And so it goes.....

A life enjoyed is a life worth living

expressyourself

expressyourself
Location
Amsterdam/Toronto, Netherlands/Canada
Birthday
July 04
Bio
I started this blog as a reaction to my mother's getting ill. It was so fast and immediate, that I had to react somehow, and for whatever reasons, this seemed like a good place to do it. I thought that I would lose her almost immediately, or within a month or two, and I was freaking out. Fortunately, her doctors prescribed a course of chemotherapy treatment that has extended her life, and although I am painfully aware that her life is precious and may be cut short at any minute, things have relaxed into the grind of chemo treatments, and the cycle of low energy, to feeling weak, but somewhat better. So now I find myself interested in writing about other things. I think about writing a lot, but I don't seem to write that much. I'm hoping to change the balance of that equation.

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Salon.com
MARCH 3, 2009 11:26PM

My Mother is Terminally Ill, and I am a Selfish Ass

Rate: 8 Flag

My mother is sick,

And I want to go shopping and buy lots of stuff.

 My mother is sick, 

and all I can think about is what I will eat next.

 My mother is sick, 

And all I can do is watch her sleep.

 My mother is sick 

and all I can think about is how her illness affects ME.

 My mother is sick

and all I can do is wonder how will  I  ever clear out her house.

 My mother is sick, 

And I'm wondering when will I see my husband again.

 My mother is sick,

And I'm wondering what movie I should see tonight.

 My mother is sick, 

And I'm wondering why am I getting stomach pain, when she's the one with the cancer.

My mother is sick, 

And I'm wondering how I will live without her.

My mother is sick

And all I can do is give her foot massages.

 My mother is sick, 

And all I can do is tell her bad jokes and try to make her laugh. 

 My mother is sick

and all I can do is get her to take one more drink of water.

 My mother is sick, 

And all I can do is lie with my head on her lap and cry while she strokes my hair.

 My mother is sick, 

And I'm  wondering why am I here? She doesn't need me, she needs people around her who can really help.

My mother is sick, 

And all I can do is sit there, knitting a hat while I watch her sleep.

My mother is sick,

And I am her child, helpless. 

Author tags:

cancer, coping, illness

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Comments

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You're there- I failed my mother when she was dying, & I'll never ever forget it. Your post took me back 8 years like it was yesterday. Very evocative, even if I don't knit.
I think everyone feels helpless to some degree in those situations. I know I do. My mother is still healthy, but she has dementia and I can tell you that you just being there for her means a tremendous amount. I've never been any good around sick people, just ask my husband!
oh god.. made me cry here, didnt expect this. We all do what we can and you are doing it.
You are doing enough. I would imagine your crying while she strokes your hair is just what she needs.
Honest, real, loving, and rated
No matter what you do, it will never feel like enough. But it is.
I signed back in to rate this. I'm tearing up at the images and emotions you related. Nicely done.
It never does feel like 'enough'. Ever.
There is no ministry greater than the ministry of your presence. And while it may not look like much, and certainly not enough, now, it is. There is nothing she needs now more than your presence.

Monte
Feeling your pain... rated
I've been there, I AM there. It's hard to see anything positive in this situation. I keep looking. I remember sitting with my mom at Stanford for DAYS just wanting to be home with my husband and daughters and sleeping on the floor and crying and feeling selfish because I wanted to be with them and instead I was just punching a button so Mom could have morphine to make her pain go away. And then a doctor came in and scolded me and accused me of trying to kill Mom by overdosing her and I broke down in tears until a nurse came in, told me the doctor was an asshole, and that I couldn't have killed my mother and then I was okay except I kept eating peanut butter cups and french fries for dinner. What I'm trying to say is, You are not failing your mother. You are there for her, and you're entitled to miss your husband and crave food and want to get away. Because you are her child. And you can't fix everything. Peace to you, and hang in there.
I have been there. My mother has cancer hers is under control now. But I had some feels that it would never end and I was an only child which makes it hard to handle. I hope she get better and I give you all her strength to help you deal. Thanks for sharing. Totzaon