Last week I wrote a blog about vibrating appliances and some readers were quite disappointed that I had not touched upon another subject. Well today the time has come. I read yesterday that in May of 2009 a woman from Maryland was injured from a vibrator that was attached to a saber saw blade. It was ridiculous foreplay and it could have killed someone.

According to the NBC news her husband had attached it to the saw after reading about it on the internet.  The saw cut through the plastic and her injuries were severe enough for a medevac.  The local sheriff's office said there was no crime committed, and the item was buried in the news until I decided to erect it again today.

Rule number 1: Creative sex toy assembly was never taught in shop for a reason.

I started selling love toys in the early 70’s when no one really carried them. I know I have already told the stories of how I used to venture down to seedy Canal Street in New York City to purchase them. The distributor was constantly monitored by the vice squad and it was like going through a current airport check to get in there. Former blogs have been written by myself of mistaking BenWa Balls for Harmony Balls but it gets worse. You should never send in a novice to buy things who do not have a clue.

Rule number 2: BenWa balls are for rocking chairs, not an accompaniment for New Age Music.

The first time I walked in there it was all above my head. I knew what a vibrator was but the other stuff just boggled my mind. So instead of looking stupid I just bought a half dozen of this and that. That is how I usually am with everything. If I like the picture on a box I will buy it. Visual is everything to me.

Things like that were very hard to get through Canadian Customs in those days. I can remember going through a set of serious questions posed to me. I had no clue to what some of this was  so I made up very creative answers. The only thing they were concerned about was that they wanted nothing entering the country that might harm the Canadian population so I told them a lot of it was jewelry and back rub ointment.

The items sold like pants on fire because no one was carrying it and we literally had lines out the door.  We also had a no refund policy.  When an overweight man comes in for a refund for a destroyed rubber doll you know it has been broken in badly. It is now completely unsellable.

Rule number 3: If it has a weight limit believe it!

The hardest part was explaining what things were to customers with a straight face. When you tell some man from the Russian Embassy that he had better be careful with that erection cream you had better make it perfectly clear. You do not want your product to be responsible for world turmoil.

Rule number 4: If it says 4 hours it means 4 hours !

  My personal favourites were the rubber pigs and sheep. They were anatomically correct and I called them "The Love Ewe" and "The Pig from Deliverance".  I must have sold 1000’s of these for shower and birthday presents. I swear everyone in the city of Ottawa had one in their home.

Rule number 5:   Please do not use rubber animals with sexy names as a flotation device.

One day singer Mojo Nixon, who was performing at Barrymores that night, came in and bought one of the sweet Love Ewe’s. That night he serenaded everyone while his Love Ewe was perched on top of his piano spraying suds. When he slid across the floor to me on his knees  still playing his guitar I was more thrilled than a vibrating pink anal plug.

Rule number 6: What goes in must come out!

Always leave them wanting more as they say, so I will leave other stories for another day. Before I sign off  I am dedicating this next rule to that poor woman in Maryland who was just not thinking that day.

Rule number 7:  If it is sold at Sears and has the name Mastercraft on it chances are it is for outside home improvement only!

Images and text: Linda Seccaspina 2011