Evan Kessler

Evan Kessler
Brooklyn, New York, USA
November 04
I am an American Fool. I was born in a small town and I can breathe in a small town. Come on baby make it hurt so good. Sometimes love don't feel like it should.


The year was 1985, Ronald Reagan was a good 9 months into his second term in the oval office and my 1st grade class at Lime Kiln elementary school in the town of Suffern, New York was learning about the electoral process whereby “We the People” chose the leaders responsible for setti… Read full post »
Editor’s Pick
DECEMBER 28, 2010 2:51PM

Just So You Know, Everywhere Else Kinda Sucks

Two months ago I booked a vacation to a distant swath of land well outside the borders of the United States. Soon after making my travel arrangements I noticed that my journey, scheduled for February 20 til March 10 of 2011, was in conflict with the expiration date on my passport.Read full post »

Editor’s Pick
DECEMBER 10, 2010 1:14PM

I Held A Baby

A particularly wondrous thing about life is that no matter how old you are, you’re provided with an infinite amount of opportunities to contribute to the vast catalogue of first-time experiences. First kiss, first through-the-legs windmill jam, first trip to solitary confinement&/Read full post »


It was a momentous occasion in the Senate today as Republicans took a stand in the form of a strongly-worded letter to their helpless Democrat counterparts stating that no legislation shall pass until more of the nation's tax dollars were pledged to bail out the Yachting and P/… Read full post »

Editor’s Pick
NOVEMBER 24, 2010 9:31AM

Black Friday Sale on Common Sense


Black Friday 2008 4am Outside Circuit City

Thanksgiving Day is a great opportunity to spend time with family and friends, watch football, and ultimately pig out on Turkey and various other accoutrements. But when the holiday ends all of that food we shoveled down our gullets does more than

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Victory. What does it smell like? Well, up until recently I might have defined it as the perfect fall Sunday; calm winds swirling in a grassy arena of combat; the hint of that dead leaves in the air as brut strength collides with brut strength above mud-filled… Read full post »

AUGUST 6, 2010 1:52PM

Crockett & Subs

I have a lot of brilliant ideas. Ask me some time, I’ll share some of them with you. The latest stroke of genius inspired by some form of secular divinity came about the other day as I was wandering the streets of Brooklyn

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AUGUST 2, 2010 10:44AM

What a Dump!

There are a lot of vivid memories retained from my childhood Springs, Summers, and Autumns spent in the Hamptons.  Most of them bleed together in a recollected blur encompassing one long summer that saw me grow from the ages of 4 to

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JULY 20, 2010 7:55PM

White Christmas?

Human genetic oddities can often be explained when they spawn such rare wonders as a third nipple, a tail, and even ginger kids with a soul; but today's revelation that a black Nigerian couple living in the UK gave birth to a blonde-haired, blue-eyed baby girl seems to… Read full post »

MAY 18, 2010 12:04PM

Blumenthal's 'Nam


 I've been hearing a lot of people yammerin' on callin' Democratic Senatorial Candidate for the State of Connecticut Richard Blumenthal's Vietnam war experience into question. A lot of people don't think the Connecticut Attorney General knows anything about being in 'Nam despite his/… Read full post »

APRIL 16, 2010 12:19PM

The Organ Harvest




The headline read, “Number of living organ donors on the decline.” I don’t know why it caught my eye. I’ve never been in the position where anyone I knew needed an organ. I don’t even know my blood type, so even if I were acquainted with someone…

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APRIL 13, 2010 5:52PM

The Frugal Gourmet: A Tax Day Dinner

I will not be receiving a tax refund this year.  In fact, I owe the IRS a good deal of money.  So as much as I'd love to splurge on a fancy feast or gather ingredients to cook up a delicious recipe for tax day; I will instead be dining an… Read full post »

APRIL 13, 2010 1:21PM

Fighting The Front Butt


Picture 4


At the dawn of my adolescence, I was quite an inquisitive child. I enjoyed reading about Presidential History and random entries in my outdated Encylopaedia Britannica acquired prior to the fall of the Berlin Wall. My mind wasn’t solely occupied with factual details of th…

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Let's see what's in the news today, Open Salon readers...Have you seen this? Have you heard about this? Jay Leno returned to late night last night, but his chin came back the night before.

So, Did anyone see the Tonight Show With Jay Leno last night? Rumor has… Read full post »

FEBRUARY 23, 2010 2:04PM

Still Feeling Blue?

Do you constantly have the urge do paint your skin blue and have sex with the earth and its creatures while wearing 3D glasses? Were you disappointed on your last trip to the book store when you found out Rosetta Stone doesn’t make a Na’vi edition? Do you refer to your

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FEBRUARY 2, 2010 10:30AM

Kristen Bell Engaged To Not You




If you hear the sound of wedding bells off in the distance, there's a good chance that feint chiming sound is emanating from Hollywood, California.  Actress Kristen Bell's publicist confirmed yesterday that the When In Rome star is engaged to marry someone other than yours… Read full post »

DECEMBER 25, 2009 1:13PM

Christmas Day At Gary Cherone's House

Roooah! It's a great day to be alive and Gary Cherone, 3rd lead singer of Van Halen and lead singer of Extreme, of course(stretching arms above head). 




Oh man, I almost forgot, it's not just any great day to be Gary Cherone.  It's Christmas Day!

I hope… Read full post »

DECEMBER 1, 2009 11:02AM

What's A Minaret?

In recent days, I've heard a lot of talk about a Swiss ban on Minarets.  My initial reaction was that any ban undertaken by the Swiss must be warranted.  After all if those highly neutral Swiss have taken to prohibiting something it must really be bad for you.  

I don't… Read full post »

Editor’s Pick
NOVEMBER 18, 2009 2:08PM

Not That There's Anything Wrong With That

I'm not one for skilled first date small talk.  I too often err on the side of the irreverent.  While some potential mates want to talk about career, ambition and strength of familial relations during that getting to know all about you phase ; my affections are ultimately won over by… Read full post »

Editor’s Pick
NOVEMBER 18, 2009 1:08PM

RIP Quizmaster 72: Ken Ober 1957-2009

Li'l Evan Kessler wasn't like the other kids.  MTV mattered and not much else did.  Sure, I watched shows like Perfect Strangers, Family Ties, and Growing Pains, but between episodes of Pinwheel, You Can't Do That on Television and network appointment TV, most of that broadcast space was fi… Read full post »

Editor’s Pick
NOVEMBER 2, 2009 11:36AM

A Message from Diddy: Vote or Die '09

Was up y’all.  This is Diddy as you all know…and if you don’t know, now you know.  And if you didn’t know just then; you probably know me in one of my other incarnations P Diddy, Puffy, Puff Daddy, Sean “Puffy” Combs.  Anyway, don’t call me t/… Read full post »

Editor’s Pick
OCTOBER 21, 2009 3:33PM

Hoaxes Highlight Accountability Issues with Real-Time Web

There are some days in which the real-time web proves its own absolute relevance by breaking news as it happens at almost the immediate moment of impact, as evidenced in the recent election struggles in Iran.  Then there are days like today; days when the act of receiving pertinent updates on… Read full post »

OCTOBER 20, 2009 11:00AM

Open Letter To The Olive Vine Cafe




Dear Olive Vine Cafe,

I don't know if you're aware of this, but I already have your menu. You see two days ago, as I was arriving home, I found two or three of them stuffed inside my mailbox.  They went straight into my recycling bin seeing as… Read full post »

How do you get to Carnegie Hall? Practice!  Or if you’re Steve Martin, you get there by being one of the more talented human beings in nearly all facets encompassed by the arenas of stage, screen, and the written word in recent memory.  The ability to

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Editor’s Pick
AUGUST 18, 2009 2:15PM

The Favrian Era Refuses To End


Favre Again


True story. A year and a half ago, on a rainy March afternoon  in Canton, Ohio; I was standing in between a New York Giants case display and an Brett Favre jersey at the Pro Football Hall of Fame when I heard an elementary school child shout across… Read full post »