DANAGRAM

Politics and Culture in the Comic Zone

Daniel Rigney

Daniel Rigney
Location
New Texas, USA
Birthday
August 01
Title
free-range writer
Bio
In this writing workshop and citizen's blog I'm exploring various short forms, often from a satiric angle. My interests include politics, culture and the human comedy; old and new media; social theory and urban ethnography; the commercialization, corporatization and tabloidization of everything; sustainability; Unitarianism (UU); coffee; and writing (sorry, I mean providing content). Turtle stamp is from Tandy Leather. Interested in republishing a piece? Contact drigney3@gmail.com.

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MAY 17, 2011 1:50AM

North Pool Meltdown: Santa Plans Move to Hong Kong

Rate: 5 Flag

 By Daniel Rigney

Christie Claus, daughter of Xmas Inc1 founder, chairman and  CEO Santa Claus, called an unexpected news conference today in Hong Kong to announce the company's plan to move its global headquarters to China in 2015. Most of Xmas Inc’s far-flung manufacturing operations are already located in southern China, where the average hourly wage is about 75¢.2

With its low labor costs, lax environmental regulations, and business-friendly child labor and human rights laws, China competes favorably with the North Pole for global investment capital.

Potential labor unrest may also be a factor in XI’s decision. Insiders say quietly that elfin wages have consisted mainly of “all the cookies Mrs. Santa feels like baking,” and some toy workers have discussed organizing to resist corporate policies and work rules.  Seasonal production quotas have required elves  to work both day and night during the fall to produce disposable amusements, mainly for an under-12 market segment. Alcohol consumption in the elf taverns spikes sharply each January in what some wryly call the month-long  “New Year’s Toast.”

Rank and file elves appear internally divided over the corporate move to China. Older elves have been heard to mutter that “this isn’t the way things would have been done in the old days,” while some younger and more technically savvy  elves seem  to welcome the emerging leadership of Christie Claus and the prospect of fresh ideas for taking the company in new and more prosperous directions.

Some reindeer, meanwhile, fear being replaced by Japanese-made flying ReinBots.

Complicating the corporation’s decision is an internal memorandum which appeared last February in Wikileaks. The document reveals widespread fears among top executives that “the North Pole is gradually melting out from under us.” 

At the time of the leaked disclosure, Santa reportedly quipped privately that “pretty soon they’ll be calling it the North Pool.” Insiders whisper that Santa’s hearty laugh seemed to mask a growing sense of disquiet, shared by many other corporate conservatives, both in and out of the toy sector, that environmental scientists  may have been on the right track all along regarding climate change. 

Meanwhile, Mrs. Claus, whose first name remains a closely guarded secret to protect the Claus family’s privacy, is the subject of lurid rumors that continue to circulate concerning  inappropriate but unspecified  behavior involving  elves and livestock, as reported in tabloid print and television media each year soon after Thanksgiving. Legal representatives of the Claus family have refused to confirm or deny the rumors, or to give the intimate and salacious details that inquiring minds want to hear.

Some fear that any stain on the Claus family’s reputation could have serious cultural consequences. Parents of younger children in particular are expressing grave concern.  “If our kids don’t believe in Santa as a stable and enduring icon,” one remarked, “then what can they believe in?  Will they start doubting the truth of everything else we tell them?”

Meanwhile, Wall Street cheered news of the move, buoyed by the shimmering prospect of lower wages and fewer regulations in the toy industry. Buy orders in XI stocks were outpacing sells by 12 to 1 in late trading Friday. By Friday evening, top financial executives were already filling a sack full of generous Christmas bonuses for themselves.

______________________________

1For a surprisingly prescient comment  on the commercialization of Christmas in American culture, see “Xmas, Inc,” Time, January 3, 1927. I thought I had invented the fictional corporation, but a scoop search reveals that  Time beat me to it by the better part of a century.

 2New York Times, June 8, 2010, B1.

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Comments

Type your comment below:
OMG the times they are a changing....ho Ho Ho!
O Pa Pa hum`
heigh ho and Oho ho ho hoe weeds, heehaw
so sit on big tummy Santa Clause's wife lap
and bum loose change and ask for peace too

Say`
'
Bless Santa elves who dance as former ballerinas
Grand Pop ends harshest words 'with all do respect'
`
In the military soldiers spew '"with all due respect sir'
`
But,
'with all due respect' really meant "soldiers had no respect'
`
I am not teasing you. You created a illuminating thinker post.
`
No sticky stinker glue. Super post. Use 'Super Glue' to brush.
`
teeth?
`
I I want is my two chipped and rotten two front teeth. No brawl.
No court in bar Manhattan Nobby crowd who eat slow snail too.
huh?
`
Lend six cents to Bill and Melina Gates so that they can share 1/2 of

No be a hoarder of cold cash or wealth.
Hubris greed giveaway day starts today.
Farmers need seed start up money asap.
Gaud bless Santa, elves, and Mrs Santa.
She has soft lap. Farm need new laptop.
Hilarious! Do you think XI is worried about missing all the letters likely to be sent to the North Pole?