Exciting new discovery! Incomplete text of the Gospel of St Faux Pas
These texts were discovered moldering in an abandon storage space outside of Plainsville, MO. No one knows how they got there or where the missing texts might be. Being an average, ordinary American family, these notes were hand written in spiral notebooks that include directions to seemingly random locations, recipes, telephone messages, to do lists, and other miscellanea. As the remaining texts are sorted and transcribed, this edition will be updated.
Saint Faux Pas, Phoebe Gem, was born to Dottie and Earl who owned a wash and fold Laundromat in a questionable part of town. Dottie and Earl were good Americans and so they were ignorant that Dottie’s mother was born in a small village in Italy, not far from Padua, in the village of Madatchu. Her grandparents had to steal out of town with the new baby, escaping to North America. There was a bully in town who was in love with Dottie’s mother, (funny Italian name), and they had been telling everyone that she had a food allergy and that’s why she was gaining weight. Once the baby was born all they could think to do to avoid Vince, the bully, was to get out of town and go to America. So they did.
So Dottie grew up on the Canadian/US border, fell in love with Earl in high school and they were married in the week following graduation and before giving birth to Phoebe.
Phoebe grew up a bit unbridled and vexingly true to herself. She was never what was expected of her and often said things that made the town folk stop stock still and look at her. Most of the time she was just Earl and Dottie’s daughter – no brighter (or dumber) than anyone else in town, but sometimes she just gleamed out loud.
Like when the town was trying to decide how to attract new people or at least keep the kids from leaving town when they graduated. Every time someone suggested something new, like build a bowling alley or an alcohol free coffee house so the kids could have a place to hang out that was cool and hip, the council would say that wasn’t cost effective or give a list of why addressing the social needs of the kids wasn’t a good idea. Phoebe just said, “You know, if you keep doing what you’ve always done, you can’t help but keep getting the same results.”
Phoebe went away to the nearest college, Wossamotta University where her uncles, Rocket J Squirrel and Bullwinkle, had gone to college. They weren’t really her uncles’ but were called that since they and Earl and Dottie had all grown up together and been best friends all their lives. Phoebe got expelled from Wossamotta U for accidently blowing up the kitchen. Baking wasn’t really one of her talents. She went back home to Frostbite Falls and helped Earl and Dottie out in the Laundromat.
The Laundromat has since been recognized for the sacred shine to the Blessed Mother it has always been. Some of the town council thought those posters on the wall were just to cover the need of a paint job, but others (out of toners, mostly) recognized that that 1976 poster of Farrah Fawcet with the Mexican blanket behind her is really an icon of the modern face of the Goddess, the queen of queens, the mother of Jesus.
As you can see the texts of this saint’s life are still being uncovered. What is clear so far is that St Faux Pas is a saint that anyone from any walk of life can relate. She was at once that special mix of exceedingly brilliant and a truth-sayer, and an utterly ordinary person, which is, I believe, what makes a saint after all. That, and being dead.