What am I supposed to do? That woman was so mean to me always yelling and screaming and when I got in the car when I was 12 she smacked her mouth like chewing tobacco and said, "This car went down a lot when you set in it" and "You've got a mustache. That's REAL cute on a girl!" If she burnt herself on the stove, she looked around for a kid to slap.
She hasn't bought clothes since 1972! She walks around in an old SUperFly suit. It's like you can hear the disco porn music playing, but she doesn't swagger, she's a little old Granny hunched over with feral eyes and a constantly gnawing mouth. She is like Linda Blair on the Exorcist, only not as nice.
She's paranoid of the neighbors. My uncle bought her a mini-periscope so she could peep out the top window on the door. She especially focuses on ol' Mrs. Deere across the street. Picture Granny, shoulders hunched but standing on tippy-toes against the front door with her periscope poking up over the little window ledge. Her mouth sounds of smack smack smacking like a cud-chewing cow, then she snarls, "Look at that ol' Deere woman over there. She's looking out at the neighborhood folk. So nosy!"
She thinks that two days' constipation can kill you. I won't go further with this, but let's just say she should own stock in the laxative industry. Spending money on clothes ain't important--just look at her threadbare superfly suit with the shiny worn bottom--but laxative is like a food group.
She's so stubborn. When she fell out the back door (which we told her not to go out back--you'll fall) I came home to find her sitting in the rocker and groaning. She had dragged herself from the back steps to the living room and heaved herself to a chair.
She was "HUR-tin'!"
I said, "Let's call an ambulance!"
She jumped in her seat. "Loooorrrd, no! It'll cost me $800!" Her face was red and she panted with pain.
"You've got Medicare," I hollered to penetrate her deafness.
"It don't pay ever-thang!"
She made me shuffle behind her to support her as she groaned and took itty bitty baby steps to get to the car so we could go the hospital.
She had broken her pelvis.
I've read about how in olden days the Eskimos put the old folks on the ice floes to die. Maybe they'd had enough. This is the second time she broke her pelvis.
Maybe I should find an ice floe for myself.
___________________________________________
(Superfly picture from blackadelicpop.blogspot.com)
(Ice floe from friendfeed.com)
TIP:
Enter the amount, and click "Tip" to submit!
Brassawe
Catherine Forsythe
fernsy
Peter Breschard
Just Thinking...
Delia Yeager
Salon.com
Comments
I hadn't thought of that. It's a risk I might have to take.
Just get yourself a raft and paddle to me!
(Much of this did happen at various times, but I used my fictional run-on voice to compile it, and she probably did buy clothes in 1977 or so....)
My own grandmother came home from church once, and she declared to the entire house that the preacher had preached "a shitty sermon!" heh heh It's how she is now.
a-mused=give someone enjoyment from a blog
e-mused=give someone inspiration for a blog, from a blog
Rated
There's a book from the Inuit in Alaska called "Two Old Women" about, strangely enough, two old women who were left behind as the tribe migrated in the fall. They used their old traditional skills to survive through the winter and in the spring, the starving fragments of the tribe straggled into their camp begging for food. Old brains hold a lot of good information.
Fireeyes--Thank you, Fireeyes!
Sirenita--I don't know where my uncle got her the periscope, but I will ask for you. :)
Penriose--She is tough. She picked cotton on the day she had my mother at home, though she had the other 3 kids in the hospital. She often said, "The difference between havin' one at home and havin' one at the hospital is like the difference between NIGHT and DAY!" And she'd swoop her hands from above her head to the floor to emphasize. I find truth in the fictional story you mentioned of the old women surviving better than the young'uns.
JK Brady--Yes, please. You and Simeon can send a floe!
BBE-Ah, encouragement...
Owl-She is kinda cute with the periscope. My uncle comically demonstrated to her how she could also stand behind a tree, then dramatically bend to the side to look. He showed her various 'hiding' places.
KOB--I agree. Thoughts are one thing, but the doing is different.
Red--You mother is super-impressive.
Brenda--When Simeon and JK send the ice floe, I'll PM you.
Sao Kay--I always love the details and lyricism in your writing, so a compliment from you means a lot.
I think I was 13 years old the first time my mean as a snake old grandad told me, in the middle of supper at the Sizzler, that I'd better 'be careful that my thighs didn't get too big cause men like their gals cute and petite.' Oh, useful advice, gramps. Waiter? One ice-floe, please?
Also, "Polar Blare" is cracking me up. ((Delia))
Glad you liked my polar blare! :)
And since I forgot to mention it before, rated for grandma awesomeness!
Middle--I can see how someone with 11 wouldn't be overjoyed by another pregnancy in the family. ;) I guess the more you have, the less the mystery?
Anyway, where you gonna find an Ice floe? I say just find a leaky canoe and wait for an off shore wind. Give her a fishing pole and some cut bait and a coffee can for bailing. She'll do fine.