Linda Seccaspina

The Tayles of Emileeeeee McPheeeeee

Linda Seccaspina

Linda Seccaspina
Location
WHOOOOOOOOOOOVILLE, Peaceful
Birthday
July 24
Title
Formerly called The Maiden of Death by Derek Raymaker Xpress Magazine
Company
When you wish upon a star
Bio
Linda's column can now be read in The Humm newspaper and online. Also pick up an issue of Screamin Mamas magazine from Florida for a peak at some of my writing.>> My idol is former mentor and OPRAH senior associate producer Elizabeth Coady. Taskmaster extraordinaire but learned so much from her, and if I could be 1/8 as talented as her I 'd be laughing.>>>>> My books "Menopausal Woman From the Corn" "Cowansville High Misremembered" "Naked Yoga, Twinkies and Celebrities" and "Cancer Calls Collect" now available on Amazon in paperback and Kindle >>>>>>>All covers also done by Diana Ani Stokely GRAFIX to go.>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> "Cowansville High School Misremembered" book is now out as a fundraiser for the school._______________________ ___________________ Follow her on Twitter @@Mcpheeeeee. Linda Seccaspina was born in Cowansville Quebec about the same time the wheel was invented. _____________________________________ She used to own clothing stores in Ottawa and Toronto Ontario Canada from 1974-1996 called Flash Cadilac, Savannah Devilles, Nightmares and Flaming Groovies. _____________________________________ Her brain tries to writes stories about her menopausal life and a host of other things she gets annoyed at. _____________________________________ She has two sons, Schuyleur and one that does not want his name mentioned. She has a grandson called Romeo who is a Boston Terrier and a grandaughter Bella who is a french bulldog. _____________________________________ Linda loves people quite plain and simple and loves to hug.. Yes, she is one of "those".

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Editor’s Pick
JUNE 2, 2011 9:44AM

I Will Never be as Thin as America’s Next Top Model Ann Ward

Rate: 68 Flag

Sitting on my heating pad attempting to feel better I settle down to watch a marathon of ANTM cycle 15. I was immediately drawn to the 6 ft 2 ultra thin model Ann Ward. She is everything I ever wanted to be and more.   As I munch on my gluten free sandwich I wonder what she eats to be able to remain 98 pounds. Coming from a child bearing hip family lineage I would have died to be thin like that and almost did.

 

             annee

 

At age 15 I left home and basically stopped eating. My hair fell out and I was an emotional mess. I started working at the trendy Le Chateau store in 1967 and was told I was not thin enough by a fellow employee. I told him I was a size 9 and he simply said,

“To be cool you need to be a size 5!”

So I decided to repeat not eating for days on end and sometimes I fainted because I was so hungry. I ended up being that idolized size 3 and the food abuse journey began.

                                Color Me

 

For years I ate so frugally that sometimes my period stopped. My grandmother would get so upset at the way I looked she would tell my father. When he reprimanded me I would simply tell him I had more weight to lose. They chose to remain silent less I was true to my word.

 

I was thin for years until I developed emotional problems and then the weight crept back on quickly. I knew every diet and every calorie value backwards, forwards and then some. No one needed to tell me what to do because by now it had been engraved in my brain forever.

 

At 34 I got pregnant with my first child and became very concerned about the possible weight gain. Instead of watching what I ate I developed a new habit called bulimia.  My obstetrician was very concerned about the weight loss while I stood there on the scale and secretly smiled. I constantly told my unborn child Mummy was going to be skinny again. Realizing how selfish I was now I could kick myself. My oldest child was born weighing 10 pounds and the pregnancy weight seemed to leave over night. I had lost 30 pounds while I was pregnant.

 

Bulimia became very addictive and it was so easy to eat what I wanted and then purge. I told my doctor, that when I completed "the deed" I felt nothing but power. This horrible addiction continued for another 4 years until I made myself stop. One afternoon I saw my oldest son become upset, run into the bathroom and force himself to throw up. He knew all about my dirty little secret and that was the last day I purged for awhile.

                       img106

 

Years later it came back to haunt me sporadically as well as something new called exercise addiction. I was told when I taught aerobics if I wanted to find people with food problems the gym was the first place to go.  She was right and I met Kat who encouraged me to consume only liquids - which I did. Everyday it was either soups, Jolt Cola or days of fried rice. One day when I went to see my doctor she told me she was starving herself to go on a trip. She looked at me straight in the eyes and said,

“I just cannot follow a diet; it’s either starve or not lose weight.”

That to me said it all and I realized that if a professional could not do it how could I? So for years I have remained the size I am and watched the skinny girls drift by on TV. I have spoken about eating disorders to girls in Elementary schools because image issues start at a very young age now. I know what they are feeling and tell them I now have scar tissue in my throat from repeated bulimiac abuse. It is so bad that sometimes I have to run to the bathroom when I eat - not to purge,  but to stop from choking to death.

                                    acorset

So all afternoon I watched Ann Ward on America’s Next Top Model and sighed because I would never become her.  Linda would never be 6ft 2 and have a 21 inch waist nor wear Cavalli clothes. I would just be me forever and I remembered in my mind what I used to say to those young girls,

“ It does not matter what other people think of you. Just love yourself for who you are.”

So to those that can follow diets I applaud you but there are many of us that have food issues and cannot be like you. We are what we are and do not ever doubt that we do not try, because we do.

Every single darn day!

 

Images and Text: Linda Seccaspina 2011

Ann Ward Image from Facebook- Marl Migullas

Dedicated to Open Salon's  Diary of a Food Addict. We miss you!

LINDA'S CAMERA BROKE..SO NO MORE VIDEOS UNTIL NEXT WEEK

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Comments

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I was 104 lbs. most of my high school through college life. I used to pray I'd put on weight. We all seem to want what we don't have, or perceive as being better.
It is such a problem, with girls sometimes pre-high school. Sometimes, a dentist is the first to know because the bulimia is eroding the tooth enamel.

- kudos to you, Linda, for writing this in such an honest, straight-forward manner.
People have to be what and who they are...and I wouldn't have you be any different than who and what you are...perfect in my eyes.
This is the modern struggle for young women, is it not? I knew something of this. You have alluded to it before. I did not know the whole story, however.
Our obsession with thinness is nuts.
6'2" and 98 pounds? That is almost obscene. Maybe you can pull that off when you're 19 with less effort, but there is no way that's sustainable.

Watching a family member struggle with an eating disorder, I know how insidious and chronic it is. I don't think it ever really goes away. I am sorry for your struggle - I know it's very real.

Glad this got an EP, and hope it will stay on the cover for several days, where it might help someone going through the same thing.
On the other end of the spectrum, you have the fattening rooms in Nigeria and Uganda, where certain tribes understand women being obese is beautiful.
So starving to death or fattening to the point of bringing illness on are just forms of abuse we submit to. The worst of it all is when beauty perceptions are engaged upon by women who have the power to change this. The producers of these types of show cannot possibly believe that these anorexic/bulimic souls feed themselves properly. My question is, do they care? Should we keep watching?
Through my eyes: I so agree, we never learn to accept who we are.. Outside pressures? Parental pressures?

Its starts with some family members actually. My mother was in the hospital for what life she had and wanted the perfect daughter. Piano lessons, girl scouts, brownies, ballet, the perfect figure. She wanted me to be everything she could not be as she was sick from age 14 on until she died at 34.
I am positive it started there. Even sick she nagged at the way I looked and my father carried on. Then the fashion industry and the men.
What a great post and those photos are priceless!! You and I have so much in common. I'm glad we are friends and past all that horrible scaring. Much love to you and I miss the little videos too!
This was one of your best and congrats on the well deserved EP. This is what needs to be on the front page and I hope you broke the barrier of putting crap candy on the cover. Great Job~
Catherine; for a period of time I was the Ottawa Civic Hospital Poster child for the Eating Disorder Clinic. I did TV and I spoke to the kids when I volunteered at the schools my kids went to.

I could tell others what to do but could never get it in my brain.


Rugrat: HUGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG you made me cry

Maurene: The camera broke and I am going to get a new one this weekend. The fashion industry is ruthless. You are NEVER thin enough. You kill yourself to stay thin.

Brassawe: I had done another blog and then at 5 pm after the show was over it was time to write this piece finally.

Maurene: Every day i rise with good intentions and they go to hell.

Jeanette: Some people have no idea what you go through and think it is so easy and you do not try. They are so damn wrong. I cold have hurt my child. I was honest with my OBYGN and told her after and she was furious. I told her' well if this happens to someone else now you know"
Zanelle: You and I sister.. we know what it is all about and so does "Diary". I am going to PM here this. We are all sisters in arms. The camera just died and said goodbye..:(

Scanner: You are far too kind my friend.. thank you
And now my doctor has told me that my back will probably never get better until I lose weight. Back on "the diet". I always wanted to be a little bit anorexic. Nothing too far gone, but enough to control. Ah, to be a size 12 again, which is the smallest I've ever been.
When the weight crept on after having babies, I decided to just make up my face, have a good haircut, and sit down. Very well deserved EP.
Another great piece that takes us into the feelings and experiences of someone, like many of us, who struggle with food, weight, identity and acceptance issues. Your experiences built the woman you are today and your journey can provide the knowledge and understanding needed to help someone else in their struggle. Good work, good writing.
Rated for brutal, daring honesty
Life is for everyone not just thin people or beautiful people. I love to be around people who smile and take joy in nature, in children, in good company. I hope this thin young girl finds all these things on her journey. I doubt we will remember our size on the way out of this life, but hopefully a life well lived. Looks like you have that Linda.
Oh, Linda, this takes me back...to four years of exercise bulimia in college. Food/exercise addiction is a prison. Glad you're out.
And I, unfortunately, will never be GK Chesterton, but still I endeavor to marshal on.
This piece, to me, lacks something. I can’t put my finger on it, exactly, but I feel it. It is self revealing, admonishes the self for previous choices, but, and perhaps I am wrong, does not speak strongly enough about your revelations when you knew this behavior was self destructive and must end. This is just my opinion.
Thanks for sharing this. I have hips too. It helped me have children and for that I will always be grateful. I wanted to be thin like Twiggy. That won't happen until I die.
Linda,

Congrats on the E.P. So nice to see what's up today with OS - seems to be working again, almost like "normal."

You're on my radar this morning with this wonderful post. I happen to be working on an exhibit for the Detroit Science Center: a "hall of mirrors." Subject matter: mood disorders, depression, self-image. Taping into some lyrics seems to be a good way to go with this thing... still working it out.
Great piece, much needed as is evidenced by the extreme obsession about weight. Being healthy in body and mind is so difficult with so many kinds of media promoting the ill, and they are.
Peggy: The never ending diet that for some of us like myself keeps me in an emotional prison.

Miguela: You are my heroine

Sheila: I had done many many pieces when I blogged for 5 years on another side in the early days they say. That was past thoughts.. this is the present..

Jon: I am always honest as you are. The only way to be.

Rita: That was just so well said.. HUGGGGGG
Divorces pauline: It was a hell I wish on no one.

DH: The reason it feels incomplete is that this feeling never leaves you. There is always the hope that something will make you 98 pounds. I taught aerobics counseled people and kids. I went to private counselors, eating disorder clinics yet IT was too powerful and nothing worked.

I have the knowledge that IT will never work for me yet it still lives in me. I know it is wrong, it was killing me and leaving me with health issues but it is still there like a damn poltergeist.

If you have the disease you get it for others it is way too hard to fathom.

Mime: Twiggy.. there was another story hahaha
Vivian: When you said you were working with mirrors I thought back to: mood disorders, depression, self-image.
One experiment was LIGHT. They (eating disorder clinic) insisted that cloudy weather etc affected our brains and made us eat so we had to sit with light reflectors for about an hour and they said that the light would help. I have no comments..:)

Buffy: It starts with cute skinny cartoon girls and goes up to Disney girls. Some of these poor girls do not have a chance now. Promoting the ill is well said.
Bless you for writing this. Bless you! I've struggled with an eating disorder since I was ten. Since the birth of my first son, it's been much better than before, but when I get stressed out, I still go into starvation mode. It's all about control. Sojourn on my friend!
Thank you Linda again for your honesty and clear writing. Guys aren't as prey to them, but I too have suffered from food issues. They make me envious of the simple pleasures my dogs enjoy - just scarfing it down without a care.

And BTW - she may be always thinner, but you'll always be nicer.
Rei: sista hugs to you
L Muse: You are such a dear.. Scarfing?? That was a great description..:) LOL
Neil Paul: It was too good to be true..:( It was running like a sail boat
Such a powerful post and well deserved EP. Every day I come here in anticipation of the next topic Linda will tackle. Every day I am surprised at the depth of your knowledge and personal experience.
Christina did the best public service announcement for young people that I have ever seen. Thanks for sharing.
rated with love
Poetess.. yes she did. I rag on her as do others for ridiculous things but she hit the nail on the head there.
Linda, this brought back so many memories. When I was 16 I decided that if I was ever to have a boyfriend I would have to lose weight. Like you I knew the calorie count of everything. I don't think I even realized I was anorexic because I did eat...a little. That stopped but I have always been weight conscious, but now in a much healthier way. I'll never be 104 lbs again and that's just fine. Congrats on the well deserved EP.
Never really had food issues, but I was a fleshy woman among fleshy women in my family and always "bigger" than all other girls. I got into working out in my 20s/30s, after kids to firm up. Looked great. I liked my body as much as I could, which to be honest, wasn't much. I kept seeing my very flawed self (which I wouldn't mind having in all it's glory right now).

I hate the idea of living in this world of plenty and starving yourself. It's so crazy but I understand wanting so badly to fit in, to be beautiful, to be the most beautiful.

I always wanted to be that beautiful but I never figured out how to be anorexic. That issue was before my time. I had a friend who was anorexic and I didn't understand why or how or even how she knew to do it, to starve herself. I could never make myself throw up and starving myself was never an option. My hungry fleshy self would never let me even if I wanted to.

Linda, this is beautifully written. Thanks for sharing. ***
Eating disorders are no joke... "and that's all I have to say about that." FG
I started writing my response about a half hour ago and now you've got an EP!! You go girl!!
You're a brave, strong, confident and beautiful woman.

Never forget that! :)

Hugs and Boo kisses!

-R-
Ya, I know this story all too well, I was going to write about it today, weird, I have a chipped tooth and trouble swallowing. It's horrible because once we realize the damage we've done, it's too late. Well Linda, I applaud you on putting this out there. Many people don't understand and really don't see how anyone could be addicted to this. You have to walk in these shoes, I think, to understand. Congratulations on the EP!!!
Yeah love yourself for who yo are and stay well. Nice to see that you are feeling better. Hugs and congratulations on the EP. Rated with love.
As someone who is now very thin and has a hard time gaining weight after a much fleshier time as a teenager, i really miss curves. I think they're super hot. I guess you always want what you don't have.
Food issues are one of the perplexing of all emotional maladies.
O I never realised you made those videos yourself! I just read Maureen and learned that they were your work.
vanessa: The fattening rooms? OMG .. I looked at Ann and thought she was just so beautiful. You never get out of this thing. Its never ever over!

Christine: there is nothing I do not eat that I do not look at calories. HUGGGGGGGGGGG

Foolish Monkey: First of all I am so relieved your grandson came out of his operation .. HUGGGGGGGGG/ It is so hard to understand if people do not experience it.

Little Willie: they kill.. look at some of the supermodels

Lady Miko: HUGGGGGGGGGs to you and wee Boo.. We love The Boo.:)

Hayley: It kills me when people say it so easy and just follow this and that. This is a poltergeist that never lets go. You and I both know.

HUgs to you Rolling

Mymany: Just like Throughmyeyes.. we all want what each other wants.

Trudge: Its is maddening my dear sir.
Rolling.. yes they were and the old camera died yesterday.. but this weekend I will get a new camera.
Congratulations on the EP and on your self-acceptance. As you know, I struggle everyday. Loving yourself the way you are can be so very difficult.
bluestocking .. and sometimes it can be impossible.. I get it and you do and so do others.. but some do not.
I got down to a size 3 or 5 when I was a custodian. I also couldn't control the buffer at that size ;-). If you go to an art museum and look at beauty of yester-year, it is not size 3 or 5, but 12 or 14 or 16. Let us return to those times when women looked normal. R
Tears.It always amazes me how much food addiction there is in America and how we are so alike with our secrets and sneakiness and sadness .But there is also a solution and although I still want to be one of those models in my heart of hearts,I also remember when I was very thin I still had the same set of problems dealing with life.Reacting to it instead of acting on it as they say. One Day At A Time .Thank you for all your unwavering support of me and sharing my journey and sharing yours xoxo Diary
a model like Ann Ward is about as attractive to me as a scrawny stick lying on the ground. More's the pity that body image is still dominated by emaciation. Interesting tale of your own journey through this. Thanks.
Linda, I'm sorry you read that you suffered with this too....when I see how women torture themselves, and each other! in judgment-- incessantly it seems-- all those years of trying to stay a twig myself haunt me.
I wonder if girls would quit throwing up their food if they saw enough photos of the repercussions that can come down the road....of toothless former bulimics who ruined their smiles in order to look skinny...
Now I think, "skinny looks good??"
It just doesn't to me anymore.
Skinny looks awful on a woman when they clearly are trying too hard, in my opinion -- like they're afraid to be a woman.
I was skinny when I was younger. So skinny that when I had my first baby, my mother in law said I would starve the child to death if I tried to breast feed. I managed though. I didn't really gain any weight until after my third child. The 4th followed almost immediately with a huge weight gain. After 6 children I still haven't managed to work the weight off, but once when I was doing out door work during the summer, landscaping ...the weight practically fell off of me.


I have a long way to go to be slim and trim again. Like your doctor, I have problems with diets and have learned if I want to lose weight, I simply don't eat...not good for someone with diabetes.So, I've learned to be more accepting of the situation.

“ It does not matter what other people think of you. Just love yourself for who you are.”

That's very sound , advice.

Lowering fat intake, drinking lots of water and getting plenty of exercise is what it's all about.

Thanks Linda. Sometimes we aren't aware of the struggle that people go through trying to look beautiful. For the record, I love you just the way you are!!!
A fashion model is the last model to follow. Poor thing, she's to be pitied.
Linda, ANTM is a horrendous example for young kids...seriously, the show should be boycotted along with other shows that glorify the skinny body. We should striving for a the healthy body - and so should those shows. I mean seriously. And you are perfect, just the way you are.
Thanks for sharing. I had a good freidn who was anorexic and she said t was always a matter of control & power more than the actual food. She'd sit at a meal and think to herself how much more in control she was than all those people that had to eat, while she could get by on just a piece of lettuce. The brain is a funny thing.
Sheba: I swear I can see you pushing that thing and you are so right.
Diary: Sneakiness.. HUGE thing with food addicts.. and Zanelle and I are so glad when you write.

Walter: how about freedom of emancipation.
JT: my biggest thing is when people think they are better than you because they get into a sz 5.

Angelkisses: 6 kids? Wow major hugs to you.. That comment of your mother in laws.. geesh
Leon: wise words
Marsha: I know it is a bad show but it has me hook line and skiner
KH 3333. its like the power I used to get when I purged
Congrats on the EP!
Thank you for sharing this bit of yourself like this. Weight and food issues are so intense. Unlike cigarettes or booze or drugs that can be quit, we need to have food so it is an ongoing battle for many. I was one of the really thin girls and now I am not so my issue goes the other way. I never had to think about what I ate--and I ate anything and everything. I was also really active--I didn't have a car so I walked or biked everywhere. Today I spend way too much time sitting. And eating. So now it is the opposite problem but as I face my own struggles I am humbled and amazed by all the challenges of the people around me--we are all damaged, aren't we? And yet somehow I feel a strong and wonderful spirit in you, in me, in all of us as we follow our individual paths. Thanks again for sharing your story. You wrote it beautifully.
Jeanette is right: 6'2" and 98 pounds is obscene. I have never understood the appeal of size 0 supermodels. They look like a stiff gust of wind would blow them away.

I always remember that Kelly Osbourne says she got more flack in Hollywood because of her weight than she did for her drug abuse. Now THAT'S obscene.
By God, Linda, I was checking myself out in the mirror this afternoon, and I believe that I am every bit as thin as America's Next Top Model Ann Ward! Thought it would cheer you to know that.
You and the heating pad are cute together. Still, I hope you lose it soon. I've been very weight conscious since I was about 9 or ten.
So glad you survived bulimia. It is often deadly.

I used to walk home in high school with this girl, and we would chew our food and spit it out in plastic bags. We figured that way we wouldn't be getting any calories. It's a lifelong struggle and thanks for sharing your inspiring story.
Thank you for sharing this with us. Accounts like this are vital, especially for young girls today. As for Ann, what I found interesting was, despite being told she had a great shape, and having her narrow waist be the envy of Tyra Banks, she always felt awkward and self-conscious. Just goes to show that even the tall, skinny model still has body image issues. Sad and reassuring all at once.
I was scary-thin as a child, always wanted to weigh more. Heh, now I do...;)
I look at that picture of Ann Ward and see someone at death's door. I cannot think of one man I know, including my glamour puss son, who would think that woman looks beautiful. Only other women are able to appreciate emaciated, it seems to me. What have we done to ourselves. I don't have serious food issues, but I too have never ever looked at myself in a mirror and liked what I saw, not completely anyway. We have got to stop this madness. Thanks for putting it out there, Linda.

Lezlie
thanks for so much honesty and consciousness raising on this.

i think of the adage, "don't compare your insides to someone else's outsides."

I have read that instead of rueing the fat on one's body, especially to those fighting obesity, one should bless it. It provided a shock absorber for pain, protecting one perhaps from a "psychotic break."

The phenomenon of our looking into mirrors and hating ourselves and seeing ourselves with such negativity. I look at pix of myself years back and today I go, "Wow ... I was really attractive" but the me back then was so self-hating and convinced she was worthy of rejection and disgust and grossly overweight. Ironic, I am heavier today but more self-accepting, hard won, though in this culture, hard to fight the social thin-mandate put on women. Media assault of perfectionism, and casting of heroines on the tube who resemble models, not everyday people. T&A still. Yeah, those CSI researchers with their demure cleavage.
Man this is a hard issue ... how very honest and insightful and helpful. I've known only one young lady with an eating disorder and 30 years later she still struggles...good on you for realizing what was happening.
You are beautiful.
Interesting tale, Linda. Rated with a sigh for what we women inflict on ourselves in the name of self-acceptance.
I don't have enough will power to not eat. I'm also very lucky to be married to a man who finds this quite rubinesque woman sexy and it never ceases to amaze me.
sheba: big hug
Mary: You just do the best you can
Cranky: everyone is obsessed with weight
Brassawe: you slay me.. have fun at the concert
Thanks Sparkling
Fernsy: Elton John used to do that
Alysa: they could put their hands around her waist.
Sweetfeet: we can never win
Lezlie: You are so right... we look in the mirror and not like things.
Libby: Is it not amazing that we accept ourselves now?
Marty: had it all my life unti l a few years ago
Hugggggggggggg Sarah
Snippy: So many models that used to model for my designs barely ate. They were worse then me.
Chrissit: I am too
Excellent post, Linda.
I'm sorry that media imposes such conflicted images on the youth: Skinny models on one hand, fast food that feeds obesity on the other.
♥R
Always interesting to get a woman's POV on a topic we men generally don't understand well. I've always been put off by thin women. As one fave activity is a nice meal with wine, I tend to suspect that a thin woman can't really enjoy something like that since the mental calorie counter will be clicking away in the background. And that's assuming that a healthy meal with wine is even permitted.

But I'm not completely sure about the thinness=diminished appetite theory. I once had a skinny woman friend who contended that thin people had higher sex drives. Unfortunately, she was a devout, reborn Christian so I could only take her word for it.
Fusun: You cannot win can you?
Abrawang: LOVE the fine dining and that was funny about taking her word for it..:)
No one seems to understand that the thin suffer as much as the obese. Both do so much damage to the body. I would just like to lose about 35 pounds, just fine for a middle aged wimmin.
Linda - I have never been a go with the flow kinda girl. I have always been and will be - what you see is what you get, even under the covers. I do not have the time to keep up with the Jonses, Hollywood, this one and that one. Not my thing. I am my own woman and no one can take that away from me, as hard as they try sometimes. I once had a co-worker who gave me a Billy Ray Cyrus poster for my birthday. Yeah - hunky picture with chest exposed - so I hung it up in my cubicle. My pain in the ass co-worker took offense to it and convinced our supervisor to speak to me about it and take it down. I think that we need to just concentrate on ourselves and who gives a shit about what other people are going to think - they will anyways. Rated for honest, sincerity from the heart. Just Jali Smiling and rating of course.
Congrats on the EP as well. XO
Linda, thank you for this honest and revealing memoir. My daughter is almost 23 and has been fighting anorexia since she was about 14. It is an exhausting and wrenching condition. I have gone up and down up and down... only this year, at 49, discovering I was Celiac and that, not how much I ate, was causing the weight issues. You are very brave and I applaud you. If you haven't been in this hell or lived with this hell, you just can't know. . . .but people speaking out and up, help that. Many hugs.
Linda, thank you for this honest and revealing memoir. My daughter is almost 23 and has been fighting anorexia since she was about 14. It is an exhausting and wrenching condition. I have gone up and down up and down... only this year, at 49, discovering I was Celiac and that, not how much I ate, was causing the weight issues. You are very brave and I applaud you. If you haven't been in this hell or lived with this hell, you just can't know. . . .but people speaking out and up, help that. Many hugs.
Xenon: me too!!
Jali: What a story that was.. I could not believe it. Thanks for your words.

Reneee: I know people like your daughter. It is so scary. I too am a celiac.. and it does put on weight. NO doubt about it.
Like we need it.,
A 10 pounder!!!! Wow.
I have no problem with fashion models who aren't mothers who are genetically attractive. The ones who look like they're starving themselves to look that way are disturbing.
But what really gets me are all these articles about mothers getting their bikini bodies back. Sheesh, if preserving your girlish figure is your #1 priority, don't have kids.
My daughters and I watched ANTM when Ann won, and despite the win and despite the thin(!) it was clear that Ann was struggling with her own body image-just like so many of us regardless of size.

No doubt, it is TOUGH to be female and learn how to accept and love your body. I am so sorry to hear of your own pain and suffering in this regard. Thank you for sharing so openly. It can only help others.
Body Image Issues - This most almost be universal.
But, some creatures sure got classy with the chassis.

I mean some people have bodies that bulge eyes out.
`
Fat Waller in ... "Ain't Misbehavin" sang these ideas.
`
No one to walk with
Al by myself
No one to talk with
But I'm happy on a shelf

Ain't misbehavin' `

I'm saving my love for you.
`
Billy Joel sang my motto.
`
You may be right
I may be crazy.
But it just may
be a lunatic
your looking at.
`
I say`
there's a good crazy
there's denial crazy
we all here together.
Linda,

An honest post on a tough subject. Stop watching that stupid show, okay? Many industries: cosmetics, pharmacy, fashion, etc. have quite an investment in woman starving and feeling shitty about themselves.
linda....all the more poignant in a day when none of this was known or talked about... you INVENTED how you lived..came from somewhere deep inside.....maybe people talked about THIN being IN...but no one really knew what they were suggesting...none of these issues were in the public eye, there was no princess di disclosure, no kate moss, no calista flockhart, no entertainment tonight, no US magazine....nothing public whatsoever...the personal truth was just that...can't imagine the loneliness --you never cease to amaze and enlighten.

gailanne
i'm glad you love yourself now, because you deserve it.
Good post, Linda. Our obsession with our bodies can drive us crazy.
I am quite thin naturally, and have been told if I could just gain some weight I would look younger. Sigh. I look forward to the day when women look in the mirror, smile, and keep going. ~r
Wonderful post, Linda and such an important issue to bring to the forefront. Congrats on the EP. My daughter was anorexic from age 14. She's overcome that but is now obssesed with exercise - but her weight is healthy. We just had this conversation yesterday, that with an addicitve personality, addicted to exercise is a hell of a lot better than drugs or alcohol. It's so encouraging to know someone who has beat the odds.
Oh, Linda...how I try to keep up with you here. You are so relevant, so funny, so much my alter-ego. I never completely understood my eating disorder. I binged, but I could not purge. I now am living with no scales, and eat what I feel I need. Arugula, chocolate, wine...bring it on. I fit in clothing I wore 30 years ago. I don't own a full-length mirror, and I don't know any models' names anymore. I don't know what the message is, but yours is as good as the best!
Noah: Every week the Entertainment magazines try to suck us in to what we should be. We cannot be that other person.

Sloane: She was so unsure of herself and had been bullied at school too.
Art James: We are we are
Scarlett: I have been sick and watched two cycles on Oprah's network OWN

Gailanne: Even on those days the fashion industry was nuts

Hugs Dianaani
JoanH: You said it
Triology: nothing but hugs to her
Dirndl: I own no mirror either.. only the bathroom mirror..
Linda, I love this post. Although I was a cyclic dieter until I was 40 (when I joined a 12-step for my problem) my whole life was just one constant diet after the other. And I ended up fatter every year. The obsession, I believe, is the same, also the body dysmorphia. This is really a beautiful essay. Rated.
Thank you, Linda, for sharing your personal struggle; I was honored to read it and could identify with so much of what you said here and in the comments.

Wow, there is so much I want to say, but I will limit it to this: there is a HUGE emotional aspect to weight management that doctors and even some therapists aren't prepared to deal with. And, people don't fail diets, diets fail people. Diets are not designed for an individual's complex web of health issues, nutritional needs and dietary preferences; we are all different.
The cycle of addiction is so hard to break, especially when what's abused is something necessary for life. Myself being overweight and having the opposite problem (sometimes praying for the willpower that the anorexic girls I knew had to avoid food... little did I know...), I am astounded at the way this view pervasive food image is the same on both ends of the spectrum (overweight and underweight). Thank you for sharing what has to be a difficult story to tell. It certainly opens up the mind to a human view on food abuse/body dysmorphic disorders.
It's so sad that we are constantly comparing ourselves to others -- and coming up short. I wonder where that comes from, and if it's a new phenomenon, or a modern angst? I do it too, contrast and compare, say bad things to myself. I have to hope that we do, eventually, move past it with age. When I saw Suzanne Sommers hawking her SexyForever, I thought, "What the fuck?? Now I'm supposed to be sexy FOREVER???" I was looking forward to reaching an age where I could let myself go.
Congrats on the EP! I'm a little behind this week on getting around here. I think weight and body image is something a lot of women struggle with. It is heartbreaking the standard society has set for "beauty" or the "ideal size". I was a on quest just 2 years ago to be able to wear a bikini at age 40....and I was almost there. I worked out like crazy, ate very little and was obsessed...now I have a torn ligement and stretched tendon in my left ankle and cannot run like I did. Now at 42, I've accepted I may not ever be able to "rock a bikini", at least in a way that is acceptable to me and I'm ok with it but it is a process. I jokingly say now, when I see a super skinny girl...she needs to eat a sandwich. *smile and a wink*
Great post. I'm so glad you are accepting yourself, now. Anxiety and fear are in the mix, but then so are good things like wanting to live up to your potential - what a shame for so many women it all goes into their relationship with food. I was very moved by what you wrote about your mother in hospital. Loving mothers giving their girls eating disorders - what could be more painful for both parties. Rated.
In college, my roommate was a ballerina. For about three months, I used to attend the Pennsylvania Ballet events and hang out with some of the dancers. I watched as these young women picked the insides out of tuna salad sandwiches at an after party and called it dinner. There was an entire culture that supported eating disorders, much like the fashion industry. It was hard to watch.

Eventually, my roommate was not considered exceptional enough to continue on as a professional dancer. Today, she's a fit and muscular size 4. I'm a size 16. We've lived our lives differently, both with weight issues, when you think about it. She still is a restrictor when it comes to eating, but she's healthy now and that's the important thing.

It's amazing what we women will do to our bodies isn't it? I wish you the love and support to continue to heal. I think it sensational that you speak to girls about the illusion that skinny means happinees. It doesn't.
I'm glad you have gotten past these issues to become a woman of wisdom and an OS treasure.
well let me tell you. I have this thing now, I say I judge one by their glutes. As in sexy strong rippling muscles in the thigh. I even look at models in this way. I was lucky enough that I worked out at a gym when I was a teenager and like a strong hard body rather than a thin bored looking model on the catwalk. I would so enjoy to help you understand what is truly beautiful in a female body. I was stick thin when I was younger but not by choice. (that is another story). Often starving and hungry all the time and in elementary, kids would steal my lunch daily. I got used to not eating till 7pm. I became more like oliver twist trying to steal a piece of bread here and there.
I did not get baby fat till I was 18, then it was hard to keep it off. If you take what you are born with and try your best to stay in shape and eat right, that is what it is meant to be. I did well over all the problems that effected my eating most of my life. The eating disorders that many people have now are not always because of other people, as was my case, but more so what is going on inside of themselves. I am a healthy 127 pounds and it goes up and down. The last time I was at 98 pounds, I was sick in bed with some very bad bug I got from food poisoning. This was a serious illness that could have killed me if I did not get serious medication.
I had no energy to stand up, but I had to force myself to go to the hospital on my own. No help from others. I can tell you it's no fun getting to a lower weight if it means giving up your energy.