I recently heard that an old boyfriend of mine is getting divorced after twenty-two years of marriage, and he is going to be paying his wife in excess of many, many, many thousands of dollars per month in alimony. I am heartbroken over this news.

I could use many thousands

Today is Phila's one year birthday. And we are gonna have to work out some shit because we have issues.

For one, Phila believes that when Robin leaves for work at 5:15 every morning, it is her job to alert me every four minutes that he is gone, and to

So, what's new? Not much.

Oh wait. Right. Robin got his driver's license suspended.

It's not what you think, and I know that you are thinking DUI. 

Robin was nabbed for speeding. And running a red light. And for totally being a dick to me when I was in a

I hate this kind of shit. As if I don't have enough to worry about already.

According to an article in Huffpo, by the age of 50, women should know how to do all the things listed below. This, of course, is complete bullshit; all a woman needs to know by/

Yeah, I know. I haven't blogged in a while. It's not just that I've been busy; it's that it takes so much effort to just get one thing done, you know? The universe puts out one obstacle after another. 

One morning, for instance, I wake up and say to myself,

As I watch the inauguration today, I am proud to be an American woman with bangs.

I have been waiting for this day for a long time. Fifty-eight years.

I have never been without bangs, due to my forehead being approximately three inches high due to my, evidently, skipping the

I've been thinking about Mary, as I am wont to do on Christmas eve.

Mother Mary and I are of the same generation in that we had our babies between 1 BC and 1982, before epidurals were invented. Or maybe they were invented but I guess Mary and I both

I've been thinking about Mary, as I am wont to do on Christmas eve.

Mother Mary and I are of the same generation in that we had our babies between 1 BC and 1982, before epidurals were invented. Or maybe they were invented but I guess Mary and I both

I've just spent Thanksgiving weekend with Mom which made it abundantly clear to me that I have an alarming dearth of joie de vivre. And not just compared to Mom, who is stinking lousy with zest. You could put me next to cadavers and I bet I still have less joie de vivre than/

Well, it's coming down to the wire. 

In a previous post I said that if Romney wins this election I am going to hit myself over the head with a cast iron frying pan until I lose consciousness for four years. However, it has come to my attention that in

There's this intersection I drive through, like, a billion times a week and every single time I drive through it I remember that I do not know if it's okay to make a right turn on the red arrow or not.

I've been wondering about it for almost seventeen years,

I am pretty worried about some shit.

I am worried that the dull ache in my upper left molar means I am going to need yet another root canal. 

I am worried that I will never learn to use my i-phone and I will spend the rest of my life

I am in that awkward in-between stage of life: too young to totally let myself go, and too lazy to improve myself.

Maybe I will just end this post at that last sentence. I mean, really, what more can I say about the topic that is going to matter?

Dr.

Thirty two years ago (this Friday), Robin and I had a huge fucking fight about something stupid. And by "stupid", I mean it was possibly my fault. At the core of the fight was an issue that continues to plague us to this day: I think it is hilarious when

After 5773 years, I have finally figured out how to improve upon Yom Kippur:

You see, here's the deal: If I follow God's instruction to fast on Yom Kippur, I will feel virtuous and my clothes will feel nice and loose all that long prayerful day. Which will make me

After 5773 years, I have finally figured out how to improve upon Yom Kippur:

You see, here's the deal: If I follow God's instruction to fast on Yom Kippur, I will feel virtuous and my clothes will feel nice and loose all that long prayerful day. Which will make me

I cannot remember why I came into this room but since the computer is in here, it must have been to do something on the computer.

And now I cannot remember what it was that I needed to do on the computer so I figured I may as well write

I was going to add my blah blah blah to the Todd Akin thing but, honestly, I am too tired.

Oh, wait. Maybe just this one thing:

His logic is kinda awesome. Like, I am pretty sure I legitimately ate five bagels yesterday so, according to Akins, my body will shut down/

As of this morning, I am a Very Valued Customer at Safeway Market. An assistant manager came out of her cubicle to tell me so. She congratulated me and gave me her work cell phone number and her business card. Which has only her first name and her work cell phone number/

Fuuuuck. I have such a huge "To Do" list. Pobrecita yo. And I cannot get to any of it because I have a broken finger.

A broken finger. My first broken bone. Which probably speaks to the physical risks I have taken in the past 58 years. Or even the

I cannot discuss that book with you. Because my MOM read it and then she will call me and want to discuss it with me and then I will have to pour hot tar up my nose and into my brain so I can die. My mom is super open