#1: Top 10 Lists. With all the top-10 lists proliferating on the Interwebs--top 10 movies of the decade, top 10 books of the year, top 10 numbers between 1 and 10--I think it's important--to me, of course--that I don't give a fuck about any of these things. I mean, sure, I care about what I think are the top 10 books of the decade, but I could not possibly give less of a shit about what you think the top 10 books of the decade are, not, at any rate, without extremely expensive specially-designed giving-less-of-a-shit apparatus. Ordering things into top 10s, while it satisfies a certain desire for neatness and finitude, ignores the fact that in some categories--top 10 most fucktarded Republicans, for example--there really needs to be a top-1,000,000 list, while in some categories--most rational Faux News on-air personality, just e.g.--the list is empty. Plus if you order your list the way I have, from 1 to 10, those from-10-to-1 assholes will come around and fuck you up.
#2: Tiger Woods and Charlie Sheen--No, Wait, Make That Tiger Fucking Woods and Charlie Fucking Sheen. Seriously, are either of these guys US Senators? Did they vote for or against the healthcare bill? No? THEN WHO THE FUCK GIVES A FUCK??? "But, Floyd, they're public figures blah blah bliditty blah. And also? Blah." Seriously, dude, go justify your disgusting prurient interest in people who have done far better than you in the Lottery Of Life somewhere the fuck else, because I don't give even a fuck so submicroscopic that a scanning electron microscope couldn't detect it. You want to know whether or not Tiger's a tiger in the sack, you go fucking fuck Tiger your own self, tiger, and save me having to read and hear about this idiocy on every news outlet in the fucking Western Hemisphere.
#3: Reality Television Assholes Of (Almost) Any Description. Seriously, if you mention that Survivor guy again, I will fucking hurt you. I. Don't. Care. I mean, I like Top Chef, a show that places artistry at the foreground, but competition shows for which the only criterion for winning is...winning? Do please allow me to opine that these shows not only waste the substance of network television's dwindling resources, but that they are a carbuncle on the increasingly carbuncular ass-cheek of humanity. And also? They make Baby Jesus cry. They suggest that triumphing over our fellow poor sods is the onliest way to distinguish ourselves from the vast baa-ing herd that our corporate overlords have rendered us into. Oh, and incidentally: that's just the message that our corporate overlords would like us to receive. Cooperation? Community? A public space for artists and all the others who don't fit a corporatist schema? BZZZZZZZZTTTTTT! You're off the fucking island!
#4: Sports. Seriously, I know I am less of a man for believing this, but these are just games, you know? When your team loses, no one will die. (Although that would catch my interest, and is also the foundation of my own soon-to-be-unveiled sport, DeathBall!™) (Motto: "You can't spell DeathBall!™ without a ! Or a ™, because our lawyers are like fucking blood-crazed piranhas.") (Yeah, it's a little long for the side of a bus, but that's one of the kinks we're working out, along with hygienic disposal of the losing team's charred bodies.) (I'm thinking an intensive advertising campaign: "Human Flesh: the other other white meat.") How is sports--the outcome of games that have no relationship to anything real--news? For god's sake, people fucking watch golf on television. The only thing more boring than playing golf--which you'd need a large team of especially wild horses to drag me to do--is watching other people play golf. How sad and boring must your life be that you would descend to watching other people not get exercise? And why are sports more important to many, perhaps most, people, than issues that directly affect their lives, like healthcare, corporate greed or global warming? It's a distraction, a sleight of hand our corporate masters run to prevent us from toppling their lofty towers, that obviates the need for them to give us even a token of a living. We're one down on the Romans: we've got circuses, but no bread.
#5: Megan Fox, Paris Hilton Or Any Other Celebretard. These people are celebrities because they're...celebrities? I'm agitating my wash by putting it on top of my head while I shake that selfsame head. I include in this list people who used to do stuff and then died. Yo, Mikey! Yo, Farrah! Couldn't possibly care less about you! Have a nice death!
#6: Any Movie With More Explosions Than Lines Of Dialog. Talking to you, here, Transfuckingformers I or II. Plus you've got Megan Fox (q.v., supra, re celebretards) in that piece of shit, and that more or less ensures that I'm falling into a deep coma-like sleep as soon as you mention it, in which state you could steal my iPhone, and that's happened to me enough this year. I mean, I like movies with shit blowing up as much as any psychopath or 12-year-old boy (I know: same thing), and Avatar kind of rocked the whole entire house, but that's because it actually took some time to get you involved with the characters--or manipulate you emotionally; same thing--before it started in to 'splodin'. I know that the "Blow 'Em Up Real Good" flicks cost big bucks and are therefore of interest to the industry, but that doesn't explain why they should be of interest to anyone else.
#7: Sarah Jessica Parker. No good reason; really just on general principles.
#8: Gossip Girl, The Vampire Diaries, Or Indeed Any Shit On the CW. Buffy would have staked every last bitch-vamp on TVD in the first five minutes of the first episode, while they were still practicing looking broody and soulful. (She'd been there, done that, and she was using the t-shirts for cleaning rags.) Word to the CW: Buffy succeeded because it appealed to us elderly types too. Oh, and also? It wasn't boring as shit.
#9: Bitch-Ass Traders, Financial Commentators and Investment Bankers Whining About Socialism. Hey, Cramer, remember how you said the market would crater? Hey, dumbass on CNNFN (I can't be bothered to look up his dumbass name), remember how you ranted from the floor of the Chicago Board Of Trade that the housing crisis was the fault of loser borrowers? Oh, and do you all remember how there was going to be a Great Depression? Well, apparently our socialist President (who is rather to the right of me) managed to prevent that, huh? No screaming tirades about what a kick-ass job he did? Thought not. Also? Shut the fuck up. Forever. The Feds should have confiscated every last penny of the profits you would never have made without TARP funds, you dumbfucks.
#10: All the Many Many Assholes Whose Acquaintance With Reason Is Tenuous At Best. Birthers, of course, for whom no evidence is good enough, and global warming deniers, ditto. Those who blame all our current woes on the President who's been in office for less than a year, rather than the dick who was there for eight. (No, he's not moving fast enough and he's doing some things I think are flat-out wrong. I'm sure you would do much much better; sadly no one voted for you, 'k? Perhaps you could run next time and see how you do.) Tea-baggers (hee!) and Town Hellers. I will say that one group of these morons does strike a chord with me: looking at these fuckwits, I too find it hard to believe that we evolved from apes.