DANAGRAM

Politics and Culture in the Comic Zone

Daniel Rigney

Daniel Rigney
Location
New Texas, USA
Birthday
August 01
Title
free-range writer
Bio
In this writing workshop and citizen's blog I'm exploring various short forms, often from a satiric angle. My interests include politics, culture and the human comedy; old and new media; social theory and urban ethnography; the commercialization, corporatization and tabloidization of everything; sustainability; Unitarianism (UU); coffee; and writing (sorry, I mean providing content). Turtle stamp is from Tandy Leather. Interested in republishing a piece? Contact drigney3@gmail.com.

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APRIL 13, 2012 12:01PM

The Worst Commercial on Television

Rate: 5 Flag

By Daniel Rigney

Which current television commercials make you reach urgently for the remote to change the channel, if only momentarily, to avoid having to see or hear them again? Here’s my own nominee for worst new commercial on TV:

Dr. Pepper Ten, for Men Only

Two theatrically-hypermasculine guys sharing a manly war buggy are firing off their ray-guns like soldiers of fortune on speed. Between skirmishes with one enemy after another, they pause to enjoy the “ten manly calories” in new Dr. Pepper Ten.  

Voiceover: “Sorry, ladies. Dr. Pepper Ten is not for women.”

First of all, what is a “manly calorie”? I didn’t know calories were gendered.

Second, any guy who doesn’t see that Dr. Pepper Ten is just a diet soda for men who are afraid of looking unmanly for drinking diet sodas is not too bright. The difference between zero and ten calories is negligible. Do the madmen at Dr. Pepper really think we’re that gullible? Oh, they do? Okay then.

Third, men who are this existentially frightened of a little diet soda should probably seek gender maturity counseling as soon as possible.

Strictly for research purposes, you understand, I went out immediately after I saw this commercial and bought a Dr. Pepper Ten. To me it tastes just like regular diet Dr. Pepper. But boy did I feel a sudden testosterone surge, and an irresistible urge to go shopping with the guys for ray-guns and Kevlar vests. Those ten manly calories really pack a kick.

Runner-up for worst commercial: A State Farm office agent and a customer at home share a creepy “Journey moment” on the phone, exchanging lines rapid-fire from the lyrics of Journey’s 1980 hit song “Any Way You Want It.” (“Any time. Anywhere. All night. Every night. That’s the way you need it.” – referring, of course, to the availability of insurance services.) The customer’s wife, sitting at a table nearby, looks up and glares as her husband describes a Journey concert he attended (Fresno, 1983) that was “crawling with chicks.”

The floor is open for further nominations. 

 

Author tags:

dr. pepper ten, state farm + journey, dr. pepper, danagram, daniel rigney, satire, humor, men only + not for women, ten is not for women, manly calories, shop therapy, that's the way you need it, crawling with chicks, men + diet drinks, worst commercials on television, journey moment, diet dr. pepper, testosterone surge, theatrically hypermasculine, comedy, feminism

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I never saw that commercial because it must be on shows that have a mainly male demographic (sports?) I am annoyed by the car ad (I don't know which brand which shows it doesn't work) in which a man is asleep and Mr. Sandman gives him a dream in which female pinups are coming on to him in droves while he drives this car. There's also a Fiat ad in which a sexy woman is really the new Fiat. Enough with making some sap think buying a car is equivalent to conquest over arm candy.
Pam Malone
April 13, 2012 12:12 PM
I can't stand the commercials for Febreeze. People are blindfolded and made to sniff garbage from a filthy restaurant that has been sprayed with their product. Also the one for toilet tissue that doesn't leave residue on the bears' butts.
Miguela Holt y Roybal
April 13, 2012 12:19 PM
I refuse to watch live TV because of the commercials. I only watch what is on my DVR. I loathe commercials. 'Hey did you see the ___ commercial?' No, I didn't and I don't want to either!
desert_rat
April 13, 2012 12:23 PM
Sounds atrocious. Commercials are designed to appeal to the lowest common denominator- which means the Cave Man attitude, or Cave Woman ... Actually, come to think of it, most of the commercials these days encourage women to be super hero know it alls who never stop, and treat men like meat heads who can only manage to eat, drive, and drink too much.
Oryoki Bowl
April 13, 2012 12:36 PM
The Dr. Pepper 10 commercial does sound super-lame. Have not seen it yet. I nominate the no-longer-shown Mike's Hard Lemonade commercial where the construction worker drills through his hand or a spike goes through his leg (or something equally gruesome: they varied the horrors) and then grabs a hard lemonade. Me, he-man, feel no pain! Jesus.
Erica K
April 13, 2012 12:48 PM
So many unworthy candidates -- so little time. Suffice it to say, the Mad Ave geniuses who concoct this crap know their audience. Clearly, they subscribe to the Louie B Mayer dictum "nobody ever went broke underestimating the taste of the American public".

But perhaps that dictum has passed its useful life, since it's quite clear that it is no longer possible to underestimate the taste of the American public.
Tom Cordle
April 13, 2012 05:37 PM
Thanks for all the comments, folks -- both from those who nominated your own disgusting ads and those who repudiate the ad culture altogether. As for me, I need my political and comedy shows, but we ride the mute button hard during commercials. And Tom, thanks for the reference to Mayer. I'd forgotten who'd said this (thought it might have been Mencken), but it's still true today, apparently. The person who predicts the next zombie/werewolf trend will not go broke.
Daniel Rigney
April 13, 2012 06:07 PM
I have personal distain for companies looking to make a buck off parents' overblown senses of inadequacy. It's par-for-the-course to see any 'family car' marketed toward the kids moreso than the parents with rearseat personal entertainment units (that's upwards of six pre-installed devices at once) and game console adaptability.

Specifically, the Toyota Highlander commercials with a self-important bushy-headed little snot saying any parent who did NOT own a Highlander was so lame they were torturing their offspring with social inadequacy. I wonder if they received as much backlash as new customers, because I certainly don't want a Toyota on account of that.
Jewellya
April 13, 2012 06:50 PM