i dont have a long time to type, but at this point i have to share our good things. first i will quote jk rowling, who you know gets on my nerves bc she was a single mom on the dole when she started writing harry potter. however, she was a single mom on the dole with money to go to a coffee house every day, if legend is to be believed. shoot, now i think of it, that dont add up! anyway, NOW she is reported to have said, "rock bottom became the foundation on which i built my life."
well, remember a couple months ago when i started asking for prayers and good thoughts? well, i think rock bottom was reached. i wont share details now, cause it will require a whole long story. but it was scary scary.
scary enough that i had no choice but to do what i have put off forever, and GO ON MEDS. the one i went on is celexa, and it is such a life changer i cant say. ok, first and foremost, it helped with my anger. tremendously. i will write more about celexa later, right now just highlighting. it helped with my driving phobia, tremendously. tornado phobia? so calmed down. lastly, it has allowed me to do something i have never been able to do in my WHOLE ENTIRE LIFE, EVER: GO BACK TO SLEEP.
you know how you wake up, go pee, and go back to bed and go to sleep? i never have. i wake up WIIIIIDE AWAKE in the splittest of instants, at whatever hour. never remotely close to after enough sleep though. and instead, with celexa, i get to wake up, go pee, crawl back into bed, and let sleep win me over. it is so delicious i cant explain it to anyone who already knows what it feels like. as important as the other things are, this is perhaps my favorite side effect. i LOVE the drowsy feeling.
AND i got a therapist and she is this kind of therapist - corrects every broad sweeping negative statement i make about myself or anyone, and reframes it far more gently, yet still totally accurately. AND we dont just chat about my days or hardships - we pick a topic to work on, and focus on correcting it! and its effective!!
ok, so we got me down to relatively sane. she did say yesterday i have magical thinking (which someone else says my boy has. magical thinking is where in your head you get from point A to point Z without thinking about B through Y). so she helps me remember there are things i have to do before i get to Z, and can i make a plan for that part, please?
I LOVE HER.
also, have only seen keith one time in two weeks. cause celexa lets my brain relax and do whats best for everyone.
i am a celexa proseletyzer, and i would travel the country, urging people to try try try these things.
i mean, i am still me - i am still passionate and excited and i still fuck up!! but i am just SO MUCH better, even if not quite perfected, yet!
and the boy.
my boy, remember school? did i tell you he was failing with grades in the TWENTIES, ffs??? well he was. and missing school like crazy? and blah blah blah blah blah blah blah the list went?
we got him into a new school where they gave us essentially a free ride. a school that doesnt just SAY they want kids from all economic strata, but that actually DOES.
AND we got to join a program that will provide him with a therapist and me with a caseworker, to figure out WHY he is getting grades in the 20s. or whatever.
and the other day he VOLUNTARILY cleaned his room. all the way!! yes i helped, and i am allowed to help, and if i were at your house and you were cleaning your room, i'd help you too! but he was working right along beside me the whole time and kept on working when i felt it was to a point he could take over. and he did.
AND child support might happen soon, please jesus god almighty.
thats my good stuff in a nutshell.
feeling pretty mightily grateful, and on top of all this:
my friend just became a homeowner yesterday, and i will get to go to his new property and prune prune prune prune all day long! and pruning is one of my very favorite activities in the whole wide world - perhaps because you create order and wellness from disorder. or maybe brandishing saws and big clippers just feels tough, i dont know. but it is an activity that i could do endlessly. so, bonus, is all.