Painfully Suburban

Painfully Suburban with Dan-onymous
Editor’s Pick
MAY 28, 2008 4:38PM

Resident Tastemaker: 7th Installment

Rate: 6 Flag

resident tastemaker and associates
Did you ever wish that you had your finger on the pulse of hip, young America? Remember when suddenly everything was chipotle-flavoured a few years ago and you had no idea what that meant? Do you have trouble distinguishing between the passé and ironic revivals of the passé? Well Painfully Suburban's new feature, Resident Tastemaker, is here to help you appropriate the trends before they're even trends at all. Resident Tastemaker will lay it on the line, predicting what's up and coming in the world of culture.

Today's VERY SPECIAL Friday installment: Resident Tastemaker and Associates Go Yachting! No longer solely the realm of the gentry, yachting will now become a way of life for society's young movers and shakers, albeit in a downsized form (and rarely involving an actual yacht). While the aristocracy may take to their grand yachts in Monte Carlo and Capri, the so-called "new haute société" will take to their rafts and dories in an attempt to emulate their social superiors. When not taking to the high seas in their personal watercraft, the new haute société will gather en masse on dinner cruises in full-fledged boating attire, mingling seamlessly with the similarly-clad senior citizens aboard. Clearly, the lexicon will also be modified to incorporate a nautical motif:

"Ahoy! Shall we take to the Gran Countess Allegra XVIII this weekend in Hudson-on-Thames?"

"Goodness, Commodore, I do hope she's seaworthy this time. I simply do not think my captain's hat will be able to sustain another drenching."

"Fear not, I have learned my lesson. I'll be cautious not to puncture her rubber hull with my boatswain's knife whilst I de-barnacle her rudder. The Gran Countess shall never deflate again."

"And kindly remember the oars for this voyage."

In a gesture sure to gain greater acceptance of the yachting lifestyle, this new generation of yachtsmen (and yachtswomen) will take back the shipping channels that are so rightfully theirs, preventing large cargo ships from reaching port on both the east and west coasts. The outcome of this will be the collapse of the shipping industry (ensuring navigable waterways for yachtsmen everywhere), which will lead to the collapse of the global economy (the record unemployment rate will give people more free time to go yachting). With the delightfully-warm gulf stream currents and tropical breezes of hurricane season only weeks away, look for yachting's popularity to skyrocket in the very near future.

SPECIAL RESIDENT TASTEMAKER UPDATE: Last week's column previewed the upcoming woodgrain trend; what even Resident Tastemaker couldn't predict was just how fast it has caught on! Brooklyn's own Brooklyn Industries is already offering a beautiful woodgrain bag for sale, prominently featured in their storefront display. Here is a photo:

woodgrain bag
If your product vendor/manufacturer of choice isn't yet offering a woodgrain version of your favourite product, be sure to put in a request, as they may be unfamiliar with Resident Tastemaker's tastemaking prowess.

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Dan, you are truly a gem. I absolutely love every one of your fresh, original and unique contributions.
Why is this man an account planner and not a regular columnist on Salon? This is brilliant writing!

Nice work using the word "whilst" in a blog. Surely that's a first.

And just what is an account planner?
Thanks, J.D. and Ann...I'm so glad you've been enjoying reading my posts!
At my "day job" as an account planner, I plan accounts...oh, wait, that's not a very helpful job description at all! Actually, I help the sales team create and oversee advertising campaigns that run on Salon, which means lots of fun with Microsoft Excel and PowerPoint. But sometimes I work on my posts for a few minutes during office hours, so it's sort of like Salon is paying me to write some of this stuff!
It *is* almost like they are paying you for your writing your own column. Way to squeeze that in. Keep writing the RT and we'll keep campaigning for your weekly column. By the way - very snappy blazer. Most men could never pull of an ascot like you did. You may be setting the bar too high again.