Last week I was told once again by certain people that I am not good enough to go to heaven. Then I watched the 2006 film Jesus Camp and realized why some people believe that I am going to hell. I understand there are a lot of people that do not believe in God and having an after life. So as not to ruffle anyone’s feathers let’s call it “the beach”.

I believe everyone has a right to go to the beach and no one should be an elitist about it. I also think that no man or woman can decide who gets to sit on that sand. Only the Lifeguard perched on that high chair makes that decision. Anyone who says otherwise has their lifesaver on a little too tight and they had better watch it or it is going to explode.

The Dick and Jane I used to read about in elementary school were definite candidates to go to that sandy beach. They had a nice home that was probably paid off and had the perfect family.  No one was failing in school and I never read about Spot and Puff breeding a cast of thousands. They were the people that the Lifeguard would approve of and were probably part of Becky Fisher’s “Kids on Fire” at Jesus Camp in the summer.

So what would happen if they went astray? Would they still get to suntan on that beach? You tell me. What if they weren’t kickin’ it anymore for the lifeguard?

"Look Jane, Look! Look at Spot! See Spot run. See Spot go. Go Spot!”

              Spot got hit by a truck one fateful day and that was the beginning of the end for Jane. She spent the next few months in her room cuddling Tim the Teddy Bear. Things got so bad that she ran away from home at the age of fifteen and became an underage pole dancer. Then she got involved with a john of ill repute and he took Jane’s life. Sad to say he had read the old primers in which Dick and Jane were given zip-up laundry bags to use as toys. Jane died because her murderer thought they were safe to play with.

“When I dance I really have to make sure that it’s for God, because people will notice when I’m just dancing for the flesh.  I do that sometimes and I must admit I really need to get over that.”- Jane

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       "See Dick run. Look at Dick run! Go Dick. Go fast Dick"

       Yes Dick became a 'dick". He grew up basically by himself after Jane locked herself away and Mom and Dad drank themselves to death after Spot died. Dick became a Republican artist copying works of Jackson Pollock and selling them to local furniture stores in the 70's. He moved to Utah after trying to join Andy Warhol’s 'factory' and became a Polygamist. Years down the road he attempted to write a book about his family called "The New We Came and Went" but it quickly became bargain basement fodder. He quickly sank into depression and only then was he featured on  the "E Hollywood Story". The HBO series “Big Love” is loosely based on his life.

[Referring to President George W. Bush] He has really brought some real credibility, um, to the Christian faith.” - Dick

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           "See Sally run. Look at Sally run! Go Sally Go"


       So what did we really know about Sally? Sally obviously did not know who she was either because she had more personalities than "Sybil". In the primers Sally had really loved Puff the cat. When Puff died Sally had the feline stuffed and wrote the taxidermist a bad cheque. That was the first of many bad cheques for years to come. Every week another personality of hers signed another cheque, and every week her 'rap" sheet got bigger. Sally was featured on "America's Most Wanted” and then she was seen once again on the show "Cops".

                             "See Sally run. See Sally kick ass"

           If you see Sally, $100,000 reward can be yours!

“When I grow up, I want to be a manicurist. I can talk about Christ as I do their nails & I could play Christian music in the background. It would be very relaxing."- Sally

I am not an atheist; in fact I have a lot of faith. What I do not care for is the insanity of people telling me how to live my spiritual life like a Dick and Jane primer. All of this should be between me and the lifeguard because he knows what roads I have traveled and where I am going.  Even though they think they know everything;  they have absolutely no clue. Unlike them I  am going to watch, look and spread love not hate because you just never know,

                         "Heaven could be a place on earth!"

 “All I really need to know about how to live and what to do and how to be I learned in kindergarten. Remember the Dick-and-Jane books and the first word you learned--the biggest word of all--look.”

 Robert Fulghum quote

 ** And now I see that the West Baptist Church has won in the Supreme Court. These are not loving people by any count in my mind. Certainly not beach material.

Text: Linda Seccaspina 2011

Quotes: Jesus Camp film

Images: Google