Forgiveness is something I think about frequently. The hows, and the whys, and the very nature of the act. The dictionary definition of forgiveness is to "pardon" someone. I used to be a very forgiving person. Years ago, a close friend asked me in disbelief, "When does self-preservation kick in for you?" after I regaled him with my latest shop of horrors. A boyfriend could treat me badly and I would say "no problem." A friend would borrow money and not pay it back even when asked, and I didn't drop them. An editor or colleague would do something cruel and I brushed it off. I was always ready to make peace quickly and to move forward. I'm not as instantly forgiving any more. Life is cumulative, and burdens get heavier.
For the past several years, but especially the past two, I have struggled mightily to forgive my demented mother for marrying a terrible man who stole her money, isolated her, alienated her children and drove one of them to near suicide, and continues to this day to treat her without respect or kindness. As for him, I will never forget his actions since they inform my daily life, but I had to forgive him a little because hating him was eating my soul. I can now limit my contact with him, and I do. Limiting contact with my mother isn't good for her or me, and I continue to see her regularly.
It's depressing to visit her at the care home where she obsessively hides everything only to later accuse the staff of stealing her belongings. I usually take her out for a walk, a drive, a coffee, or a glass of wine to avoid those conflicts, but also to avoid her husband. I have learned not to argue with her when she insists that she has "never noticed" him yelling at her, physically abusing her, stealing from her, or being vicious to her children and friends, of which she now has none. I am her only visitor and that isn't likely to change. It is probable that I will never understand how this good-natured, still-attractive at 80-years-old woman loves such an awful man. All I can do is love her, and forgive her. I try, anyway.
Toxic ties that bind
There is a difference between forgiveness and refusing to interact with toxic people. I have cut two toxic people out of my life in recent years, each after more than 20 years of friendship. It was not easy to do. I am not sure if I've forgiven them, or if caring just became too much hard work. It is more difficult to do that with family members. Why is it harder to forgive someone you love, even when you desperately want to? I think it's because the sense of betrayal is that much greater, the pain deeper. Forgiveness requires discipline and courage, and most of all, a willingness to let go.
Lately I have been working on forgiving myself for a plethora of perceived failures, some real, some justifications for not moving forward. I have proven to be my hardest subject yet. I hang onto self blame as if it were a life raft on the stormy North Atlantic. Slowly, slowly, I am learning to let go of that raft of self-defeating beliefs, those old tapes of recrimination and shame. They serve no useful purpose but they are comfortable and always there. Forgiveness is the path to the person I want to become, and it must be chosen willfully, not at random. It is the key to present and future happiness if I only I will cooperate. To quote Paul Boese, "Forgiveness does not change the past, but it does enlarge the future."
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I don't know how to fix this situation with your mother and her "husband," but I do know that it is time to "save yourself" and much of that has to do with "letting go."
denese
I don't beat myself up over it. But I'll tell you Emma, I wish I had overcome my own discomfort, my own angst and made a better case to me, to her for us to be close again, particularly in her last years.
So I envy you, that you can do this...push past whatever your past feelings have been towards her and her choices and are allowing yourself to just love her.
My mother is gone now. And I miss her so terribly. I keep her ashes because I it's as close as we could ever be. I just wish I could have, I wish she would have let me, when she was alive.
Nor do I agree with the school of thought that you should forgive the "person" not the action. Just as my scars make me who I am, certain actions define the person, as well.
I guess this is the crux of it for me: You called certain people toxic. I prefer the term evil. Evil can not be forgiven.
P.S. The person who had the open call was PattyJane.
@denese: You are spot on about the "being right" part. That is the hardest thing of all to let go.
@Foolish Monkey: I am glad I made the decision I did, but it is not always easy. My mother lets me get as close as she can given her dementia, but we were never that close. In some ways, we are closer now because she is less inhibited. I am sure your mother appreciated you more than she expressed. Some people just can't let others in.
@Safe_Bet's_Amy: I hear you. I've just reached the point where I am too tired to keep fighting, especially with myself!
@Bonnie: Love the Plexiglass line. That is where I would prefer to see my mother's hubby if I had my way.
I appreciated where your thoughts took me. Forgiveness is so hard.
Very sage. How does one know if we've forgiven a person, and how do we go about getting there? Those are the questions that occur to me.
"Why is it harder to forgive someone you love, even when you desperately want to? I think it's because the sense of betrayal is that much greater, the pain deeper."
I agree.
An excellent quote at the end.
Forgiveness is the key, this is true, but as you note it is not easy and not without some consequences attached to it.
"Just as my scars make me who I am, certain actions define the person, as well."
To an extent I agree with you, but behavior can be changed and mentalities that cause destructive acts eradicated.
I wouldn't say it "defines" a person, but rather "outlines" them or "illustrates" them. There is coming off of the cliff, there is change and healing that can take place in these people that I would agree are "evil" in many cases. Though I would never argue that all people are capable of it, but that only because these people do not want to change and do not want to confront their own actions and the effect they have on others.
@nanatehay: We are alike in some ways. I'm quick to anger, but I usually don't hold grudges. That said, there are a few toxic people at OS that I haven't come to terms with, and that is a source of frustration for me.
@Thanks, dynomyte.
@snarkychaser: That is so, so true. We can only control ourselves, and who we let get close to us.
@Karin: I know you do. And "elegant writer" -- blushes.
@sweetfeet: Thanks, I could always be better to my mom. I am still working through some childhood issues with her -- I am not a saint by any means!
@roy: It's so funny you should mention that post. After I read your comment, I went back and read it and noticed that I used some of the same phrases and expressions. This one is much less angry as you noted, and for that I am grateful.
@Gabby Abbey: I don't have any answers. Only questions!
@Lisa: I was thinking about you and your situation as I was writing this. It's been 3 years of hell for me but I think I've finally turned a corner and feel OK (mostly) about things. Mom's hubby is still vile though. I felt like throttling him when he yelled at her yesterday and then pretended that he "couldn't help himself" with a mean smirk. My mantra is to tell him to stop, and then let it go.
@L'Heure Bleu: I went through that same phase of wondering if I was the "last friend" when I stopped contact with a female friend of 25 years. I'm not, but she is getting perilously close.
Thanks for showing us this.
@FusanA: That would be a very interesting cup of coffee I am sure. My very post on OS was about this family situation. It just poured out of me.
@mypsyche: I like that "hazmat" suit idea. That is how it feels sometimes. I approach forgiveness with intention, otherwise I will lose it altogether.
Being embittered only eats away at oneself. It can be a tough path but I know personally through forgiveness I have been able to lay a few burdens. The last quote is right, about enlarging the future. And I might add, the present as well.
@Scarlett Sumac: Your comment is insightful. I don't think I could do this current work on myself (with the help of an incredible coach) if I hadn't been able to forgive my mother and to some extent, her husband.
Thank you!
There are people who are incapable of making reasonable choices (for whatever reason), and you aren't one of them. If you've made unreasonable choices, you are capable of looking back, understanding why, deconstructing. When you realize what a GIFT it is -- that ability -- is the day you forgive everyone who can't see that, feel that, achieve that. Doesn't mean you have to suffer them, but you do understand the gift of self-awareness.
Lezlie
One of my favorite quotes along those lines is this: "He (or she) who angers you controls you."
I remember this whenever someone hurts me, intentionally or not. I rage against the idea that anyone has any right to control me, so it works for me.
I had an evil step-mother who I will soon write about when I write about my father. She has been the hardest person to forgive because I blame her for my father's untimely death. But he is gone and never coming back, so every day I have to let go.
@maria heng: Forgiveness has definitely come in increments for me. Wanting to do it is the first, and hardest step, and is itself an achievement as you say.
@Bellwether Vance: I'm not sure all my choices have been reasonable, but I do have the "gift," and a precious one it is.
@Lezlie: Total forgiveness is something I might expect of the Daliai Lama, not us mere mortals!
@Kat: I know about the letting go every day part. I resolved that my mother's husband would not control my actions and I have felt much better ever since. I look forward to reading your piece about your father.
I left therapy when I reached a point of acceptance.
I think a seed of forgiveness was planted in me when a world-famous medium, James Van Praagh, actually 'chanelled' my deceased parents in front of an audience of 1500 people at an Omega event. Van Praagh said that their only wish was for my forgiveness. They offered their apologies as well.
Wow.
I am a skeptic, and I don't want to get into that. But it may have planted a seed in me when a few years later I found some family photos that I had not torn and thrown away. My parents were youngsters in the pictures, and smiling,
I scanned and printed them placed them in small frames. I stared at them until I remembered that there were some good times too. I am able to look at these laughing photos and smile wordlessly now. I can laugh with them.
I've never used the words "I forgive," because what they did was unforgivable. But I can feel some kind of warmth come out of those photos, and I can return it. Maybe that is forgiveness.
And I can borrow your words: All I can do is love them.
Thanks for your thoughts words on such a profound topic.
My last experience with therapy, several years back was with a wise elderly woman, here, who taught me about forgiving the person, although not accepting their aberrant behavior.
Separating the person from the behavior seems to be the key, and I'm still working on that.
-R-
@bob skye: You're welcome. I am glad that you were able to salvage some feelings for your parents. The pictures were a stroke of genius.
@SheilaTGTG55: You're right. We just have to live the best way we can find.
@Bernadine: Thanks!
@rita: Writing this is part of my healing. I'm glad that you liked it.
@Jan: For me, forgiving, if not forgetting, is a big part of what I have to do. I think it's different for different people. But yes, I do focus on what's important to me and try not to dwell on things that are done, or that I have no control over.
@rainee: I am working on choosing what I want in my life as opposed to reacting to events. That is much more powerful and freeing.
@Dorinda: Right back at ya. xo
@Stellaa: It doesn't work that way for me. For example, my father is dead and I have long since forgiven him for being absent in my childhood, and an abusive alcoholic on occasion. That he isn't around to reciprocate doesn't lessen my feelings of peace in the matter. Similarly, it doesn't matter to me that my mother's husband doesn't know that I no longer spend my nights plotting revenge or even his untimely death. What matters is that I feel better. He's not even the issue here. Now if my husband were to do something terrible, and I wanted to forgive him, it would be important for me for him to understand that so we could work it out.
@markinjapan: Thank you. I think your therapist was onto something. That's essentially how I approach my mother's husband.
@Mary: I'm glad you liked it.
@dianaani: You got it right. The recriminations tend to be self directed, and unproductive. They are incredibly destructive.
@Robin: Thanks for visiting.
This is very very good. I identify with it on a personal level due to a similar experience within my own family, but this spare and thoughtful piece, as usual, puts it out there perfectly.
Someone like me....I want to make it all better, so I forgive when I should not.....but not always.
For me, forgiveness does not exclude holding people accountable.
Forgiveness is not absolving people of their crimes. It is recognizing them and moving on, if possible.
In my experience, I might forgive, but the really bad stuff, I never forget. People should be accountable and responsible for bad behaviour.
I don't think forgiveness has to be a two way street. Sometimes people slip into dementia or even die totally unaware that they have been forgiven. This has happened to me.
The forgiver can be set free, unbeknown-st to the forgivee.
"Forgiveness is the odor which the trampled flower gives out to bless the foot which crushes it."
R_
Your close ~ working on forgiving yourself ~ is probably the best thing one can do, and the way you write it is profound. I wanted to pull out a quote but really, the entire last paragraph is perfect.
I don't remember what it was about
either, but we're friends again
and that's all that matters now
Rated and Tink picked!!!! (I know, TP is worth zilch on the open market!!!! But....:) )
Most of us don't realize how totally hard we are on ourselves. It's chronic, actually. So many constant little chiding voices. Really, how can we expect to forgive anyone if we can change that internal bullshit? Though, as you pointed out, it requires diligence and hard-work - constant monitoring and altering of thoughts.
Recently I asked someone to apologize to me for a wrongdoing. I don't think I'll get it but I'm glad I asked for it. I realized that simply me asking for it was a huge hurdle for me to overcome - I had to validate my pain in the first place, feel worthy of a grand and beautiful apology, envision it, ask for it, cry for it - regardless of whether I get it.
Of course, nothing beats someone apologizing, kissing it and making it better. The flip side of me rails and says, "Why the fuck is it so hard anymore for people to simply acknowledge what they've done wrong? Are we fucking human or are we just bags of useless water?" Seriously. The last time I did something wrong...guess what I did? I apologized! Novel, huh? Because I was taught to do that. More than taught, it's part of my human nature.
Sometimes forgiveness comes after explosiveness. People act like forgiveness is such a pretty act. It can be quite ugly to get to that point. A real trial by fire.
I've heard the term "radical self-acceptance." I think somewhere therein lies the answer.
I can so understand and relate to what you are saying. Forgiveness of wrongs done to us, by people we love and care about, isn't easy at all. Takes a lot of discipline, you can forgive someone in your heart, and let go of the wrong that was done. Sometimes you have to forgive them in your heart and detach them from your life, because being around toxic people, it destroy you. The bitterness, hatred, hurt and pain and anguish, of holding on to all that can and does eat you alive, sometimes faster than cancer.
The "Act of Letting Go" and moving forward in life, is sometimes the hardest act to do. But if one doesn't Let Go, the hurt and pain will always be with you, no matter the years, where you go, it will be there no matter what.
The act of Forgiving yourself- that I believe is the hardest part of all. We are sometimes our own worst critics, we hold on to our own errors, mistakes, wrongs, for dear life, not able to Let it Go and forgive our selves. I believe one can not find true inner peace until you can forgive yourself, and Let It Go.
Forgiving others I have found to be so much easier than forgiving myself.
There is also a difference in forgiving a person, Let It Go, and moving forward - and letting someone walk all over you, one wrong deed after another, then that makes it a toxic relationship that you need to break free of.
I have worked on forgiveness a lot in the last two almost three years. It hasn't been easy at all, to face the things that were done to me in the past, forgive the person, and learn to Let It Go and Give It To God. Those people don't know I forgave them, Only people that know I forgave them are God and Myself.
But I will say that learning how to forgive, Let Go, and move forward, has been a very enlightening, experience and has brought a lot of inner peace of mind, and that is worth every inch of every mile that I have walk down the journey of forgiveness, and healing.
I did a peace on forgiveness not to long a long, and a post about rebuilding burnt bridges, where I talk about the some of the forgiveness journey that I have taken. Maybe they might help you a little bit. Just saying...
http://www.brainsync.com/podcasts/search-podcasts/podcasts-by-date/307.html
"To forgive is to set a prisoner free, and to discover that that prisoner was you."
Forgiving one's self is the hardest because we know everything. Every thought and calculation that went into that "wrong" decision is ours to bear, and in the end, we must simply realize that if we try to walk forward and look backwards at the same time, we'll run headfirst into a wall.
You may take the first part literally, yet
The latter is a feeling utterly sublime.
I think you have hit upon the nature of forgiveness right there.