By Daniel Rigney (as Rimshot the Sitdown Comic)
I was watching an episode of “Mad Men” recently when my mind wandered back to the actual ad campaigns of the sixties. That’s when I realized I had missed my calling. I should have been writing ad slogans all this time.
Trouble is, most of the slogans I’ve come up with through the years are tasteless and commercially unusable. Stop reading now if you’re easily offended. No readers under 18 beyond this point, please.
A few of you may remember a campaign for Crest toothpaste that included this legal claim and disclaimer:
“Crest is an effective decay-preventive dentifrice when used in a conscientiously applied program of oral hygiene and regular professional care.”
At the time I thought to myself that a shrewd televangelist could profit from a similar slogan:
“Christ is an effective decay-preventive deity when used in a conscientiously applied program of moral hygiene and regular confessional prayer."*
If televangelists and big-box ministers are in the business of selling religion like toothpaste, they'll want ad slogans like this one that arouse anxieties about decay and hygiene, and that offer cleansing and protective solutions.
Then there was my proposed slogan for a laxative campaign:
“With friends like Ex-Lax, who needs enemas?”
Are we allowed to say “laxative” on the Internet?
Finally, I’m thinking of a variation on a current ad campaign promoting tourism in Lost Wages, Nevada. You know the slogan: “What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas.” I’m picturing a series of ads here for … uhh … baby diapers.
Are you there, Pampers? It’s me, Rimshot.
There are plenty more where these came from! Give me a call, Sterling Cooper. I can work from home, but I’m willing to time-travel.
Rimshot the Sitdown Comic
*A subsequent scoop search reveals that a variation on this MAD-magazine-style commercial parody appeared at alt.quotations on Feb. 19, 2002. I've also discovered many previous variations on the enema slogan. The "stays in Vegas" formula is, of course, a popular catch phrase by now, applied promiscuously to everything from gambling losses to diapers and condoms.