there are more than three, of course, cause i was a floozy.  in a college town.  :::shrugging:::  i liked boys. 

first there is the one i have already talked about.  he's married now and didnt talk to me for twelve years, during which i wondered what i had done wrong, & felt like quite a bad person, cause who does something so bad that a dear friend stops talking to them, and they dont even have the slightest idea what it was?  only a very bad person does something that wrong without any awareness.  we were friends for a good decade (12 years) before he dumped me as a friend, and had many nice times together.  he made me dinner.  brought delicious picnics when we went swimming.  when i'd have a pot luck, he'd draw pictures and wrote poems in my guest book.  detail i have to leave out, cause it makes me look too trampy.  he, my friend, and my ex were on our way to see a series of animated shorts one night, when on the bridge a giant piece of ice from a passing truck, flew through our windshield.  girl in passenger seat, where i was not, because i wanted to sit by j, had to get stitches on her forehead.  my ex (cause i pick men who are cool as cucumbers) continued to drive his car across the bridge, till we got to where we could call for help.  and i slept over at j's house.  another detail left out, so as not to look too trampy (it was 25 years ago, for god's sake! more, in fact!  it was 27 years ago!).  but the worst time in the 12 years of our estrangement was when our mutual friend's father died in a car accident.  a father who was fatherly but sweeter, to everyone.  very loved.  and j was in guam and couldnt make it home for service.  he called during it, and when the friend asked if he wanted to talk to me, he said no.  and i thought, wow, man.  not even now?  i dont understand.  and i was wailing inside.  he contacted me on facebook, after 12 years, and said he had ditched me bc after getting married he realized his feelings for me were too strong to be part of a married man's life.  and he said he loved me and always had and he would never not.  i still remember reading the note and catching my breath at his words.  i deleted it, later.  i dont save things like that anymore.  maybe i should.  it would be nice to be able to read it right now.  on the other hand, it would give me a pang i dont need.  on the other hand, i have a pang anyway, so...).  another edit so as not to look too trampy.  he puts up pics of him with his daughters, and i am nothing but pang.  anyway, to this day, he remains the one i should have married, when i was young.  m is the one i should have married since i had my boy.  two lives, i guess - pre-boy, and post-boy.

then there is the one who had allergies.  he made snorting noises.  he couldnt eat PIZZA!  who can't eat PIZZA???  i had never heard of such aberration.  but that wasn't the untenable flaw.  he said, "when we make love, i feel like there's a golden light between us."  which, i grant you,  no floozy wants to hear foolishness like that, but that wasn't quite untenable, either.  its that he always bragged about how much things cost.  even at 20 i found that reprehensible.  these gloves cost 25 dollars.  my bike cost a thousand dollars.  i couldnt abide it.  who cares, dude.  he still does it, on his FB page.   i admit, i should certainly like some expensive gloves to keep my hands warm, but if you know me at all, you know that instead i would brag about how CHEAP they were, at the thrift store.  is it just as wrong to brag about how cheap something was, as to brag about how expensive?

and then there is the one who has made me sigh ten times this morning.  have to leave out our entire story so as to avoid looking too trampy.  had a crush for years on him.  god almighty he was the funnest man that ever lived, quite possibly.  he would make you laugh till you were doubled over.  a whole crowd around him, doubled over, laughing.  handsome as fuck, too.  man oh man.  looked him up on facebook and wasnt sure how he'd feel about me friending him.  he accepted.  checked out his pics and saw that he had JUST gotten married.  to a real woman, a woman with some meat on her bones.  no raving beauty.  this impressed me, that he picked substance over arm candy, and made me think i would've had a shot, if i had known he was less shallow.  and on facebook i have found out something i never knew in ten years of hanging out with him and laughing.  which is that he is REALLY smart!!  i never knew, partly because he has the quintessential NYC thug accent, which is his real true voice!  which, we loved him for that too, believe me.  so now that i learn he is all he was, but SMART besides, well.  now i sigh ten times.  its okay.  he's out west, and he's married, and we have never even messaged each other.  i just have a crush from afar, cause of his comments.  i like to think he has a small crush too, based on the fact that on any given day, most days, in fact, he doesnt comment on anyone's posts but mine.  so i like to think he takes a second to say, "hey, what's holly up to today?"  and checks in on me.  its a nice thought.  the perfect relationship for the rest of my life, really, if you ask me.