MARCH 25, 2014 1:21PM

My Million Dollar Idea

I have got to come up with my million dollar idea soon. I only have $34.00 in my checking account.

I really thought my big idea of the drive-through salad bar was going to be my ticket outta here. Dig it: you pull in, they give you a bowl and aRead full post »

FEBRUARY 9, 2014 4:35PM

House Arrest Is Best

DAY FOUR OF THE SNOWSTORM!

From what I've gleaned off of Facebook, people are ignoring the alerts to stay indoors and they are leaving their houses. In the snow and ice. To go places.

 I really don't get it.

I must have been born without the cabin fever gene because I am startingRead full post »

JANUARY 18, 2014 4:09PM

My Panda, My Self

I was listening to NPR recently, to learn a few facts that I could insert into conversation should I ever be court-ordered to go outside my house and socialize with people.

I am always on the lookout for conversation topics, as  - despite my propencity for long, drawn out essays onRead full post »

Okay.

I am giving up white bread. And white rice. And all white food.

And, please, don't go writing in to tell me how you gave us white food and now you are happy and healthy and bluebirds braid your hair in the morning. I am not interested.

I'm not doing this toRead full post »

NOVEMBER 7, 2013 7:04PM

My Mom and the Pope's Penis

Next April, when I turn 60, I will be eligible for senior services, including moving into the Jewish old age home.

This is awesome news.

A nice apartment, a restaurant on-site, a cleaning service, transporation to anywhere I want to go in Portland, and an emergency call button next to the… Read full post »

OCTOBER 29, 2013 11:45AM

Anti Bias Like Me

I have just spent seven hours at an anti-bias workshop, examining my deep-seated, unidentified racial and cultural issues, and I've come away with a revelation about myself:

I totally need to get a black friend.

Yeah, well, there is Wade, my original black friend but he's been ducking me lately. HeRead full post »

SEPTEMBER 29, 2013 5:31PM

My Health Plan

Summer is long gone but for the liver spots on my face.

I am hoping my liver spots will just connect to each other, resulting in a beautiful overall dark complexion. I am not without a low-cost beauty plan for my sixth decade. With Obamacare hanging so precariously in the balance,… Read full post »

I have a little plot of land in tony Lake Oswego. It's up in the hills, very pretty, in a nice neighborhood within walking distance to Starbucks and Bellagio's pizza.  Which will be very convenient when I move there, since I won't have a car as I will be dead.

Read full post »
SEPTEMBER 12, 2013 5:35PM

Let Us Number Our Minutes

What with Yom Kippur being just around the corner, I have taken a moment to reflect upon my life. And so, in the spirit of numbering my days, I gone back and calculated a few things. 

I present to you, my Jewish year 5773 in minutes:

Minutes I spent this

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AUGUST 25, 2013 6:25PM

Smighty Mouse Is On Her Way

The Atonement clock is ticking. Yom Kippur is just weeks away. I am going to have to begin my apologies in the next few days if I'm going to get around to everyone. It's been a busy year. Lots of assholes. 

Oh wait. I'm supposed to atone because I was the asshole. Damn./Read full post »

JULY 29, 2013 4:32PM

The Fifty Percent Solution

Oh my GAWD. Robin is such a baby.

All I said to him yesterday was, "About 50% of the time, I wish you were dead", and he cannot let it go. All day long - at the hardware store, at lunch, at the river -  he's all, "really? You wish

Read full post »
JUNE 29, 2013 1:37PM

Sticks and Stoned

Nina and David are coming up to visit next week. And may I just say, YAHOO.

We have begun planning. Nina emailed this morning to say that all she wants to do is lie around on the back deck chaise lounges and eat sushi. I am exceedingly relieved to hear

Read full post »
JUNE 27, 2013 10:46PM

The Old Ladies And The Sea

Sometimes - coming out of the shower and catching a glimpse of my naked self, for instance - a great notion is born. Like, to get rid of mirrors in the bathroom. Or blind myself with an ice pick. 

Last week, however, I had a new notion:

A water aerobics

Read full post »
JUNE 13, 2013 8:46PM

Taking /Buying Stock

I recently heard that an old boyfriend of mine is getting divorced after twenty-two years of marriage, and he is going to be paying his wife in excess of many, many, many thousands of dollars per month in alimony. I am heartbroken over this news.

I could use many thousands

Read full post »
MAY 13, 2013 4:00PM

Man vs Woman vs Dog

Today is Phila's one year birthday. And we are gonna have to work out some shit because we have issues.

For one, Phila believes that when Robin leaves for work at 5:15 every morning, it is her job to alert me every four minutes that he is gone, and to

Read full post »
APRIL 21, 2013 6:35PM

Driving Miss Robin

So, what's new? Not much.

Oh wait. Right. Robin got his driver's license suspended.

It's not what you think, and I know that you are thinking DUI. 

Robin was nabbed for speeding. And running a red light. And for totally being a dick to me when I was in a

Read full post »
APRIL 3, 2013 7:30PM

My Current APGAR

I hate this kind of shit. As if I don't have enough to worry about already.

According to an article in Huffpo, by the age of 50, women should know how to do all the things listed below. This, of course, is complete bullshit; all a woman needs to know by/

Read full post »
MARCH 24, 2013 2:07AM

There's A Hole In My Bucket, part 2

Yeah, I know. I haven't blogged in a while. It's not just that I've been busy; it's that it takes so much effort to just get one thing done, you know? The universe puts out one obstacle after another. 

One morning, for instance, I wake up and say to myself,

Read full post »
JANUARY 21, 2013 7:11PM

Bang Bang

As I watch the inauguration today, I am proud to be an American woman with bangs.

I have been waiting for this day for a long time. Fifty-eight years.

I have never been without bangs, due to my forehead being approximately three inches high due to my, evidently, skipping the

Read full post »
DECEMBER 25, 2012 2:02AM

Mary's Birth Plan

I've been thinking about Mary, as I am wont to do on Christmas eve.

Mother Mary and I are of the same generation in that we had our babies between 1 BC and 1982, before epidurals were invented. Or maybe they were invented but I guess Mary and I both

Read full post »
DECEMBER 25, 2012 2:01AM

Mary's Birth Plan

I've been thinking about Mary, as I am wont to do on Christmas eve.

Mother Mary and I are of the same generation in that we had our babies between 1 BC and 1982, before epidurals were invented. Or maybe they were invented but I guess Mary and I both

Read full post »
DECEMBER 3, 2012 12:45PM

Stripping To My Socks

re the winter Olympics coming soon? Or did we already have them? What with my grueling training schedule for Bedroom Sock Skating, I lose track of the year. Also, what with my day drinking and loose interpretation of Xanax dosage.

You wouldn't know it to look at me but I amRead full post »

NOVEMBER 28, 2012 3:49PM

The Life of Pie

I've just spent Thanksgiving weekend with Mom which made it abundantly clear to me that I have an alarming dearth of joie de vivre. And not just compared to Mom, who is stinking lousy with zest. You could put me next to cadavers and I bet I still have less joie de vivre than/

Read full post »
NOVEMBER 4, 2012 10:45PM

Preparing For The Worst

Well, it's coming down to the wire. 

In a previous post I said that if Romney wins this election I am going to hit myself over the head with a cast iron frying pan until I lose consciousness for four years. However, it has come to my attention that in

Read full post »
OCTOBER 21, 2012 3:29PM

Me And My (Red) Arrow

There's this intersection I drive through, like, a billion times a week and every single time I drive through it I remember that I do not know if it's okay to make a right turn on the red arrow or not.

I've been wondering about it for almost seventeen years,

Read full post »