone to meet 'is maker! It’s a stiff! Bereft of life, it rests in peace! It’s pushing up the daisies! Its metabolic processes are now history! It’s off the twig! It’s kicked the bucket, it’s shuffled off its mortal coil, run down the curtain and joined the bleedin' choir invisibile!! THIS IS AN EX-COOPERATION!!    

(pause)    

Mr. Zardari: Well, I'd better replace it, then. (he takes a quick peek through his desk) Sorry, Mr. Secretary, I've had a look through my files, and uh, we seem to be out of cooperation.    

Mr. Panetta: I see, I see. I get the picture.    

Mr. Zardari: I got a nice rug.    

(pause)    

Mr. Panetta: Pray, does it capture militants?    

Mr. Zardari: N-n-n-not really.    

Mr. Panetta: WELL, IT'S HARDLY A BLOODY REPLACEMENT, IS IT?!!???!!?    

Mr. Zardari: N-no, I guess not. (gets ashamed, looks at his feet)    

Mr. Panetta: Well.    

(pause)    

Mr. Zardari: (quietly) So, does this mean you’re going to stop paying us billions of dollars?    

Mr. Panetta: (sighs) No, I guess not.