Linda Seccaspina

The Tayles of Emileeeeee McPheeeeee

Linda Seccaspina

Linda Seccaspina
July 24
Formerly called The Maiden of Death by Derek Raymaker Xpress Magazine
When you wish upon a star
Linda's column can now be read in The Humm newspaper and online. Also pick up an issue of Screamin Mamas magazine from Florida for a peak at some of my writing.>> My idol is former mentor and OPRAH senior associate producer Elizabeth Coady. Taskmaster extraordinaire but learned so much from her, and if I could be 1/8 as talented as her I 'd be laughing.>>>>> My books "Menopausal Woman From the Corn" "Cowansville High Misremembered" "Naked Yoga, Twinkies and Celebrities" and "Cancer Calls Collect" now available on Amazon in paperback and Kindle >>>>>>>All covers also done by Diana Ani Stokely GRAFIX to go.>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> "Cowansville High School Misremembered" book is now out as a fundraiser for the school._______________________ ___________________ Follow her on Twitter @@Mcpheeeeee. Linda Seccaspina was born in Cowansville Quebec about the same time the wheel was invented. _____________________________________ She used to own clothing stores in Ottawa and Toronto Ontario Canada from 1974-1996 called Flash Cadilac, Savannah Devilles, Nightmares and Flaming Groovies. _____________________________________ Her brain tries to writes stories about her menopausal life and a host of other things she gets annoyed at. _____________________________________ She has two sons, Schuyleur and one that does not want his name mentioned. She has a grandson called Romeo who is a Boston Terrier and a grandaughter Bella who is a french bulldog. _____________________________________ Linda loves people quite plain and simple and loves to hug.. Yes, she is one of "those".


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MARCH 29, 2012 8:52PM

It Was a Noir of a Big Easy Garage Sale!

Rate: 34 Flag


A Fictitious Marlowe and Sam Crime Story with Real Live Photos Taken Last Week...





"Sam, what do you know about a guy named King Photo?"

"Never heard of him. Who is he Marlowe?" 

"Top-line picture blower out of San Francisco. Last night, he hits town, and already there was somebody around who thinks King Photo shouldn't be."

"What's that got to do with me?" 

"Well, I thought you might check him out with me for me in the City by the Bay. Ya know, any connection with the mob, dope, the usual list."

"You got a lot of nerve, Marlowe. What do you think I'm running here, some kind of an information bureau?"  



 (Marlowe and Sam arrive at King Photo's home)

"Convenient, the door being open when you didn't have a key, eh Sam?" 

"By the way Marlowe, how'd you happen to have one?" 

"Is that any of your business Sam?" 

"I could make it my business Marlowe! What the hell is all of this?"




 "Do you like orchids Sam?" 

"Not particularly, Marlowe." 

"Ugh. Nasty things. Their flesh is too much like the flesh of men, and their perfume has the rotten sweetness of corruption."  

"Looks like the flesh has seen a lot of orchids in their day here Marlowe"




"Marlowe, if you can use me again sometime, call this number." 

"Day and night?" 

Uh, night's better. I work during the day.  So what's up with this Marlowe?

Think mischief has been afoot?





"You're a private detective too Sam, you tell me."

"Ya know Marlowe, I honestly didn't know detectives existed, except in books, or else they were greasy little men snooping around hotel corridors."

"So what is with the sheriff badges here?"  

"Someone has funny business going on Marlowe! I think we have stumbled on King Photo's hide-out."




 "Ahhh, look it's Mariah Carey on the wall; the guy had taste!"

"Let me do the talking Sam, angel; come to daddy!"

 "Marlowe, is she as cute as you are?" 

"Nobody is Sam.  Nobody!"




"Well look at this video Sam, it comes complete with instructions on of how to be a detective in 10 easy lessons."

"Marlowe, you must've watched a lot of videos learning how to be a comedian." 

"Sam, I collect blondes and bottles too."




"Look at these dames! I like the one on the left Marlowe!"

"Yeah, what you 'sees' is nothing, I got a Balinese dancing girl tattooed across my chest Sam." 

"Is that the one that looks like a Pekingese Marlowe?"



"I knew one of the dames that lived here and I remember this bed Sam."

"How did you find her?" 

"I didn't find her Sam."

"Well then how did you...". 

"I have never been here Sam, you haven't seen me, and she no longer exists." 





"I was beginning to think you worked in bed like Marcel Proust Marlowe." 

"Who's he Sam?" 

"You wouldn't know him, some sort of a French writer." 

"Come into my boudoir baby and look at that ceiling! There's my girl  on the wall Sam. There she is!"






"She tried to sit in my lap while I was standing up Sam." 

"I don't like your manners Malowe!"

"And I'm not crazy about yours either Sam." 




"I don't mind if you don't like my manners, I don't like them myself Sam. They are pretty bad. I grieve over them on long winter evenings."

"Look at that Sam! It's King Photo's mother; what a dame she was! She could drink any man under the table!" 




 "What is this Marlowe, hmm?" 

"What does it look like Sam, hanging grapefruit?" 

"Well, from here it looks like a fancy schmancy light pull!"






"You know, it's a funny thing Marlowe. You're trying to find out what your father hired me to find out, and I'm trying to find out why you want to find out."

"You could go on forever, couldn't you Sam? Anyway it'll give us something to talk about next time we meet." 

"Among other things, let's take a look at the sign on King Photo's shed."





"Is King Photo in there Sam?" 

"Yeah, yeah, he's here." 

"Tell him to come out Marlowe, will you?" 

"I can't Sam." 


"Because he's dead." 




  (Marlow speaks on the phone to the local cops)

 "Hi Joe!  This is Marlowe." 

 "Yeah, Marlowe! What's left of King Photo?" 

"Not much Eddie, just memories hangin' on the wall."

" My respects to him, Marlowe. Few men ever swapped more than one shot with King Photo."  

"I know Eddie, even his cat is gone. I swear I looked at that empty litter box and suddenly felt like I was taking a trip down a sewer in a glass-bottom boat."   

                                            The End!


Apologies to Raymond Chandler for butchering every line he wrote. This was a  real garage sale I went to last week and believe it or not there was actually more I just could not get myself to photograph... ahh... without getting caught..:)

All Photos: Linda Seccaspina

Text: Butchered text by Linda Seccaspina from the great Raymond Chandler. 


Linda Secaspina 2012- new book "Menopausal Woman From the Corn" now available on Amazon US and Amazon Canada. Canadians please contact me for books to get cheaper shipping. Or buy the Kindle version now available on the US site.



Linda Blogs about this and that daily on:








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What a cool bunch of stuff. Right up your alley too as to history and allure. What did you buy?
Stranger than fiction...
I was as confused as a rat in a maze for a minute two (or three) until I caught on. You are one talented Dame, but hanging around with Marlowe can put holes in you, yeah, that's right kid, bullet holes. Now, go get me a drink, Doll~!
I truly enjoyed the Chandleresque dialogue, Linda. I heard Bogie soeaking every line. "Play it, Sam.". Hug, erica
Jmac.. all those photos were not fiction.. it was pretty scary walking into there..:)
Scanner.. I wish I had loved during that time.
Erika.. It took a long time to do this.. I could not believe it. haha
What do you think you are running here, a hilarious parody?
rated with love
Of course I am RP :).. I was just complaining to a loved one that I have gotten so conservative compared to what I used to be and I hate it hahahahah

Sheila.. What would you have done arriving there??:)
The garage sales in Illinois are suddenly looking kind of boring.
So how'd you get your cell phone to shoot black & white?
JLS... I flipped out when I walked in there.. rated top 10 like the pig house sale.. over 5000 pigs in one house.. ceramic

Kosh. I have no cell phone..yup that is right.. I shot these with my Kodak 350 I carry everywhere..:)
BTW Kosh.. I photoshop to black and white and used the Time Machine on my Corel program to make them look like they were from the 60's. Took me almost 3 hours to do this blog with photos etc. haha
"Few men (or women) swap more than one shot with Linda"--photo shot, that is. Wish I'd been there. I love noir. I seen a lotta dames in my time, Linda, but you're somethin' special." [r]
"She tried to sit in my lap while I was standing up Sam."

You have the noir falling off the bone, it's so well done! R and huggggz.
Super cool in both the words and pictures department.
Linda, you and your camera find some of the most interesting things to share with us!

Well done!
Both the text and the sale itself seems like it was a lot more fun than the one our old neighbours had where she was selling her entire "Buns of Steel" VHS collection and rusty kids toys that were probably riddled with tetanus.

I'd go for the "Police dusting" sign.
ahh Donegal.. you sure kow how to make a gal swoon:)
Zuma : I sat and read every sentence from The Big Easy and then butchered them trying to make them fit the story. The noir fan here was not impressed..:)
Thanks Ian.. I appreciate it.
Now that's some fancy schmancy light pull!

I imagine that place saw some Kodak moments in its day, huh, Linda?
You are hilarious, between the photos and the story I nearly peed myself. A real garage sale? You bought the cat photo? Hahaha, what is the cat wearing?
I hope you didn't touch anything.
That place looks like it has more "DNA" sprayed on it than a cheap motel's remote control.
Various : I was supposed to go to a tattoo expo and instead decided to go to a few garage sales.. This made up for the tattoos believe me.

Little Kate: It is always in my purse less I find something interesting.

Scarlett: according to the craigslist ad there were over 3000 pictures and only 10% were cut out from magazines.. OY VEY the mirrored ceiling that was almost collapsing said it all for me hahha
How do you find these things?
Yes Bleue- this was a bonafied garage sale and the cat was wearing Christmas decorations.

Leepin: there was a lot of DNA on those videos..:) When I hit the bathroom and saw the picture on the shower I freaked out hahah

Cranky: It's amazing what is on Craigslist..:)
Entertaining pics and amusing patter Linda. Thanks for the post.
Absolutely loved the way this was presented Linda and the spin of the thread lines...
How well you show us a yard sale...
Kuddos for this one woman....
I think I might have purchased a few, er, items at that sale. You did a great job weaving the fictional with the real. Linda, why don't you post this on the Weekend Fiction page? R
Thanks Abra
Mission this was so much work I wokr up like I had worked a 7 days shift hahah

Thanks Jon
Huggs Mattt
Gerald I thought I saw you there..:)
That has to be one of the creepiest rooms ever.
Great way to depict one very weird garage sale...
Schmopie.. it was the whole house :)
Steve; you were there hahaha
That was all at a garage sale?! Funny and creepy all at the same time! LOL Well told!
Painting the stars.. yes it was... and there was more hahah
If you will forgive my sporadic presence I'd like to say this is "mondo bizzaro" two cents exactly :)
Creative and classic Linda, very fun write. You really bring out the crowd for your work. Lovely.
Yuch Mariah Carey. Did you see her in ‘Precious’ without her makeup?
Thanks Cindy... HUGGGGGGGGGGGGGG to you and yours

Jack.. believe me I feel the same way.. that was HIS fantasy..:)
Thanks Cindy... HUGGGGGGGGGGGGGG to you and yours

Jack.. believe me I feel the same way.. that was HIS fantasy..:)
People sell their garages? Where do they put their cars afterwards?
Nice underwear shot too.
creekend.. this one had passed away so I dont think he was looking for a parking space..:)
creekend.. this one had passed away so I dont think he was looking for a parking space..:)
That made my day.

"Their flesh is too much like the flesh of men, and their perfume has the rotten sweetness of corruption."

-That's how Rush Limbaugh feels about women on birth control.
dialogue roars in my modern ears. screw chandler.
he would be appreciative,
like jane eyre is
with all these movies!

"I don't mind if you don't like my manners, I don't like them myself Sam. They are pretty bad. I grieve over them on long winter evenings."

SUCH untruth, put out as cynicism.

how clever we are, all of us.

We got some damn epitome of manners/propriety/grace
in our heads, and we torment ourselves
for swearing or saying off color shit..

taking a trip down a sewer in a glass-bottom boat...

we got too high a standard for people, especially artists,
who are
What a garage sale! I am super-jealous! Love the cat picture especially!
LOVE IT! and...what Larry said! HYSTERICAL!
This is the most nostalgic and haunting piece yet. Bravo!