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Curtis Hagedorn

Curtis Hagedorn
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Salon.com
AUGUST 27, 2011 11:58AM

Who Run the World? (Girls)

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In the coming election year, let's make a genuinely radical change.  No, I mean really.  No one believes there's any substantial difference between the parties anymore -- change isn't going to come from any of those guys anytime soon.  So let's not make Election 2012 about Democrats and Republicans and what people believe or don't believe -- just this once.  Let's get simple, and make it about Men versus Women -- we already know we don't understand those irreconcilable differences.  And sex in politics is a fine old American tradition.  So can we just get on with REPLACING EVERY SINGLE MAN in government with a greater than or equal to WOMAN?  Yes we can. 

I already floated a trial balloon on Facebook about this and got one response..."there are just as many crazy women out there as men."  Exactly.  But women have had far less opportunity overall to screw up our country than men.  It's about time we got proactive on breaking that glass ceiling in a big way -- and think about how many other ceilings would come crashing down.  No more barriers for anybody, anywhere.  And if we don't like the way women are running things after a hundred years or so, why then we can replace all the women with gay people, or Wiccans, or professional athletes or our new alien overlords or, to take a page out of Rick Santorum's book, dogs and cats.  Could any of them do any worse than the crop of posers and dinosaurs we have now? Admit it, it's beginning to make actual sense, isn't it?

It seems like I say this all the time, but I am SERIOUS.  Seriously.  In a few election cycles, following my plan, we could have a totally new set of representatives, governors, mayors, judges and dog catchers.  And for those of you who are worried about Sarah Palin and Michelle Bachman and other reactionary, non-reality-based types getting too much power, I would trade Sarah Palin for Louis Gohmert any day of the week...at least she's vaguely entertaining, doesn't look like one of those little rubber dolls you squeeze when you're stressed and honestly, it's not very likely she'd serve out her full term anyway.  And for God's sake, let's get Phyllis Schlafly into some sort of public office while there's still time -- the Republicans have been relying on her for years and have never even made her head of their Party -- and they made Michael Steele the head of their Party.  Phyllis deserves better for all of her hard work and sacrifice on behalf of the ongoing Republican battle to bring back the 19th century.  Becoming the Honorable Senator from Wyoming (doesn't she have an official residence in Dick Cheney's guest house?) is the least she deserves.  And wouldn't it be fun just to watch Ann Coulter figure out where it is exactly that SHE lives and wants to run from?   

Surely there are also some progressive women out there who have been avoiding getting into politics because, well, they have too much sense.  The brilliant-but-no-longer-twenty group of actresses alone could fill quite a few seats in the House and Senate. I'd love to see Jennifer Jason Leigh mix it up with Judith Light over the debt ceiling before sending a bill off to President Fonda.   These are women that do their homework, are willing to sacrifice beauty for the integrity of the role and wouldn't just sign off on any old pledge dreamed up by Grover Norquist or some other doomsday cult.  Also, maybe this is just me, but I would support changing the "born in America" rule for Heidi Klum long before I'd do it for Arnold.  I'd love to see her State of the Union: "You're either in, or you're OUT!"  She's married to Seal!  And don't even get me started on Betty White -- after all, she and John McCain are about the same age and Betty could easily pick Megan Fox to be her running mate.

Finally, a campaign to replace all the men would surely increase voter turnout -- it's so easy to explain, and the decision in the voting booth would be a snap.  No more trying to understand complex and contradictory issues, no more partisan backstabbing.  We could even change the ballots so that instead of columns for parties, there would simply be a column for men and a column for women so people could vote a straight (in the sense of linear) woman ticket.  It's only fair, there are more women than men in the world anyway (and we wouldn't have to witness another spectacle of a bunch of guys like Rick Perry trying to prove that they're "real" men by shooting off guns and executing people.  Question for discussion:  Who is more butch, Barney Frank or Eric Cantor?)

This is radical change, people, without any particular direction other than change which, if you believe the polls (and if you don't there will be another one coming along any minute) we all want.  Why keep bouncing back and forth between the Party of Punishment (let's MAKE everybody who earns under 25,000 a year suffer for being so darn poor and harshing the buzz of those who have the real sense of "entitlement") and the Party of Pragmatism (we have to get that barn door closed, particularly now that the cows have all gone, it's simply the right thing to do.) 

Or maybe we should just pass a Constitutional amendment barring men from running for office for the next 100 years.  All we'd have to do is release some polling results indicating that that would be the LAST thing the American people wanted.  I'm certain we could count on our elected representatives to move it to the top of their agenda, and the political media to immediately start calling them "courageous" and "bold."  We passed Prohibition, we can pass this.

But however we do it, let's make 2012 the beginning of the Big Switch from men to women in politics. We certainly couldn't do any worse.

Here's a list to start recruiting:

 http://www.forbes.com/wealth/power-women

 And there's already an anthem

http://youtu.be/VBmMU_iwe6U

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OMG! I can't believe you didn't even mention Gwenyth!
My feelings about Gwyneth are far too big a subject for just a MENTION. :)