My Halloween 2002 costume, Ash from Evil Dead II, is one of the crowning achievements of my life thus far, shortly behind my daughter, learning to surf and my recent garbage disposal repair job using tools from a child's tool box.
In Bruce Campbell's autobiography, If Chins Could Kill: Confessions of a B Movie Actor, he features a diagram of the various gashes on Ash's face. I used this as my template, taking special care to make the cut across my mouth just right.
I wore the costume to a big, fancy Hollywood party I had no business being invited to, thrown by Shane Black, the guy who wrote Lethal Weapon. Fortunately, Shane had filled an entire room with Ding Dongs, Ho Hos and Twinkies, so the event wasn't a complete bust from my perspective.
As I stood against the wall, wondering how many Twinkies I could smuggle out in the empty interior of my cardboard chainsaw, I noticed a woman dressed as a "sexy" French maid, hopped up on Ecstasy and making her way around the room kissing every guy not wearing a mask.
If you know me at all, you know that at this point, I desperately wished I'd come dressed as Jason Voorhees, a Care Bear or anything else with a mask. I don't like to be touched, let alone kissed, by strange people, "sexy" or otherwise. But a little voice told me that my impulse -- to scream, "DON'T TOUCH ME, YOU FILTHY WHORE!" and run for the cream-filled comfort of the Ding-Dong table -- would not have served me well. Instead, I tensed up, tightly pursed my lips and tried to think far away thoughts as she engulfed half my face in a cartoony way that made her look like a lovelorn teenage nerd making out with a plastic mannequin head.
She pulled back. I sensed a vague look of disgust in her dilated pupils, which suited me just fine. She then shrugged and moved on to a guy dressed as a milk carton. I quickly sought out a mirror to assess any damage mademoiselle had caused my make-up. As it turns out, she had not just ruined the slash running across my mouth, she had sucked it clean off.
At that moment, I was slightly bummed, yet also amazed at the inner workings of the universe. A woman issuing unwanted advances my way had just unknowingly eaten a two-inch rubber scab off my face. There is such a thing as Instant Karma.
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Comments
Great costume though, gotta love Ash
Shop Smart, shop S-Mart, just not when th eshe-bitch is picking up a few things.
rated
Reminds me of the time the bf and I stopped at a bar for drinks after a flick.
How was the film, my bartender friend asked. What did you see?
Final Destination Three, I chirped. The bf harrumphed and coughed to drown out the Three..he was afraid the 28-year-old bartender would think we were lame, that we were actually watching the series.
This Halloween the bf went as a vampire, and I as his slut pirate zombie victim. Not nearly as good as Ash. THAT is creative.