Lack of respect for the living and the dead these days makes me really angry. I don't get it, and it really sickens me.
I am the last living member of my family, and will eventually fall to the final blows of the dreaded family disease.
It's called Lymphoma.
I am one year over the family 'cease and desist' deadline. Yes, the terminal family tree line has been passed by one single lowly year.
All of them died way too young, from ages 19 to 58. Yes, they all sought help, and got worse.
When it finally rears its ugly head inside me, it's a done deal.
No help, and absolutely no professional advice. Please just let me sit on the couch, watch reruns of Green Acres, and fade away.
I want to die like the first Queen Elizabeth. She knew the end was near, so she stood by a window proudly, until she gasped her last breath.
I refuse to have people sit by my bedside wringing their hands, and crying. I will not let them watch me getting sicker from the chemo, and other things that never helped anyone that had a blood line to me.
I refuse to have someone appointed to give me permission to die in my last hours. They will not watch my heartbeat monitor go to zero.
I will not have them have to clean up my room while I lay there dead with my eyes still open, because of lagging cuts to services.
People talk about death sometimes like it's never going to happen. Well it is, and I have had it thrown in my face too many times.
No matter what was tried, or how hard I prayed; they died.
And there is nothing I, or anyone else, could do about it.
Nothing.
So what happens when I have no more say about my life anymore? What happens when I can no longer do anything about it?
Who has the decency to give me my last wishes?
Who has it in their heart, to respect what I want?
I want to be cremated, and not buried.
I don't want my ashes in a cemetery with a headstone.
I want no funeral, nor people standing around mourning. If they did not care about me in life, then why bother to come and mourn me?
I want my ashes divided in half, and one half is to go under the fairy in the old garden. The other half goes to the person that holds my soul.
I want the song 'Time of your Life' by Green Day blasted over a car stereo.
That's it, and that is all.
No more, no less.
Sunday, I went to the Decoration service for my late father in law. Decoration Day is the annual day to mourn the dead at the cemetery.
But in my books, it's the only time it seems, that someone comes to visit their loved ones at the graveyard.
My father in law's last wishes was that he was to be cremated. He was buried instead.
I listened to three people talking beside a headstone in front of me on Sunday.
The lady on the right told the other two that the last wishes of the deceased was not to have any holy words said over her.
Well, they thought it was wrong, and brought in a minister to say words of God over her grave.
Another man is seen frantically running around looking for his brother's grave.
Seems he was at the wrong cemetery. So much for brotherly love.
I looked at all the beautiful flowers everywhere. People took the time and spent money for this one sacred day, but where were they last week, last month, or last year?
No where. The dead were all alone.
Yes, I realize people will not agree with my thoughts. Some may even shake their head in anger, and say I am selfish.
Selfish to whom?
In the end it's respect about personal choice isn't it?
I hope someone has the decency to give me my last wishes.
I really do.
"It's something unpredictable, but in the end I hope they make it right"
" Because I had the time of my life."
OPEN CALL : Linnnn has suggested we make this an Open Call. I think that is a brilliant idea. After all, if we do not have our friends on Open Salon to stand by us, then who do we have?
This is Jeremiah's Open call input.. Enjoy!
http://open.salon.com/blog/jeremiah_horrigan/2010/08/15/a_cancer_catechism
Libmomrn also did this.,
http://open.salon.com/blog/libmomrn/2010/08/19/the_forbiddenand_avoided_talk
Brassawe did this one which is amazing:
http://open.salon.com/blog/brassawe/2010/08/19/last_wishes_last_reality
Somber Words and Images by Linda Seccaspina 2010
In Memory of:
Frederick J Knight Jr, died at age 19
Bernice E Knight, died at age 34
Robin Knight Nutbown, died at age 40.
Arthur J Knight died at age 58
And the list goes on and on
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Greg Correll
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Andrea Higbie
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Comments
You won;t really know will you??:)
We just scattered my neice's ashes in the ocean and it was truly beautiful. A couple of weeks before she was killed in a car
accident she told her grandmother she wanted to be cremated and her ashes scattered into the ocean, and its taken me several years to do this for her but it's finally been done.
On a bright sunny day, her two brothers took the bag of ashes and let them float into the cool blue water. I read the Parable of Immortality by Van Dyke. So fitting and so lovely and such a tribute to life.
"I am standing upon the seashore. A ship at my side spreads her white sails to the morning breeze and starts for the blue ocean. She is an object of beauty and strength, and I stand and watch until at last she hangs like a speck of white cloud just where the sea and sky come down to mingle with each other. Then someone at my side says, 'There she goes!'
Gone where? Gone from my sight ... that is all. She is just as large in mast and hull and spar as she was when she left my side and just as able to bear her load of living freight to the place of destination. Her diminished size is in me, not in her. And just at the moment when someone at my side says, 'There she goes!' there are other eyes watching her coming and their voices ready to take up the glad shouts 'Here she comes!'"
~
NOTE: I am hoping that your last wishes do not have to be dealt with for about another hundred years by the way.
Then I see the surroundings and fear my remains might be trapped in a box for eternity.
That is my greatest fear.
What you did was beautiful and from your soul.
I love you much, but I think you know that.
I appreciate your words.
Beautifully written.
Shabbat Shalom.
Who has it in their heart, to respect what I want?"
A lawyer. Draw up your last wishes, put them in writing, make it official and prepay for it. Make the lawyer guardian of your remains and that way they will fulfill your final wishes. That's my plan.
You may already know of this, but if you google "five wishes", it takes you to a website where you will find a form that addresses your treatment and care while dying, if you are unable to speak for yourself. Includes who should know your wishes.
The song I want? John Prine's "Please Don't Bury Me Down In That Cold, Cold Ground." (I'd rather have them cut me up/pass me all around etc.)
Me I'm gonna have them play, the Beatle's Love, Love, Love so my relatives can bawl their eyes out. Cheers.
I hope someone sees fit to honour your wishes, but in the meantime, Linda, live long and prosper.
PS, one of my buddies just beat lymphoma, and it was up to Stage 4 at one point. Coupla years later, no sign of it. The treatments have gotten much better.
He will discover two worlds existing at the same time. Each world has its own way of looking at the past; each with its own tomorrow. In one world, the past is relived; tomorrow means death and nothing more. In the other world, the past is forgiven; the future means life unending.
He will choose the latter.
I was thinking about it, but did not know how people would feel.
Every morning I get up and I know you are here.
Some may be cranky, some may be happy, but you are all here for me.
You are my family. Dysfunctional or not.:)
Of course what am I saying here?:)
You see I have fought off the family disease. Yes, I fought.
But now, I prefer to do it my way, a peaceful way when or if it comes back.
I thank you for allowing me to share this
Sixty I am going to look that up because I am not going to end up like my father in law
Through my eyes , you are always the smart gal and I have read your stories abut your Mum and am truly rooting for this strong woman.
Linnn, I am going to edit this and tell everyone if they so wish to write about it to do so
Scarlett, as soon as I met Jack I knew he was like me:).. Yes tis for the living, but I have to live with the sad thought that Nono's wishes were not carried out.
Brian, I have kicked shit every moment I can.:)
David, just like IZ. :).. I know the treatments have gotten better, and my sister Robin was told that. Never been sick a day in her life.
Then bang, she was down, and I saw the same look in her eyes , I had seen in everyone else's. Six months later she was gone.
I live for each day to read a chapter.
If you have not read his serial, please go.
I love him.
http://open.salon.com/blog/jbkeena/2010/08/18/the_road_to_sedona
Happy Blogging,
Heather
Yes to the Viking funeral..
YES YES YES..:)
You have fought like hell and survived.
You are my heroe
But you know, no matter how many in your family had the same disease, we are not them, so I wold not leave that hovering over you. And Nonno is so overjoyed where he is, what people did with his body after he left it must seems pretty irrelevant. I think spirits do understand rites of burial are more to comfort the living. Unless you leave very explicit instruction with a third party who will respect your wishes because they are not emotionally invested in them.
I am sorry you have had to endure so many losses. Not easy, I know. Hugs
My thoughts were tending in this direction yesterday. Trust it was not a very happy day.
At any rate, it is a real practical question. THe dead can be ignored with impunity.
I know I cannot count on my spouse/daughter to do the one thing that I want and that is not to have my mother in law, sister and law and her daughter there. Spouse told them I had breast cancer and they did not even send their best wishes, much less a card.
Dead I may be, but I want no one dancing on my grave.
Lawyer is probably it.
Peace, love, live long and prosper
Rated.
Ame i, I so agree with the both of you.
Myriad,Linn was right, this is an Open Call
This is such a lovely idea about the ring.
Jane Bourne, I have sent emails too but fear they might not be fufilled.As for the Irish wake,I would not mind that :)
I am fascinated by death and dying rituals and traditions, I'm not sure why.
I was really struck by your comment that being trapped in a box for eternity is your greatest fear. It makes me curious about your beliefs in the afterlife: do you believe in your soul living on, and if so, do you believe that your soul will be affected by the fate of your remains?
I hope this question doesn't offend you, I'm just genuinely curious.
my mom has lymphoma and we just found out my dad has intestinal cancer. my odds aren't looking all that great either. glad you've beat the "ceast and desist" of your line. i hope you continue to for many years to come:)
He didn't strictly follow this maxim, but he left a fucking mess of an estate.
However, he did make an effort to clean things up, although it went against his general character.
And he left a real mess. But you know, he was right.
His estate was MY problem, not his. And I don't blame him.
Your last wishes are really the problem of your living descendants.
That's my opinion.
People should be loving and kind now- its too late after someone has died, and at that point, any expressions of love or affection are useless or hypocritical- at least to the deceased...
That being said- I hope you have many happy years ahead of you. You know how much you mean to me.
.
Damn it, I hate to ask this. Would you mind sending me a private message briefly explaining how one responds to an Open Call from another blogger as opposed, say, to one from management? Briefly. I am quick on the uptake in some areas of life.
Caroline K, thanks so much
Greenheron- hugs to you..BIG ONES
It started when I used to read stories of people being in comas and being buried alive. I know things have changes but-
I have claustrophobia to the 9th degree. I know I am dead but it's the thought.
I believe we assume another life. I know I have had past lives.
We just keep going around in a revolving door.
Lemonpulp.. stay strong
Nic .. I inherited some problems of my dads too.. I understand
Bernadine.. your dad is so funny.
Scanner, I think everyone should write about this
I LOVE that Green Day song.
Rated!
Nikki- sending thanks and hugs
Brassawe- I just Pm's you
Bluestocking- I do too..hug
http://open.salon.com/blog/marge_walker
You, my friend will be here a while - you're too "pissy" not to.
oxox
Brassawe, I just read it.. It went up this afternoon so I missed it.
Fetlock.. love you much
Owl.. the sky burial sounds like a blast
chuck.. you are so right
cranky.. I know.. I promise tomorrow will be funny.
welcome back.
Yes I have done a lot of grave watching this week.
Im trying to spread them out hahaha
OMG how original
http://open.salon.com/blog/greer_mcvay/2009/08/15/decisions_decisions
I read ben sen's advice and will go attend, I'm so grateful my mother cleaned out her junk before she died.
That said, best wishes for a full and long life to you, and I for one could not possibly ever forget you (already!) and how you offer up such gifts through your writing and comments and photos...
Glad you wrote!
Wonderful..
As for me, any loved ones who survive me are free to do with my remains whatever will give them the most peaceful closure. I would prefer to be cremated and scattered, but this preference is not strong enuf that I would dictate it to my loved ones. We don't belong to a church, so there shouldn't be any clerical intrusion.
I am so glad to see you back.
It was the Decoration Day and other things that prompted me to write this.
Just lack of respect for the living and the dead.
In my own way is right.. It is just keeping it in my own way..:)
what a great bunch you are.
I will send him that..
HUGGGGGGG
Rated
I believe in reincarnation too--I'd love to read about your past lives!
http://open.salon.com/blog/jeremiah_horrigan/2010/08/15/a_cancer_catechism
Best Wishes,
Blittie
Now I am left with question. Why is it so difficult to think about death without thinking of a piece of paper or a ritual? I do believe that the end is the end, but still think about ashes.
Good blog. We need to keep talking about this difficult topic.
Thanks for the song.
Marjorie Walker
His kids couldn't handle that.
Bellwether.. I knw you would honour last wishes though
Caroline, I touched on it once before but maybe I will again
Marjorie, I read your blog yesterday. I know I feel like you do, as having dealt with it and seen my whole family pass through it.
Its not easy to try and find inner peace
http://open.salon.com/blog/libmomrn/2010/08/19/the_forbiddenand_avoided_talk
There is a lot of disinterest in the living too, sad to say