i interrupt this blog to bring you cake. it's james m emmerling's birthday! i tried to find a JEM cake for him, but there were no good ones. this one here is quite attractive, AND has a turtle.

for a man who brings so much to this place, a busy cake bursting with life seemed a fine fine choice. happy happy birthday, jem our friend. with love and hugs from new york and all over the world.

and now we return to our regularly scheduled blogging. 

hi there,  i wound up having a wonderful  day yesterday, on about 5 hours of broken sleep.  was up for about 4 hours in the middle of the night.  thats quite a bout.  during which i wrote that piece, got some good crying out of the way so i didnt have such a storehouse inside of me.

PW - you wrote to check for single moms looking for help with their bills and perhaps i would find a good spot for us.  a great idea, and i have looked into shares and havent found any. but last night i decided to look again.  and there are now multiple brand-new creepy ads on craigslist that basically offer exactly what i am looking for.  what makes them creepy is they offer no context whatsoever and no information about the offerers.  i almost sent a note, started it several times, and finally said holly every hair on your body is standing up to tell you this is not kosher.  dont do it.  and i didnt.

but what i did do is wake up, with my usual resolve to have a good day (asked the therapist if my attempt every day to find nice things to do is a form of avoidance.  she said no, i just plain old want to have a nice day.  but that i need to interject what i am avoiding into that nice day.  which i did the day before.  i made 10 difficult phone calls the day before.  and looked for a shitty-ass low-pay job that aint gonna do anything for us, cause the therapist said it will be better than nothing.  i am REALLY bad at better than nothing.  i think life is AWFULLY short to settle for better than nothing.  if it aint gonna be worth your time, why give up your precious precious time??  its the ONE THING YOU HAVE.  but i looked, and i found the 8 dollar an hour job, which will not be miserable.  well, its not a bird in my hand yet, but i cant imagine it wont be.). 

keith called early, talked about taking me to a lecture series i wanted to go to.  he had called the night before at 11:45, which he has never done since we have known each other.  but then he mentioned going to the skydiving ranch afterward (where his married whore goes) and i said forget it, that i would take myself to the lectures if i wanted to.  and we fought, because he is simply not an honest person.  lying comes as easily to him as i dont know what.  and then i remembered that its all not worth it, and i detached with kindness.  and that made him want to take me.  so i let him.  it was nice to not have to drive.  if i had had a camera, i could have taken award-winning shots of clouds over the hudson.  they were simply gorgeous.  little perfectly tiered stacks of small rectangular clouds, creating one giant giant rippled cloud.  i forgot how you dont get to look at that stuff when you are the driver.   no wonder i prefer to be the passenger. 

the lectures were great.  if there is one thing in the world i love, its expertise and the inherent passion that accompanies it.  so these theoretically dry old men are standing at podiums, so excited by their subjects they cant speak fast enough, cause they so want to share as much as they can with us, so our lives can be enriched by this knowledge as theirs are.

and i would do any one of 'em.  and one had to be 80 if he was a day. 90.  i dont care.  i had a bf once who had a PhD in something (i know what, but i aint tellin' you), and he talked one day about some paper he had done.  i could give you the title, but its so specialized that if he searched it, he'd find this blog.  and as he was speaking, i was at once thinking, "oh my god this is so boring, this is what he does all day??"  and "oh my god i cant wait till he is naked.  listen to him talk. he is the foremost expert."  i just searched the topic.  there he is at the top of the page!  well, that gives me a smile.

met a new old lady there. i love old people you know. i love old men more, but she was nutty and lovely from the first sentence out of her mouth. got her number. we will have lunch.  

came home.  napped.  took the boy to a little carnival and shared fried dough.  spent two bucks trying to win some roulette game wherein i would get a plastic blow-up electric guitar, which i could then take to open mic with me.  did not win.  thought about trying to win an angel food cake, but the wait was too long.  was a hell of an angel food cake, lemme tell ya.  six inches tall.  i always think that if i were the perfect me, angel food cake would be my specialty.  but i am not, and instead i have never made one.

having some problems with my real life friends who are not helping me out of this jam. trying not to, trying to say its their right. but the truth is, and every one of you reading this knows, i would help them out. i mean, the two i am thinking of have been my friends for 26 and 20 years, respectively. and i have never been in this type of jam before. and i just dont know if i can be friends with people who value their money that highly.  trying for now to just keep things nice and carry on as before, but perhaps with a little awareness that they dont love me as they would have me think. and perhaps there is an element in our friendships of me being their special poor friend, which enables them to feel all noble and open-minded for having a poor friend. in which case, well, i dont need to be someone's special poor friend.  or perhaps i am making up scenarios. who knows?  people are utterly unfathomable to me anymore.

at any rate, i had a truly lovely day, spent time with the boy, grocery shopped, took two walks. 

today, i am going to see the open mic lady sing, and the boy is going with me, and i am picking up an aspergian boy (yes, we divide our friends into aspergian or not, here in our house.  no we dont.  i mention it bc he is quite aspergian, unlike my boy, and i think it is very dear that he is willing to come hang out with me for the show, even if my boy doesnt go.  his non-aspie friends wouldnt do that.  wait a second.  yes they would. oh my god.  so many boys who need moms.  well, i do what i can.).

it will be nice and it will be fun.  then maybe this afternoon, i will do laundry.  maybe i will go see if my yellow guitar dress is on clearance, and i will buy it.  went back to get it and it wasnt on sale so i couldnt, but i really need that dress, so i can be cute and find me a husband.  now, PLEASE pleasepleaseplease dont tell me i dont need a husband. i never needed one before, but i DO now!  thinking of going to a local eventing place, where there is a total dearth of short chubby brunettes.  surely some man there will prefer a chubby brunette to the standard skinny blond with strong thighs?

well, fingers crossed.