Abraham Lincoln is responsible for all of this shit. - Doug Socks 

“Hey, at least I didn’t have slave teeth dentures. Washington was the real douche. Fucking guy was masochist! Think about it. Who the fuck wants teeth from a fucking dead guy in their goddamn mouth? That sick fucker was ripping the goddamn teeth outta some poor, unlucky ass n***** for his fucking dentures! They didn’t have fucking Novocain back then! That’s torture! He tortured innocent people so he didn‘t have to eat soup. Fuck that guy, man!” -Abraham Lincoln on George Washington seconds before he was shot by an asshole we shouldn‘t have to remember.

Oh put away your special ’for when I get offended by what some asshole says on the internet’ box of Kleenex, you nostalgic bleeding heart dipshits, this isn’t a racist rant.

This is the living word of Doug, and it will change your life forever.

If by some miracle our scientists unlock the secret of time travel, I hope the very first thing we do is hop in and zip our ass back to Feb 12 1809 and perform a really late term abortion on infant Lincoln with a fucking WWI trench knife.

(Oh save your hate mail, pissy von offendenstien, time travel isn’t real which makes this fictional. Now turn off the internal alarm and lower the red flags, it gets better I promise.)

Trust me whoever kills Lincoln will feel justified if they read this.

If Lincoln had never been born, the Civil War would never have happened. Most people in politics sure as hell didn’t want a costly war over taxes couched in the bullshit wallpaper of abolition. Lincoln wanted to grossly grow the Union’s coffers and he sure as hell didn’t want to lose all the money those states represented. There would have been a legal (yes, I said legal) and peaceful separation of the Union and the Confederacy, with never a shot fired.

All the history books agree that it wouldn’t have gone down without him.

Oh but what about those poor slaves?

Yes, what about them?

In less than 50 years they would have been free anyway. Between the rapid spread of liberation theology, abolitionist movements and trade embargos from slave free nations, the south would have eventually capitulated.

This time without 618,000 needless deaths in our nations most bloody and terrible conflict. More than any war after.

The fucked up reformation would have looked at lot less like American history X and a lot more like England where blacks just got jobs and education.

Oh really, you’re going to say 50 more years of Kunte Kinte wouldn’t be worth 100 more years of “Thank you for saving my daughter, Doctor Jackson.”

Now let’s take this forward through the ages a bit, shall we?

The weakened more liberal Union without a major standing Army would never have gotten any more imperialistic than say, Brazil. Neither would have the South, save for perhaps eating up Mexico, which would have single handedly stopped illegal immigration before it had a chance to start. Due the math, if Mexico has legal pot now, the South would probably have it due to the sheer number of beaner stoners on the voting roles after the more radically racist voting laws died out. (which again, would probably not be there to begin with sans the battle rage fueled hatred getting nipped in the bud.)

By the way, if you have a big leftover standing Army from the civil war, it makes it a lot easier to rapidly fuck over all the Indians.

If you don’t, things might be a bit less bloody.

Scary downside? If British black folks are just British people with better abs and straight teeth, the alternate universe American blacks would spend a lot of time watching CMT.

By the time World War I hit, no doughboys would have gone over there. The Union and Confederacy would have been just as neutral as the rest of America, save for those imperialist by comparison Canadians.

 "How about NO, fuckpopsicle.   We're not wasting time and lives saving your expansionist ass, good luck with the Krauts." - U.S.A. and C.S.A.

The Kaiser would have won and Germany suddenly never goes into Weimar republic economic depression due to war debt to other countries, never setting up the conditions for the Workers Unions to arise in the depression which gave Hitler a fucking platform.

Hitler stays a failed revolutionary douche bag with no chance of ever leading anything more than a sing along.

No Hitler.

No Nazis.

No World War Two.

World wide death totals were slightly over 60 Million people.

That makes Abraham Lincoln more deadly than all those Axis bastards put together.

People should be using his face for their latest Obama or Walker hategasam posters.

Anyway,

No WWII, no death camps, no Israel.

No Israel, no American foreign policy based on the equivalency of protecting a tiny group of Wall Street Bankers in a Detroit ghetto.

Radical Islam would have never had a springboard to get any further than ‘Those nut jobs on the fringe who never do shit,’ and even those wouldn’t look twice at either America any more than they do Argentina or Peru. Muslims in America would be of no more interest than Hindu’s or Wiccans. 90% of people wouldn’t give a shit.

Communisim wouldn’t have been a big concern for Americans, as it was still a civil debate before we needed a quick enemy after WWII as an excuse to keep up all this wonderful war production.

Oh don’t forget. No WWII no fucking nuclear bombs. There would have been A.) no incentive and B.) no opportunity to create fucking nuclear bombs.

"If we'd not, you know, been all guilty for frying all those *****, we'd never rebuilt 'em and let 'em shit all over our economy.   So yea, I'd say we pretty much nuked ourselves." - Rich Dailison, Christian Brotherhood. 

No nukes, no billions toileted on a nationwide clusterfuck weapon system that kills every living thing on Earth if we pull the trigger.

Going back to the Islam thing, no Abe, no Israel, no 9/11, no 10 years and counting of pointless wars in hot, dusty shitholes that have no alcohol.

With all the legal pot in the Confederacy due to the Mexican voters and billions being made in hemp oil for cars (yes hemp...for cars. Fuck cotton,) the Union would capitulate on whatever drug laws they had with their liberal sensibilities and boom, no war on drugs.

No war on drugs, no reformation Jim Crow bullshit, a whole lot less gang bullshit.

Bye bye Tupac the dead rapper, hello Tupac the Harvard music professor.

Smaller more socially conscious freedom oriented nations yearning for reunification would lead to a big Y2K ceremony to create the New American Republic which would bring a new economic boom in a climate hostile to monopolies while being pro-export manufacturing.

Unemployment would be at an all time low.

Now.

You find me a time machine and I’ll take off with that knife.

Either that or find some catty, home wreaking whore to seduce Abe’s dad away from mommy before he plants the seed of devil boy.

Oh and for you ‘historical purists’ out there, keep your cheerio wetter in your pants, it’s just a stoned rant….run with it.

Copyright 2011 Doug Socks