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had to flee Los Angeles, s.o.s, Disgruntled state of Dystopia as the kids say
May 24
miss fernsy if you're nasty. fernsy mae- if you behave
Loooooooooooong story. If compelled to contact, my email is

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MAY 3, 2012 9:35AM

My awesome story about the awesome story Open Call

Rate: 36 Flag

I sniff a new editor. Therefore, I sniff my first and only chance at an Editors Pick before my Birthday. Out of the corner of my gimlet eye, I see this on the Open Salon cover page.

Open Call

Awesome stories for new OS editor

But, with different fancy formatting that I can't recreate.


  All I need now is an awesome story. Jesus, please point me to the story that is awesome. Buddah, get off those  big buns, and make it happen!Jehovah, bear witness once I succeed in this mission of  awesome story.

Someone, anyone! It's awesome story time , and, for once,  I want to stand up and be counted.

I have a good story about a pereodactyl in my toilet, and how we danced all night long, but Kim Gamble kind of stole it.  Why do they let Australians on this site, Emily? Oh, I forgot, Emily might be gone for good, or just " trapping" with LKWalker.

 I have the story about finding that Penguin in my dresser drawer, but that's too sexual. What about the one where that effing Walrus accosted me by the mailbox?

I'm in possesion of some nifty antecdotes and even a super awesome essay.   Do they --wh0moever they mey bey-- mean like literally, "awesome", or new millenium usage of  "awesome"?

 Should I post it only if I can assure it will totally inspire awe in the masses, is what I'm saying. If I do pull this off,  should I open an account with adsense?

 Well, what should I do?


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awesome, wouldn't you say?
Godspeed, intrepid warrior of words! Onward with thy awesome story venture. The greatest of ideas shall come unto you and you shall write it my friend, you shall. Now, write that awesome story, do!
This is one awesome post! You can sit back and wait. EP's a coming.
I hate when people leave without saying good-bye.
Awesome, by the way. xo
Is this a re-post?
Erika: I didn't tell you about the Walrus, at the meetup, did I? You write that awesome story too . We will do a two woman show soon, titled, "Simply Awesome." xo.
Jlsathre: It's been nearly a half hour and still no EP. If this doesn't get an EP soon I will go to Zoomers!
Joan: It is awesome,isn't it? She said goodbye to me. Sorry ;>(
I knew a guy who ate light bulbs, and shot glasses for tips....
alsoknowas: Yes. But, since we have an awesome new editor, I figured it was ok.
I'm allergic to awesomeness.
I retract: you have already written the most awesome story that ever was, now write another and as surely as night follows day, the EP will follow.
GaryJustis: Not wise but certainly awesome. Must have had to pay a lot for a plumber.
Cranky: Grouch! I will delete you! I've recently embraced awesomeness and it rocks.
Erica: I plan to collect EP's as if they were candies!
I want to hear about the walrus and penguin! Something about finding something in your dresser drawers and heading off immediately to post a mysterious letter ...

you always gotta go with the Walrus story

@Gary Justis

Mildly curious, out of which end did he shoot the glasses?
What does "trapping" in quotes mean? Is it something sexual, as in "penguins" in our "drawers"?

"BTW," as a teacher, I would like to "throttle" my colleagues who use words like "awesome!" and "amazing!" in just about every other sentence. Was it the self-esteem movement that did away with all nuance in our language?
Scarlett: I can't post those until I get permission from my erotica publisher. Suffice it to say that there was a lot of grunting.
This story was "awesome," meaning I liked it and forgot to rate.
Herr R to the R: I suspect you are correct. Teaser: The walrus was very rude. As for Gary J's comment: Good question!
Snippy: What is up with that insane overusage of awesome and amazing. What is that about? Now, I'm hearing things like that's "super awesome" in reference to paper plates. Hellooooo!
Trapping? It's a new vegan stress reliever, I'm guessing.
I am beginning to believe in good faeries and strange cloud formations.
Jesus was in my scrambled eggs this morning..
I found out the botox injections came from a hog farm....

The list is endless.
All awesome of course...
Write some fiction about skinning a squirrel and making it into a hat and a shrine out of the remaining body parts while meditating in the lotus position. I suggest this because an uninformed source has confided in me that LKWalker will be the next Ed. I. Tor. May the gods of irony have pity on our souls.
I have always felt very awestruck when in your blog presence.

but I wasn't sure if it was you, or that I had hit my head on a cabinet door. I do that a lot.
Snippy: I aim at presenting modesty but must admit that this story was awesome. Thanks for agreement.
Mission: I wrote a piece using your name yesterday. Jesus in scrambled eggs is commonplace, in my experience. The rest: sorta awesome only ;>)
Chicken Maan: It wouldn't be fiction, sorry to reveal. I wanted my mother to wear it for her birthday tribute but she loves squirrels too much. So that's the new Ed. I. Tor? Figures.

FoolishMonkey: I can wish those cabinet doors shut from over here. Awesome? I think yes. You merely have to ask.
That damned rooster. Shoulda labeled his comment speculative fiction.
After three years on OS, I'm pretty much out of awesome story ideas. I should have paced myself a little better.

But I wish you the best of luck! I have faith in you.
Damn. I have no response. Other than YOU ARE AWESOOOOOME!!! And I like your new avatar...
I never doubted it.

but those doors...I KNEW you would!

you are SO awesome!
Let's both flounce just before our upcoming birthdays on the principle that an editor actually used the word "awesome" in hopes to entice us. Why doesn't that word just go away? And take "edgy"with it?
Matt: It that what they are calling non fiction, nowadays?
JeannetteDemain: We couldn't have know that we'd get this editor who would want our awesome stories. Thanks for the faith.
BP: no! You are awesome.
Ms.Monkey: Windows too, I swear.
There is something all too weird about all of this.
Instead if writing I think you should put on your Nancy Drew hat and find out what;s going on to quote Marvin Gaye.
We're all awesome and edgy. EP'S FOR ALL!
Oh, I don't know, last LK EP was about teaching sexuality to young Marines or something in the guise of teaching a yoga class, except LK got some basic yoga 101 stuff all wrong and...haven't seen LK or her writing since.

Maybe a post on trappers' sexuality and the eroticism of jagged steel.....?? That oughtta' get you on the front page if you get the proper titillating title....hmmm.
'Titillating Title.'
I like it.
I'm with Joan H. What happened? ... In any case, I have complete faith in you and your ability to tell an awesome story, and to get an EP for said awesome story. :)
I hope Buddah gets off his big buns and delivers a non-sexual penguin tale of suitable awesomeness to your drawer, er door. EP here we come! ps if you get your EP don't write a snotty post about it. You will never get another. I did and never got another. R
You speak the language of the devil with the grace of an angel. You will of course fail, but at such a task as this, failure is it's own success.
It looks like the awesome open call has been pulled! That's too bad, because I did have the most awesome of all awesome stories, but now I don't think I'll share it, because it is possible to overdose on awesomeness.
Dreidel: I wish we could. I wish principle was that strong. I am OS's bitch and even this obscene awesome open call won't make me flounce. I won't let you flounce either.
Linda: Yesterday I had edith bunker. Today, Marvin Gaye. It is weird. Now, that open call is missing.
Myriad: Yes!
JT: Hee hee. I got to find that yoga post . Tittalating titles about trapping tigers? I'd bet LK is harrassing tofu somewhere.
Deborah: And, I in you. What did Joan say and where? She and you are awesome.
GeraldA: If I get one I'll die of shock and not write a word. The story behind your self destructive and snotty post sounds awesome. Good to see you.
How YOU Doin'? - an interview with Jesus, Buddha and Jehovah

by fernsy.
No. Really, this isn't awesome. This is Incredibleness, itself.
Just saw Linnnn's comment ~ grab it !
Too late ~ they changed it back to Stand Your Ground Open Call ...
... still, maybe how would Jesus, Buddha, Jehova stand their ground ?

by Fernsy.
The light beamed from under the new editors door as he/she/it contemplated the vast body of work that was..... "fernsy"..... unable to choose.....arg!
DougSock: How did I miss such a compelling comment? Thank you, I think. No need to tell you that I've missed you and that you are awesome.
Linn: Kim says I should. So I will. I wanted to say, " Jesus get off your cross there is an awesome story open call!" but thought that tacky.
Kim: awesome story theif! Your Periodactly(sp?) was more violent but still. Yep, they got rid of it. Will have to think more of how Buddah, Jehovah, and Jesus would stand thier ground. hmmm. Finger to nose(copyright kim gamble) thanks for the inspiration.
AsiaR! Is that the reason? I like. Good to see you.
I meant Doug Socks!
The penguin story, pleeeeeease! R
Just an emosewa post, Fernsy.
I want the penguin story, pls.
fernsy--Tell them about that time you planted the bug and camera behind the clock in the salon office, a certain show business (or was it political?) luminary walked in and they all screamed "AWESOME!"

No one but you really knows what happened next. . . . .
Toth: It's really hardcore. It will expose the Arctic as a haven for orgiastic frenzy. I'll try to post it at night.
SafeBetsAmy: Dyslexia or are you trying to say this post fails at awesomeness? Either way, thanks.
Trudiejackson: The dirty level of this story might get my account pulled. As I told Toth, one spring night -- I just might.
ChicagoGuy: twas a politician with a show biz girlfriend. What happened next was that I said, " I know. It is awesome" and every one went home. Thanks for reminding me . Do you remember any stand your ground stories of mine?
The "awesome stories for the new OS editor" has been removed from the front page. On FB, somebody had just been in contact with Emily to get her accidentally deleted blog restored. I suspect that there was no change in editor, but that someone was making a little mischief. I like mischief!
I think you're allowed to lower the normal awe-bar for awesome these days, as in my StrawBana smoothie is awesome!
fernsy--Do I remember any of your stand your ground stories? Of course I do! You OWN those stories. I don't want to get too detailed but there was that time with the pelican, the polar bear and the Burger KindgManager? Then there was the incident with Callista Gingrich. . .but I know you never talk about that. . . .
Burger KING. . .or maybe it was Carl's Jr. . . .sorry. Callista gets me flummoxed.
Cranky: ooooh. That's delicious . I know you like that misheif, Cranky. I want to change my name to Fernsy Chiff so I can be called Ms. Chiff. The person who comitted that mischief is my hero.How funny that is.
ConC: The bar for awesome is officially on the floor. Heard it ten times on TV, in the last hour!?
ChicagoGuy:It was Jack in the Box. Close. The Jack in the Box manager turned out to be gay( which was strange since he was a polygamist.) They are lifting the gag order on Callista Gingrich, that witch,next month. I'll be able to rag on her with impunity. She ran me over with her range rover, and I didn't stand my ground, basically. Nice that you listen, Chicago Guy. Bless your heart.
What does the new editor smell like?
fernsy i fear that nary a pumpkin sleeps, but waits fitfully for the stroke of midnight and the call of the wild, from whence the new and improved Buddha will from his big buns arise... ommmmmm
That Open Call is down. Me thinks it was a hoax; but get thee to a keyboard and start writing that awesome story anyways. R
Leepin: She smells like spam.
InvertedO: You heard right. Ommm to you senor grande.
Trudge: That would be my favorite hoax ever. Will do. Thanks, Trudge.
I am not surprised Kim Gamble stole your story, do we really know who he is ? Maybe he isn't the illustrator of the Tashi books at all but a ninety year old widow who has managed to pull the wool over our eyes.
Awesome is as awesome does, or so sayeth the Lster. Carry on. :D

Which midnight?

you must know of AWE.
1."an overwhelming feeling of reverence, admiration, fear, etc., produced by that which is grand, sublime, extremely powerful, or the like: in awe of God; in awe of great political figures.
Archaic . power to inspire fear or reverence.
Obsolete . fear or dread. "

I would personally go obsolete & archaic, because of
the nostalgia craze, which is currently ruling the hollywood world
and hopefully the literary world.

go to the classics, like, uh, scarlett letter, &rewrite em.

from n. hawthorne's "Scarlett Letter":

"The scarlet letter was her passport into regions where other women dared not tread. Shame, Despair, Solitude! These had been her teachers — stern and wild ones, — and they had made her strong, but taught her much amiss.
Chapter XVIII: A Flood of Sunshine
So not awesome how slow the server is
Rita: Kind of went against the whole dashing male illustrator with Anna imagery.But, hey, I hear it's some brain food to ponder such uncertainties.
Lezlie: The Lster? I like it. It works.
Phyllis:midnight this saturday. Thanks fellow awesome.
James: Awe rocks is what I'm understanding.
I haven't been on OS much these past few days, but I did have a glimpse at the "Awesome" OC you're referring to, before it disappeared...odd indeed.

You are such an awesome person yourself that no matter what you come up with for the OC, it will surely be awesome! Of course, now that the OC has vanished, will you still go through with it?
I seem to remember that you hate the word "awesome."
Alysa: So funny that it vanished and none of use know why. I think it still lit a fire -- all of will want our stories to be awesome for a long while.
Bellwether: That word is the bane of my existence. Not since the word "beat" was used in my college days has a word rankled me so. I'm hoping that slowly but surely this word will get phased out. I can't take it any longer,frankly.