Rapture Me This! - Last Minute End of the World Personals - Linda Seccaspina

Linda Seccaspina

The Tayles of Emileeeeee McPheeeeee

Linda Seccaspina

Location: WHOOOOOOOOOOOVILLE, Peaceful
Birthday: July 24

Title: The Maiden of Death
Company: When you wish upon a star

Bio: Linda's column can now be read in The Humm newspaper and online. My books "Menopausal Woman From the Corn" "Cowansville High Misremembered" and "Naked Yoga, Twinkies and Celebrities" now available on Amazon in paperback and Kindle >>>>>>>Profile Photo by Diana Ani Stokely GRAFIX to go>>>>>>>> Cover also done by Diana Ani Stokely GRAFIX to go.>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> "Cowansville High School Misremembered" book is now out as a fundraiser for the school._______________________ ________________***Linda's writing can be read Monday to Friday on Zoomers.ca where links to her stories have been picked up by Time Online, USA Today and Huffington Post from other sites she has blogged on.She is also a contributor on Yahoo.....>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> Linda's Photo's can be seen on: http://linda-seccaspina.fineartamerica.com/____________________________________ Follow her on Twitter @@Mcpheeeeee. Linda Seccaspina was born in Cowansville Quebec about the same time the wheel was invented. _____________________________________ She used to own clothing stores in Ottawa and Toronto Ontario Canada from 1974-1996 called Flash Cadilac, Savannah Devilles, Nightmares and Flaming Groovies. _____________________________________ Her brain tries to writes stories about her menopausal life and a host of other things she gets annoyed at. _____________________________________ She has two sons, Schuyleur and one that does not want his name mentioned. She has a grandson called Romeo who is a Boston Terrier and a grandaughter Bella who is a french bulldog. _____________________________________ Linda loves people quite plain and simple and loves to hug.. Yes, she is one of "those".

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Editor’s Pick

MAY 20, 2011 9:52AM

Rapture Me This! - Last Minute End of the World Personals

Rate: 54 Flag

Well, today might be my last post if Harold Camping's prophecy comes true tomorrow or Sunday. So I have put together some parody personals Craigslist style for you to enjoy. I do hope to see you on Sunday but if I don’t, it has been a blast.

Please come celebrate the Apocalypse with me!

Ladies, the end of the world will strike the Bay area at 6pm on Saturday.
I'm the ideal person to spend the Apocalypse with. First, I'm not a Believer so I promise that when the Rapture hits, I will still be here. I'm looking for a life-long committed relationship, not casual dating, and believe me, after the Apocalypse hits you need a guy who intends to stick with you forever.

So, ladies, please respond so I can choose who I'm going to end the world with! Come meet a sinner for tea where everything is warm and tasty.

aend

Please help me lose my virginity before the end of the world!

I've never had sex and I struggle with releasing the "awesome in me" into the real world.

I forgot to mention that I'm from Kansas, so you may only use one Wizard of Oz joke on me. I also must warn you that I develop an accent when I'm naked with a girl. But, yes I am a virgin!

25 year old Virgin Afraid to go down in flames

Due to what some may call a long-lasting lack of luck; I am nearing 30 and still a virgin. Should the world end this weekend and we all perish in flame or flood, I'd prefer to not die that way. I would like to meet another virgin for some fancy dinner Friday night my treat. I realize I am being kind of choosy at this point in time and need someone to help me fight the zombie apocalypse. I guess I am a virgin in my thinking too!

aenen

The world is going to end- your place or mine?

"Sunshine, times a wastin’!"

I need a Republican with a pulse because none of us are going to have any soon. BTW I have my period and hope that is not a problem. Looking for good drinks, maybe a smoke or two and then hot hot hot. Hopefully that hotness is just sex and not the world coming to an end. I’ve also got a great pair of brains - both left and right.

Material Girl Dominatrix for Hire - Two Day Sale!

Two days left and I just want to remind you that you do not need those material possessions where you are going. Just drop them off or we do offer free pick up. Please feel free to enjoy our special offer of being punished for your gluttonous sins.

awilson

Save a Bud for me and I'll drink it with you on the flip side.

Just announced that the end of the world party is still on! We have decided to move it from the Bill Graham Auditorium to AT&T Park, because of the huge demand to attend. Giant’s pitcher Brian Wilson will be dressed as the devil and we plan to break the doors down at 6am sharp and take the park over.

Validation for better seats is available. If you cannot make it due to traffic and are stuck on the freeway no worries because we are all going to be thunderstruck anyways. Bring lots of water- it’s going to be a hell of a time!

Linda Seccaspina 2011

I can think of no better way to die than to crank up some AC/DC!

Enjoy!

Author tags:

comedy, dominatrix, harold camping, believer, sins, blog, blogging, blogger, linda seccaspina, open salon, social media blogger, media, media blogger, digg, stumbleupon, youtube, video, videos, yahoo, facebook, ac/dc, kansas, brian wilson, ac/dc, at&t park, giants, wizard of oz, sinner, virgin, apocalypse, craigslist, parody, may 22, may21, zombie apocalypse, end of the world, the rapture

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Comments

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Agreed....AC/DC is the way to go! Funny stuff, Linda.

Chelle James

May 20, 2011 09:58 AM

Linda, perhaps Dominique Strauss-Kahn had the rapture in mind when he did what he is accused of. A modern day 'rapture to rupture' type of story....

In any event, I wonder if he was one to check out Craigslist as a first stop whenever he was in a particular city?

designanator

May 20, 2011 10:00 AM

~L~ IT'S THE END OF THE WORLD AS WE KNOW IT, AND I FEEL FINE....Teeheehee!! :D

Tinkerertink69

May 20, 2011 10:05 AM

Chelle: It's the only way to go.. Hells Bells and all:)
Designanator: I htink he just used the help..:)
Tink me too! HUGGGGGGGG

Linda Seccaspina

May 20, 2011 10:11 AM

Chelle: It's the only way to go.. Hells Bells and all:)
Designanator: I htink he just used the help..:)
Tink me too! HUGGGGGGGG

Linda Seccaspina

May 20, 2011 10:11 AM

Funny post. I didn't realize the guy that was predicting the rapture was from Oakland. We do have some rare breeds around here.

rugrat

May 20, 2011 10:12 AM

Hope I'll be seeing you at the massive Left Behind party in a few days Linda.

Abrawang

May 20, 2011 10:16 AM

Rigrat: I think there are rare breeds everywhere.. you are looking at one hahha

Linda Seccaspina

May 20, 2011 10:17 AM

Abrawang: bring the cocktails :)

Linda Seccaspina

May 20, 2011 10:17 AM

I bet there are some loony tunes out there actually living it up thinking this is the end!!!!
Hahaha!
Great post!
R

Susie Lindau

May 20, 2011 10:21 AM

Yep Susie: I am scared to even think about it :)

Linda Seccaspina

May 20, 2011 10:24 AM

Man Of Mystery Seeks Last-Chance Enigmatic Rendezvous.
Mammals only.
Inquire within.

J. P. Major

May 20, 2011 10:27 AM

Have you seen..there ARE actual ads being run for people offering--for generous pay--to care for your pets and to sell your property and turn the proceeds over to your favorite still remaining charities..just sign here on the dotted line. Happy rapture everyone.

Satori1

May 20, 2011 10:32 AM

those are parodies? see you on sunday

note: since Elton John won't get in
can you try to book him for AT&T?

ume

May 20, 2011 10:33 AM

I tried to call in Rapture today but the boss wasn't going for it. That and I offered to host the Left Behind orgy since those of us left aren't going to heaven anyhow, why worry about it.

ocularnervosa

May 20, 2011 10:33 AM

Are you holding off paying any bills until next week?

Catherine Forsythe

May 20, 2011 10:39 AM

my last trip for the relationship train--no baggage!

Christine Bollerud

May 20, 2011 10:41 AM

I have never had a repair guy show up in drag. Life is so much more exciting in the big city.

another steve s

May 20, 2011 10:45 AM

Just in case, I'm greasing my slingshot to take upward pot shots as the righteous ascend. Then I'll be off to raid their refrigerators.

another steve s

May 20, 2011 10:46 AM

JP: You are the man of mystery ma cher hahah- Mamals only? LOL

Satori: I know Catherine Forsythe did an article on it yesterday. INCREDIBLE

Ume: Okay , as long as he plays Tiny Dancer:)

Catherine: Bills? :) Steve says if the earthquake in NZ is tonight he is really going to freak out.. I am going to have my hands full :)

Neil Paul: so clever you little ahh devil you
Christine: THE ONLY way to go now..:)

Linda Seccaspina

May 20, 2011 10:48 AM

Is it punishment to be raptured off the planet, or punishment to be left on it? I will sit on our balcony and watch the sunset view with some popcorn, hopefully my sweetie will want a date.

Oryoki Bowl

May 20, 2011 10:49 AM

WoooooHooooo! EEEEEEPPPPPPPP!!!!!!!

Susie Lindau

May 20, 2011 10:50 AM

hehehehe and i have my 1963 elementary school reunion tomorrow night north of philly i'm not kidding! r.

Jonathan Wolfman

May 20, 2011 10:50 AM

and mazal tov on the EP!

Jonathan Wolfman

May 20, 2011 10:52 AM

Susie: Thanks girl.. between the Technorati article yesterday and this I am going down smiling..:) HUGGGGGGG

JON; OMG!!! LOL!! Please wear devil horns.. and thank you. I do believe Emily did not choose it for the words.. She chose it for the AC/DC music.. Rock on Jon!!

Oryoki: Excellent questions to ponder over martinis with flaming umbrellas..:)

Linda Seccaspina

May 20, 2011 11:02 AM

waiting to see how my umbrella handles the rain of fire...

Brian B

May 20, 2011 11:56 AM

Contrats on the EP! Rated for hilarity.

bluestocking babe

May 20, 2011 12:00 PM

I think Ill drive by the graveyard here to see those souls go up. It is going to be quite a show. Did you know in the big graveyards everyone is buried facing East so they will be in the right position for the rapture. It is going to be soo amazing and I am so ready to lose the right wing christians.

zanelle

May 20, 2011 12:05 PM

Is it too late to hedge our bets? I mean, maybe if we put a little winky wink at the end of these hilarious blasphemous things, ya know? ;-D

Matt Paust

May 20, 2011 12:08 PM

Linda--these are priceless: "I develop an accent when I'm naked with a girl." "I’ve also got a great pair of brains - both left and right." Your imagination and sense of humor are densely caloric.

Jerry DeNuccio

May 20, 2011 01:43 PM

Linda, I'm telling everyone to stand in a tall doorway, on a tall ladder...

Gary Justis

May 20, 2011 02:40 PM

I think there might be lots of babies born nine months after May 21!

Lea Lane

May 20, 2011 02:42 PM

In view of the virginity loss personals, better la petite mort than the Final Exit, I guess. =o) Or at least try to experience the one before the other! =o)

Whether it happens or it doesn't, I suspect I'll still be here at 7:00 p.m. tomorrow. Not worrying about any earthquakes until and unless USGS says so.

rated for fin de vie funnies!

Shiral

May 20, 2011 03:04 PM

Were we given a time? I have a dinner theater I don't want to miss.

Chrissie Pissie

May 20, 2011 03:17 PM

Oh well. It was fun while it lasted. Might as well go out with a bang. Congrats.

Sarah Cavanaugh

May 20, 2011 04:36 PM

Very funny stuff as usual. Congrats on the EP. -R-

Christine Geery

May 20, 2011 04:41 PM

LMAO! I'll be right here with you, Linda. I have no delusions of being among the chosen. These ads are hilarious.

Lezlie

L in the Southeast

May 20, 2011 05:18 PM

I'd rather grok god.

geezerchick

May 20, 2011 05:21 PM

Sorry guys, I got annoyed at Open Salon and then another site I write on threw me a tag of Justin Bieber's new Perfume (not doing it thank you very much), then I could not get my laundy in because the 18 years olds were doing a month's of laundry.
So I ran away to Chinatown:)

Linda Seccaspina

May 20, 2011 05:25 PM

Sorry guys, I got annoyed at the slowness of Open Salon and then another site I write on threw me a tag of Justin Bieber's new Perfume (not doing it thank you very much), then I could not get my laundy in because the 18 years olds were doing a month's of laundry.
So I ran away to Chinatown:)

Linda Seccaspina

May 20, 2011 05:25 PM

LOL Brian.. Hope it's a Canadian one!! :)
BLuestocking: this was supposed to be my only post today and then Emily got me going with that challenge!
Zanelle: OMG I did not know that
Matt: What are the odds?
Willl: Many offers of viginity being offered this weekend:)
INk: You just go girl..:)
Jerry: I may be aging but I still like to laugh.:)
Gary: LOL
Lea: OMG I never thought of that.,:)

Linda Seccaspina

May 20, 2011 05:29 PM

We are living in interesting times. But then, we have often done so in the history of mankind.
♥R

FusunA

May 20, 2011 05:29 PM

Shiral: Merci ma cher!
Chrissie: I htink 11 PST tonight? First wave???
Sarah: yes we should
Christine: Hugs and thanks!!
Lezlie.. I really love the idea of Brian Wilson as the devil..:)
Geezerchick.: HUGGGGGG
Fusuns: We sure are..

Linda Seccaspina

May 20, 2011 05:33 PM

(I felt the earth move, honey. Did you feel the earth move...??? Honey? )
Fun stuff, Linda. See you at the post-rapture loot-a-thon. Dibs on Harold Camping's BMW!

Ann Bancroft

May 20, 2011 05:51 PM

I've done it all, can't think of anything I missed. Guess I am ready as I will ever be. I want to go out like Slim Pickins in Dr. Strangelove.

dianaani

May 20, 2011 06:18 PM

I didnt even hear of the guy till yesterday, that is how big a deal he is!! Loved this write,, sooo funny!

cindy Prochnow

May 20, 2011 06:19 PM

Congrads dear girl!!

cindy Prochnow

May 20, 2011 06:20 PM

Delightful! Et felicitations pour le Editors Pick - bien mérité, comme toujours!

Alysa Salzberg

May 20, 2011 06:35 PM

Totally rated . . . toasting you tonight and tomorrow, Ms. Linda!

Owl_Says_Who

May 20, 2011 07:05 PM

I agree with what Neil Paul said....LOL. Congrats on another EP and cover!!!! You deserve it!

From The Midwest

May 20, 2011 07:18 PM

Ann- BMW? BMW??
Dianaani: I love Slim Pickens:)
Cindy: HUGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG
Alysa: Vous aussi!:)

Linda Seccaspina

May 20, 2011 07:24 PM

EVERYTHING MUST GO!!

vzn

May 20, 2011 08:31 PM

Well deserved EP, you are on a roll Sister Linda, your imagination is on fire.
rated with love

RomanticPoetess

May 20, 2011 08:38 PM

Maurene: Avast the virgins!!
Owl: thank you and mega hugs
Midwest.. love you .. you.. culinary genius
VZn: Of course!!!
R poetess.. HUGGGGGGGGG

Linda Seccaspina

May 20, 2011 08:56 PM

Fabulous as always! See ya Sunday...
R

Stacye Carroll

May 20, 2011 10:55 PM

LOL Stayce... yes you will.:)

Linda Seccaspina

May 21, 2011 01:03 AM

Celebrating the rapture with a 6 PM dinner reservation with my hubby. If I'm goin' , I'll do it while downing a great cocktail.

lschmoopie

May 21, 2011 05:29 AM

Your AdSense feed tossed up a Walt Disney World promo just as I was reading this!

That pitcher is a nice big hairy piece of alrighty now man fancy. Dressed as the devil? Perhaps even a bit more alluring...

(Did I say that out loud? The world must be ending.)

Linda Treiber

May 21, 2011 08:03 AM

Congratulations. EP! EP mean you go get picked up and go off into the sky!

If Chelle James like chilly - Let's meet? If we merry-me? You goofy ay?
I hope in heavin' Chelle James loves tuna fish on rye with jelly. Aye!
`
On day-one of my coming hither to fiddle 'round on the firmament?
`
I still haven't had a swell woman who's my enlightenment soft pillar!
huh...
Nature tease me and depart from me a sweet woman on this earth?
I left behind...
I right behind ...
You need one hug?
A full Life at having a Life is behind me. My time has past for hugs.
huh. maybe a smooch?
Now, sitting on a plump behind with a Whooped behind I left a pie.
I mean a apple dumped pie.
You can stomp feet on pie.
Then, meet Chelle in hell?
No, mary me for a name.
You'd be in sky with me.
Be one plump Chelle.
I buy you jelly bun.
A heaven sky bun.
Trample sky bum.
Gonna too goofy?
Gaud gonna bum?
God bum 2- buns.

Art James

May 21, 2011 08:16 AM

Clever as usual, Linda! I want to meet the people who are left, so we can party like it's 1999.
Somehow, I have a hard time believing that anyone determined to lose their virginity should have a problem. No proof. Just a lifetime of observation.

Rodney Roe

May 21, 2011 10:14 AM

:-) LOL Oh, my you have me rolling on the floor laughing. Truly laughing. I think I can study easier now. Catch you later.

Rated Rated Rated and Rated some more

Kimberly Rooney

May 21, 2011 03:59 PM

and here
i thought i'd never find
a true love...

you've solved all my
problems
now i have a date
for the end of
the world party
i've been invited to.

Amber Erling

May 21, 2011 04:09 PM

It's not like it's the end of the world or anything, but ooops, missed this post yesterday! Just catching up . .. it's a bright sunny day, as far as I can see... and I live in Detroit!!! :)